Monday, January 17, 2011

The Take Home Message: F Men Who Aren't Into You

Also --- thank your lucky stars if you have a great dad.

Well, week three is upon us... and things are NOT going to get any easier. In fact, they are only going to get MORE emotional, Harrison reminds us as we get a glimpse of the girls without make up and a hint of who is GENUINELY hot and who's painting that sexy on.There will be two one-on-one dates and another group date.The first one-on-one date goes to Ashley S. "Ashley S, let's find our love song."

Brad comes to pick up Ash at the mansion and psycho-Michelle starts spewing her vituperative jealousy.Brad and Ash go to some recording studio (the name of which is meant to impress us, but that I can't currently remember). They proceed to sing mercilessly butcher the living hell out of "Kiss From A Rose." I'm actually surprised that it took them fifteen seasons to drag this song out.Ashley reveals to the camera that this was her and her Dad's special song. And that her Dad has passed away. AWKWARD!!!! And what a coincidence I'm sure! The producers had NOTHING to do with this.Really awkward!! I really felt bad for her and for Brad. That would be hard, if that was your Dad's song... and it's also awkward for Brad, who had no clue.... until they sat down for dinner and wine and Ashley revealed how her Dad had passed away and that "Kiss From A Rose" was their special song.Then Brad felt like a total jack-ass for making her sing that song during their mock-recording session.

All right. So, I really like Ashley S. I think she is cute, and I do think she is pretty mature. I really did like how last week, she was telling that crazy Melissa "I don't care what happened, calm down!" And Melissa was older, but Ashley had a maturity and calmness about her that made Melissa listen to her. But I really don't think there's much chemistry here (between Brad and Ash). Nothing against Brad, but I think she could do better. Look, I really hate to keep harping on the age gap here, but she is just too young for him!!! She is young and cute and fresh... what does she need with a 38 year old with all that baggage and years of therapy under his belt?? And Brad needs someone whose baggage matches his. Ashley could be with some younger, cute, high energy, enthusiastic young man who has a lot going for him.

SAD DAD STORY count: 1 (not including Brad's)

Back in the mansion, the group date card arrives: "Love hurts." In attendance will be: Lindsey, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H, Lisa, Stacey, Marissa, Michelle. And you guys, Michelle is PISSED that she's stuck on the group date as opposed to getting a one on one date. Well, like I said last week, Brad is interested in one thing from her. He sees her as a psychotic play-thing that he can't quite resist. She is insane and disrespectful, and in being so is asking to be treated the same. There's no need for Brad to take her out one on one. That kind of crazy will stick around no matter how you treat it. So he can just stick her on a group date, put minimal effort into her and get what he wants.
The women pile into a church van and go meet Brad at another soundstage.Wait, what? I thought we already did the acting date last week. Now we're filming an action-adventure movie???? Hmmm.... you know how I'm not interested in sports and football?? Well yeah, I kind of feel the same way about action-adventure movies.... particularly the action scenes.Hmmm... so yeah, this date was pretty boring to me. Let's see... what of interest happened??This chick was worried about getting pit stains... I guess she doesn't realize that pit stains usually appear on GRAY work-out clothes, not WHITE. What else?
Don't they all look hot in their work-out clothes?? When I put on my work-out clothes and go to the gym, I always THINK that I look like the above.... but I also have this little nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me maybe that's not quite accurate.Say what??? When did Rebecca Gayheart join the cast???

So, obviously I liked Shawntel on this date. BTW --- seriously WHY are there two Shawn/Chan-tel/tals??? That is some SERIOUSLY annoying shiz right there. I'd rather they were straight up two chicks with the same name and different last initials. These homophone-names that are spelled different and weird anyway are really cramping my style. So SHAWNTEL, the funeral director is the one who kicked ass.In this shot, she does look like an action hero who has come to rescue the gratuitously handsome captive. I think she's really pretty.And I thought it was HILARIOUS how Michelle was like "It is OFFENSIVE that Shawntel kissed him like that." HAHAHAHAAA!!! I am the queen of looking for irrelevant things to be offended by. (In fact my New Year's resolution last year was to stop being offended... I probably need to re-up it this year). So, I thought this was a pretty far/funny reach for something to be offended by.

Ok, so I also like Shawntel due to her profession. Funeral directing was the family business on my Mom's side. Long live the funeral directors!!! (Hahahha... get it??)All right, so the ladies follow mother duck Brad over to a wrap-party. He dives into the pool with his clothes on.
Some ladies do the same... and before we know it, CHANTAL steals him away for some one on one time. She didn't learn her lesson last week and starts crying. But I didn't really get the vibe that she was a drama queen... I more got the vibe that she was DRUNK off her ass... and you know... sometimes when girls drink too much, they start crying and spouting off emotional stuff.

She is like "I don't just do this." Oh lord. Why do girls always say that?? Men are proud of how MANY women they have bagged and women are proud of how FEW men they have bagged. Let's all get over this counting business, shall we? We are all grown ups here. Oh wait... no we're not!!! Only Brad is! The rest of you ladies are precious young things.Also, of course the most hilarious moment of this conversation was when Brad was like "Neither do I..... Oh wait, I HAVE done this before." HAHAHAH!!!

So she drunkenly and emotionally tells Brad that her unfaithful Dad left her and her Mom, she tracked down the woman he re-married and found out that he had passed away.

SAD DAD STORY count: 2
Alli has some super-un-notable one-on-one time with Brad which summarily gets interrupted by the creeper, Michelle, who is friends with none of the girls and is a straight up crazy person.In the end, the rose on this date goes to Shawntel, the funeral director. Yeah!Back in the mansh, the recipient of the second one-on-one date is revealed: Emily. Madison really wanted it, since she has really not shown Brad much of herself... and now she won't be getting a date with him at all this week.Jackie smugly tells us that she thinks having a kid is something Emily should reveal to Brad stat. And then we see Emily lay her whole story out for the other ladies. Ok, so you know how there's always someone who is like "I didn't come here to make friends." WELL, I think that actually if I went on this show, that would be the one thing that you SHOULD try to do. There's not much chance of finding any sort of lasting love in this platform... but you could make some good friends, lounging around in that mansion, sipping cocktails by the pool, lounging in the den, viewing the sunset.... and all without any access to the outside world. In fact, if you DIDN'T try to make friends, I think you would go straight up insane... and I think we have seen that happen over and over. The girls who are on the outs with the other girls usually end up getting sent home.Wine night!!!!!!!!

So Emily tells her sad story. I do get why she doesn't want to lay out all her baggage too soon. And she does seem very sweet and polite and Southern and.... boring. Sorry!!! I had to say it. She is super cute, sweet, pretty, petite and everything. But I haven't really heard her say anything especially interesting or funny. Sorry, y'all. But I call it like I see it.Brad shows up to get Emily and she emerges wearing a less-than-cute outfit. Really?? I dunno... the whole jumper thing isn't really doing it for me. Am I the only one? Meghan's description of Emily was pretty funny --- she is a teeny Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa. Hahah, yeah I get that. Barbie doll, Mother Theresa (but still boring, sorry).
So he starts the date off by driving her to a private plane in which they will be flying. HAHAHAHAAA!!!! OMG!!!! Are you serious?????? Producers, come on, you guys!!! Have some heart!!! This is BRUTAL!!!!!!! Poor Emily. Poor Brad. She tells us how planes make her nervous because they remind her of when her fiance, Ricky, died in a plane crash and she found out later that week that she was pregnant with his baby. O, the humanity!!!!!!!So they fly up to wine country and have some wine by the fire as the wind blows through her hair. Holy S, this was awkward!!!! I literally felt like I was watching an episode of Punk'd. I know she has a dead baby-daddy. You know she has a dead baby-daddy. The producers know she has a dead baby-daddy. Everyone in the world besides Brad knows she has a dead baby-daddy. Brad knows SOMETHING is off, but really can't figure out exactly what. He henceforth keeps asking inappropriate questions: "What is your longest relationship?" "How come it didn't work out?" "What is your perfect date?" "What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?" OMG! Soooo awkward! My palms were sweating and my heart was palpitating because I felt so uncomfortable watching this scene!!Finally God takes mercy upon us. Inside the barn, a lovely dinner is set up for them. Emily takes a sip of liquid courage and gets up the guts to tell Brad about how her fiance died in a plane crash when she was 18 and she found out later that week she was pregnant.Once again, Brad feels like a jackass. This time for taking the girl whose fiance died in a plane crash on a private jet. Now that the cat is out of the bag, Emily feels way more relaxed and can be herself. Well, naturally. As far as the energy/connection/chemistry between them? Eh... who knows. Nothing really noteworthy that I can see. Obviously he gave her a rose.
Meanwhile back at the mansion!

Madison gets emotional as Emily's story sinks in.At this point, it's not really clear why she is freaking out. But she mentions that she came here in a light-hearted way and she is now seeing that some of the girls here are dealing with way deeper emotions.

Meanwhile, in BRAD's bachelor mansion... we are reminded that he has changed. Wow. I've been watching this episode for an entire hour and this is the first time I've been reminded that he is a changed man. I almost forgot!!
And to hammer the point home that he used to be a scoundrel, but is now reformed and proactively trying to maintain his virtue, we are treated to a therapy session!!!
This British therapist talks more than he listens and makes the point that Brad needs to make these women comfortable so that he can see the amazing qualities they have to offer.It's like when you want to pet a cat who's hiding under the couch. You have to slowly lure her out without seeming too over-eager or making her feel threatened.All right, finally it's time for the final cocktail party.A couple people have some uninteresting one on one time. Alli's Dad was unfaithful and he came to her one day and said "Hey Alli, you have a little sister that you don't know about."

SAD DAD STORY count: 3Cue the thunder and lightning. Ha. ha. ha. ha.

He talks to Chantal and apologizes for... something??? Not entirely clear. I do see that he has "chemistry" with her. He wasn't put off by her drunken rambling the other day. During her one-on-one time, psycho Michelle creeps up to steal Brad away.She tells Brad that they are now having their first "fight." She is mad that he's kissing other girls. That woman is insane. I feel sorry for her kid. And kind of for Brad... what exactly is wrong with him??? Why does he think this is a girl he should not send home?????Oh well, I guess we'll get to see more of her... at least she's good for stirring up drama and scandal in the house. Also, she is the one who you hate and want to go home with all due haste, but just keeps sticking around. The only consolation you can take is that the longer she stays, the more it will hurt when she does get the boot.Anyway... eventually Madison has some one on one time with Brad. She tells Brad that she really hasn't opened up to him, as some of the other women here in the house have.She even respectfully takes out her fangs, saying that she owes it to him to be her real self, with no playing around. It's easy to reveal her fun self, but not so easy to show her deeper colors. She is even considering going home...Also, has she had knee surgery? Is that a scar I see?

And I love how Brad then tries to spin and justify it by saying "Madison can't stop worrying about my relationship with Emily." Uhmmm yeah.... I don't think that was quite it, Brad. She's not really worried about Emily coming between you and her... she's more worried about herself coming between you and Emily (or some other girl who really likes you).

Ashley H has some one on one time, where she displays her neurotic and insecure true colors.Yeah, I can see how she's going to turn into a drama queen, as they showed in the previews for next week. All I can say is that she did well acting cool for awhile... she really hung in there.

Anyway, time for the rose ceremony.God, I dislike Jackie.

Madi bows out mid-rose ceremony. I think it was nice of her to do so. It seems like she really just wasn't especially vested in him and she saw that other girls were. So she decided to just be honest and walk away. Brad just could NOT understand. So of course, he had to preserve his ego and spin it that she just has walls up and is afraid of letting love in. Also, I think it really made him look bad in front of the other girls at the rose ceremony. Hahahaha!!! Embarrassing! It was dramatic, I guess. Maybe he should have taken her out on a date if he really wanted to get to know her so well.These are the final results. Reminder: you can click on the chart to see a bigger size of it!!HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA!!!! OMG... Kimberly had the BEST exit interview ever!!! "Fuk Brad!" HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! That is hilarious... and we are a bit far along for such a stoic exit. Kudos to Kim!! That is right!!! We Charlotte girls don't have time for tall dorks who aren't into us!! We never cry over a man, we just scream "next!" Right??!!! Right! That is the Take Home Message. Seriously... F Brad or any other guy that isn't interested. I loved how she was like "I could be dating another guy TOMORROW" and flung her hair over her shoulder. That was really funny.

She definitely came off better than this chick:
Honestly, they need to start cutting more girls. At this point, he is still sending home women I don't even recognize. I am like "Who the hell was that???" It's really not interesting until he starts sending home people we actually KNOW.Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie


PS - Why in the HELL is this a movie???So, disclaimer - I have NOT seen this movie, nor do I intend to. The ads offend me enough on their own. I know this is not Bachelor-related, but it's been keeping me up at night, so I really need to get it off my chest.The premise: can two hot friends use each other for sex.... with no strings attached!!???!!!

WOW! What a lofty ambition!!! Meaningless sex!!! That IS a novel idea!! Do you know who else has meaningless sex with no strings attached?? Rabbits. Dogs. Wild boars. Stray cats. Gay penguins. (Well actually the penguins were in committed, monogamous relationships....) Are we supposed to be impressed? Yes, it really takes a lot of talent and higher intelligence to fornicate!

And let me guess how the movie's going to go: they fall in love. AWWWW, how sweet!!! NOT!

Furthermore, the ads make it look like he's the one who gets attached to her and she just screams in the fountains "Can't we just have sex??" embarrassing all the innocent passers-by... and all the children who are unfortunate enough to be watching TV with their parents when the ad airs.

Ha!!! Yeah, THAT is how the world works, for sure!!! Men get attached and women just want to get laid. Women who want relationships are just CRAZY, old-fashioned and clingy!This movie will set them straight --- what we REALLY should be doing is just going around sleeping with any and all men we are interested in... and THAT will no doubt lead to us finding committed, monogamous, loving relationships!!!Correct me if I'm wrong... but isn't forming said relationships more difficult than just getting laid??????

It is precisely this kind of bullsh!t romantic comedy that is the harbinger of the end of Western civilization as we know it.And while we're on the topic of BS romantic comedies, I have one other grievance I would like to air. Have you seen "He's Just Not That Into You??"Well, in the VERY beginning, the first scene, they show a little girl on the playground with a little boy who is pulling her hair and teasing her. She runs over to her Mommy, crying and her Mommy tells her "Oh honey, he's just doing that because he LIKES you."Then in comes the voice over telling us: since we were little, we have been taught that when men treat us badly, it means they like us. This is why we are so messed up re: relationship!

ERRONEOUS ON ALL COUNTS!!!!!!!!!I would like to correct that statement right here and now. Our mothers did not lead us astray by telling us the little boy pulling our pigtails liked us. What has led us astray is this type of BS ROMANTIC COMEDY!!!!!Here is a headline: the little boy on the playground pulling your pig-tails DID like you!! Who DOESN'T like you is the man who NEVER CALLS or pay ANY attention to you.

So we (Hollywood) need to stop manufacturing this kind of crap that sends the FALSE message to women that they should just succumb to their base urges any time they please and expect NOT to get hurt in doing so. For the love of God!!!! It just makes me so mad!!

I am so worked up and furious, just writing all this out and thinking about it that think I will go call my hot male friend and see if he'll take a roll in the hay with me to blow off some steam.

Uhmmm, so yeah. If anyone goes to see this drivel and I'm totally off base, then please let me know!!!Uhmm... yeah and this image is just another reminder why we all need Tivo!

PPS - Is it just me, or does Brad sound like Dr. Phil?


  1. I love this blog!!!!
    I have never seen that many scantly closed ladies in any church van I have ever seen.
    Could the dates get any "dumber:
    It had not occurred to me that the women may have been drunk, how silly of me:)
    Is there any woman out there with a normal childhood?
    The little kitty hiding was my favorite pic:):)
    And one last comment GO KIM Just say next!!

  2. Ok, can i just say BEST Exit Interview EVER. I mean, who even WAS Kimberly (?) from Charlotte, NC. That was awesome!!!! "I don't have ONE regret, I wouldn't have done a thing different. I'm smart, hot, succesfull and some guys find me attractive F Brad, I'll turn around and date someone tomorrow and be fine" HAHAHAHAHAH YESSSSSSSS That was AWESOME and sooooooo unexpected!!!! hahahahaah. UNlike the horrible exit interview girl #2 gave, i mean, i didn't even know her name.

    Which brings me to another point. I don't even know HALF of there names. I could probably tell you 2 girls names at this point. Emily AKA Dolly Parton, so who really needs to know that it is Emily....and Jackie, cause I like her, and Alli cause i like her. Honestly, I don't know anyone elses name expect there are 2 Ashelys and 2 Chawntels, which i have NEVER in my life heard that name before and now there are 2 of them. WTF.

    So, just wondering if it is a prereq for the girls to get their teeth whitned before going on the show....

    Also, I totally SUPPORT any contestant who removes THEMSELVES from the show. I have SO much respect for that. I mean, really Brad and Madison - REALLY???? He's way too... boring for her. Those 2 are a horrible pair. Ok, but what I AM saying is that CLEARLY Kim from Charlotte had VERY little interst in Brad juding by her exit interview, SO, i have SOOOO much more respect for Madison who ALSO did not have any interest in Brad, BUT, she had the decency to remove herself. I would have respected Kim much more if she had also removed herself, i think it is a HUGE sign of self respect, which i am a HUGE fan of. So, Madison won more points in my book, too bad she is gone.

  3. those pictures are HILARIOUS. Yes, pit-stains are also my worst nightmare - however, yes, you do NOT get pit-stains in WHITE shirts!!!!

    I too realized how UNattractive the girls are first thing in the AM. WOW.

    That cat photo is the funniest thing I've ever seen, the one in the couch. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  4. PS. I am in love with Justin Long.

  5. FYI: this season was the 2nd to LEAST watched premier ever of the show. Apparently no one cares about BW.

  6. great recap julie!! i came away from this ep with a few thoughts:
    1. i feel REALLY bad for michelle's kid
    2. despite her craziness, michelle is actually REALLY pretty
    3. why exactly did bella swan leave?
    4. and obviously: best exit interview ever.

    also, the picture with ashton's thought bubble of the black swan is hilarious!!! lately i've been slightly obsessed with natalie portman after years of apathy. then i saw her acceptance speech at the golden globes and i was really turned off. it was super awkward.


  7. Thanks Mom, Grace and Angela (my sisters) for all the positive feedback... love it!!!

  8. Haha I didn't know the first comment was moms!


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