Monday, January 10, 2011

The Take Home Message: Don't Play the Victim

So our hero, BW, or "B-dub" wakes up and once again reiterates that he has CHANGED. He is a different man than he was three years ago and he is now READY TO FIND SOMEONE.

For reals.

Back at the Bachelor mansion, Harrison gives us and the gals a refresher course on how this show works. Sometimes there are group dates, sometimes there are two on one dates and sometimes there are one on one dates. While one on one dates are grrreat, the peril is that if you don't get a rose on the date, you must pack your bags and go home IMMEDIATELY.

And OMG.... incoming!!!! Here is the date card.

Melissa, a 32 year old waitress from Florida tells us about how she has been trying to be on The Bachelor for eight years. She quit her job, spent a fortune on her wardrobe [and plastic surgery presumably] all in an effort to win The Bachelor's heart. Good plan! So she REALLY needs a date this week.

Meanwhile Ashley the dentist gets the first one on one date.

Brad pulls up in a Lamborghini or something to pick her up.

Ashley appears in her super ugly dress and the two take off into the night.

He creepily drives her down a dark and deserted road, the kind that serial killers use to serially kill people. They get out of the car and stalk through the dead night to a mysterious switch which he tells her she must pull. When she does, an entire carnival lights up the dark.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! Uhmmm... so was the carnival supposed to be LESS creepy than when we thought they were reenacting a serial killing???? Because personally I found the deserted, false carnival to be way more creepy than the serial killing thing.

Ok, so you know when you were an eleven year old little girl... and you had like a favorite uncle or cool neighbor or sweet godfather or something... and he was really nice and took an active interest in your life... and he was cute... and you sort of had an inappropriate crush on him because you didn't really know many other men and he was really cool.... well yeah, that's what this date reminded me of.

CAN I EVEN GET COTTON CANDY, UNCLE BRAD?? (sorry, I forgot to caption that pic before I switched computers).

Anyway, these two have no chemistry.

So, they start eating dinner and the conversation turns to their dead-beat Dads. Both of their Dads are losers who took no responsibility for their families. So, that is obviously sad for each of them, but I just don't really think it's anything to build a relationship on.I feel like Brad really did make all this effort to change and do all this soul searching. But I think he's too focused on the error of his ways or something. Like, now that he is willing and able to talk about the fact that his dead-beat padre left a scar on him, he gets excited to find a kindred spirit who also went through a similar thing. But that alone really isn't a starting point for a relationship, if you want my opinion. Aside from that, I really don't know what they have in common. And look at this body language!!!

Her hand is all over his leg, and he's totally keeping his limbs to himself.

And if you're still not sure whether they have chemistry or not, I present you Exhibit B. Brad thoroughly wiping his lips off after they kissed.

Thoroughly!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Well, he still gave her the rose, so whatever... BORING!!! I can't wait until there is a one on one date where the girl DOESN'T get the rose.. those are way more interesting.

On to Group Date madness!!! Brad + 15 women = high dramaSo, when I first heard it was for charity, I rolled my eyes, since I'm not really into giving back. Then when I found out it was for the Red Cross, I was even less impressed, since I personally know someone who worked for the organization and did not speak highly of it. Then when I found out it was for donating blood, I was like - ok, whatever, I guess donating blood is nice. And finally when I found out they were doing a PSA, I realized it was just the "acting" date where they're going to be kissing Brad repeatedly and making each other jealous. THEN I was down.

So the basic plot lines here are: It's Michelle's 30th birthday and she is a manipulative, spoiled bitch who GETS what she wants and Melissa is psycho and desperate.

Pictured above is Michelle... desperately concerned with the new wrinkles she's developed now that she is thirty. Well, maybe she should have been using sunscreen and staying out of the sun. Personally, I think she is actually really pretty, even though she has a pretty heinous personality. I think she looks like Elizabeth Hurley, who is also extremely pretty.

And this is Melissa. She gets to play the cougar in the commercial.... because she is the oldest one there. So she is 32 and Brad is 38, yet somehow SHE is the cougar... hmmm.... someone help me with that math!! That's a graph my brain can't make!

So, not too much to note on the group date. One thing, is that I REALLY felt sorry for Keltie. That really did suck that she had to dress up like the bulldyke!

I mean, what are you supposed to do in that situation?? You go around looking like that, compared to all the other feminine looking women and that's an image that's seared into BW's mind. There's really no coming back from something like that. So I felt her pain. I also would have felt like crying if I had to dress like that. Poor kid.... she never saw it coming.

Look how pretty Emily is.

All right, so they all do their scenes... blah blah blah

Melissa kiss-rapes Brad during his scene w/ Emily and some other chick.Brad dons vampire fangs and attacks two girls that just wanted to have an innocent threesome.Madison dominatrix-es Brad over lunch. And so on and so forth....

After the date, the ladies follow Brad like little ducklings across the street to the after party.Now the drama can begin continue. All right so obviously Michelle is insane and hideous (personality-wise). BUT... what I find the most interesting is that Brad is INTO it!!!I am serious!!!!! I didn't realize it at first. I couldn't tell when she went off sulking during the shoot. But when she stole him away at the after party to pout and generally be weird, I caught the look on Brad's face. He had this smile coming from within him, that he could not help, when she was talking about peeling away the layers and walls of his onion. I kind of saw this flash back to the old Brad. Like I could see how he was in his days of being a bar-owning playa. Meeting some crazy girl that is no good, but not being able to help himself. What is it with men being into crazy girls?? I don't know, but it's a THING, for real.Basically, I think he needs to somehow reconcile these two parts of himself, rather than trying to ban one over the other. Like I was saying above, I think he's so fixated on being CHANGED and DIFFERENT, that he's maybe losing a little something primal in himself. He doesn't need to be with some girl JUST because she also had a jerk of a Dad and can talk about it. I kind of think he's going TOO much with his head at this point and not really sensing where there is chemistry and where there isn't.

And the peril in doing this I think is that he is then more vulnerable to the temptation of the psycho known as Michelle. If he could somehow focus on having both chemistry and compatibility, then he'd be looking more in the right direction.

But really... what the hell do I know???????? He gives BSC Michelle the rose.

Anyway... what else. Melissa is straight-up crazy... not much of interest to note there. It's too bad, because she is the oldest one there... 32. So she's not giving us 32 year old women a good name. And really, how can I blame Brad for sending that kind of crazy home? Now he's going to be stuck with a bunch of babies.

This is Keltie eavesdropping on Melissa's creepy one on one time with Brad.

At some point during the episode, the producers of the Bachelor made sure to get Emily on tape calling her little daughter back home.I think after all the single moms being on the show and complaining that the producers manipulated them and wouldn't let them talk to their kid, they wanted to strike back and show the hot single mom talking to her little baby, free and clear.

Now, I agree with Grace that it is pretty shady not to mention straight up that you have a kid. That is some pretty important information that someone should know about you. On the other hand, I kind of actually do see where she is coming from, especially considering that her fiance is dead, etc. There was a clip where she was like "Men shut down and get intimidated when they hear her whole history." I can see that.

For example, if I am Online dating, and I see someone has a kid, I am like DELETE. WHY bother wasting my time getting into that. BUT... if I happened to meet someone in real life and got to know them first and liked him on his own, he might be able to worm his way into my heart, irregardless of having a kid or not. So I kind of see her point. Most of all, I just think she is really pretty.

So. The final one on one date is with Jackie.

OMG, my eyes popped out of my head when he said "This is going to be her very own 'Pretty Woman' experience." WHAT?? So he's going to pay her for sex???? HAHAHAHA!!! Usually women get pissed when you call them a whore.

Anyway, I don't like Jackie, sorry. She seems like a huge super dork/nerd to me, and I think you all know how I feel about dorks and nerds... NOT into it.

There is no chemistry between her and Brad either. And also -- seriously he was that shocked when she said she didn't date during college?? And she'd only had TWO boyfriends in her life? A- she is only 27, so two boyfriends really isn't that shocking. And 2 - look at her. She is a huge nerd, so it's not a surprise she chose to prioritize her studies over relationships in school... and I think you REALLY know how I feel about losers who do that. So I pretty thoroughly dislike her. And there was also a part in the cocktail party when Raichel and Melissa were fighting and Raich turned to Jackie like, I need to just talk to you guys right now. And Jackie was all "Uhh... I really don't want to get involved" in a very pompous, yet scared and sanctimonious and like "I can't really handle myself socially" kind of way. So yeah, I got no love for her, sorry.

And neither does Brad. Their body language when they were dancing was that she was holding him all close and he was keeping her at an arm's length.

Ok, so cocktail party. I thought it was really quaint how Brad thought he was walking into a room of friends. If he really thinks that, I don't think he knows much about women.

So Melissa and Raichel are at each others' throats and the violence escalates to the point that Womack steps in to hear their grievances.Uhmmmm yeah. Never a good idea to take your cat fight problems to a man you are trying to pursue. I felt bad for Raichel in this, because she didn't seem genuinely crazy like Melissa did. But on the other hand, she must have something in her to get that far into it with a crazy person.

Michelle stole Brad away for more one on one time to talk about important things -- Starbucks or Coffee Bean. Fortunately Brad said *$s. I also prefer the Bux. The reason is because I like soy lattes. And I like soy because it's sweeter than regular milk. So Starbux uses vanilla soy milk, so you get a little bit of sweet flavor, but not full on vanilla syrup flavor, which is too much sugar for me. So really it's the best. And again, Brad was into this ridiculous line of questioning.I think he likes her because she is confident and crazy. She does have an older vibe to her, compared to some of the twenty-five year olds. I think he sees her more on his player-level.The other time I saw that genuine smile on his face was when he was sitting with Emily. I think he has that same spark for her. And she seems WAY nicer and more normal and down to earth than Michelle, so he should definitely pick her.Ali and Roberto showed up for some reason and spouted some crap that ensued in him giving a rose to Emily, so that worked for me.

LADIES, BRAD, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT (sorry, didn't get to caption that one either).

Melissa, Keltie and Raichel go home.

Yeah, poor Melissa. She is the kind of person I feel pretty bad for, for ending up on these shows. She looked pretty maniacal when she walked out of the mansion... hopefully she'll be ok.

Don't worry Keltie... you seem cute and sweet, you should be able to find someone. You can't help it that they forced you to wear that ugly ass costume. It's really not your fault.Raichel apparently meets a lot of men in her work, so she'll also be ok.

Maybe they will all find someone more age appropriate anyway.

And here's the final breakdown:

Yours in the Single Life,


  1. OMG. Where do I start!? Ok, so i haven't read your blog yet, cause i have too much to get OUT. Although I'm sure after i read it I'll come back here and make even more comments.

    First, lets address the blond vs brunette saga. I would just like to say that neither of those girls actually seems crazy to me. I honestly think it was a bad clash or personalities. Some people bring out the WORST in others, just as some people bring out the BEST in others. I think this was a case of 2 people who just rubbed each other the WRONG way and not really even on purpose. Although i will say, if either of them did seem a little OFF their rocker, I think it was Melissa - the blonde. She seemed UNstable. Nice fake boobs manscaper.

    I'm also glad Kelty is gone - aka Feather Head. What the HELL was up with that ONE feather she always had dangling from her one earlobe!!!?? What the HELL is that!!!!!??? WEIRD. Although, i DID feel really bad for her during her exit interview when she was like, "i have no luck with men, I've tried EVERY avenue" that was sad.

    Also, back to the saga, I find it really crazy that out of ALL those girls, NO ONE else really seemed interested in getting involved in the drama, like Jackie was like, "sorry, I really don't want to get invovled" and as much as I do not like Ms. First Impression Rose, i was impressed with her saying "think about how Brad would like this if he saw you, this would not be attractive" but I still don't like Ashely though.

    Now, on to Jackie. I REALLY like Jackie. She is REALLY cute and sweet, and she actually seemed like she enjoyed her date bc it is something she NEVER does, not bc she is a stuck up person who thinks she deserves to be pampered. She just seems cute and innocent to me. HOWEVER, I do NOT see any connection between her and BW. Like, she had a fantastic date, but I'm pretty sure her date would have been JUST as fantastic if she had gone on it with a blow up doll. It had nothing to do with BW. I would also like to say MY TH Message for this episode is a quote from Jackie, "I feel like I'm in a dream" Jackie - you ARE in a dream. Lets admit it here people. No matter WHO the guy is, I mean, if you EVER went on a date where you were pampered and driving around in a sports car and have an entire stadium to YOURSELF and then Sting came and sang to you, I'd be in love with whoever took me on that date no matter WHO he was. She is totally falling in love with the EXPERIENCE, not with BW. Also, good for Jackie for not dating around and being a skank, I like girls who don't have 39 boyfriends in their past. My point is, I really like Jackie.

    Also, i REALLY like Ali, she hasn't been on much, but I like her a LOT. She REALLY reminds me of Jilly Beans - BEST Bachelorette EVER.

    Also, I would like to say, watching this episode and in particular Jackie, I actually really started to feel BAD for these people, the girls AND Brad included. This is all just ONE big production on ABCs part to create a show and I feel bad that it is done at the expense of these poor girls chasing some dream to "find love." Poor Jackie, I mean, this experience is going to change her life FOREVER no matter HOW it ends. I think it is sad that this show is being made at the expense of these people's lives, that's all.

    Hummm.....what else....I guess I will read your blog now and then write more :)

  2. hahahah. OMG. That is really funny that you do NOT like Jackie, but that you also noticed NO chemistry whatsoever.

    Also, OMG. How did I forget to mention Melissa and her "pizza breath" comment. OMG. Did U SEE Brads face when she was like, "oh, sorry, i had onions on my pizza...and I had 4 slices of it" he looked HORRIFIED. At that moment i knew - her as8 was GONE. That was THE most awkward interaction I have EVER witnessed between 2 human beings. He looked like he wanted to gage and that he could barely even stand to be having a conversation with her. That was REALLY bad.

    Also, I agree w/your comment about Dolly Parton. She DOES actually have a pretty deep, sad story behind her Mom Card. But I still DO think she needs to put it out on the table ASAP, especially bc he's building her UP in his mind and the higher he builds her, the further she is going to fall when she lays out that card, UNLESS he really does NOT care about it. I mean, it is kind of wrong I guess, but if I dated a guy who was a single Dad because the mom was dead, i would actually be ok with that - even though i do NOT even want kids. BUT, if I found out he was a Dad cause he knocked someone up who was still IN the picture - nope, see ya! So, there is a HUGE difference. I just feel like most men want to raise their OWN flesh and blood, NOT someone elses. We'll see.

    Also, only Julie and Mollie and possibly Blondie will get this reference, but do you guys remember what Rachel Herberg looks like? I feel like there are about 8 girls on the show who resemble her in the way they look and in their personalities!!!! I like it! I like the girls this season, except that psycho Michelle hairdresser chick - ANNOYING.

    Also, FYI: I do NOT think Madison is pretty really at all. Like she is NOT any prettier then ANYONE else on that show. She is NO Rosslyn!!!!! And, her face is fat.

    Last comment - when BW got up off the couch - he MOANED!!!!!!!!!!!! YES, seriously, replay it. It's at the end when CH comes in to announce the rose ceremony, he MOANS when he gets up, the way old people moan when they stand up - WOW. The man IS pushing 40!!!!!!!! HAHAHAH. Speaking of which, I think he should ask someone "So, does our age difference bother you? Does it bother you that in 2 years from now we will be celebrating my 40th birthday????? Will it bother you that I'll be in my 40s and you'll still be in your 20s?" I think BW IS a lucky man, cause I think in real life, probably a LOT of those girls - maybe even the majority of them, would NOT give him a chance....

  3. As a dude, I've got to say that none of these girls impress me. And some of them are just not that attractive (like the Manscraper).

    This season is starting to have the same feel to it that Jake's season did: none of them seem exactly right. I know it's only Week 2, but there haven't been any sparks at all. And we all know how well Jake's little adventure as the Bachelor worked out.

    I would also like to say that the carnival was totally creepy. It reminded me of some horror movie that had a Merry-Go-Round-of-Death. Basically, it killed people by making them age as it spun around. Kind of like the opposite of Superman II when Superman flies around the Earth so fast that time actually starts moving BACKWARD and he's able to save the day.

    Finally, that girl Madison is a freak. If you have like this whole vampire sex fetish thing, that's cool -- but that crap needs to stay in the bedroom. Getting fangs is one step too far. Still, aside from the fangs, I think she's attractive and B-dub will keep her around until he sees her naked.

  4. "So, when I first heard it was for charity, I rolled my eyes, since I'm not really into giving back."

    Hahahha this is the best!!!! (and I totally agree so I'm really happy you said it out loud)

  5. ok, I just watched a Deleted Scene - that i highly recommend everyone watching. It's w/Brad, Manscaper & Melissa - WOW. Those bi8ches are BOTH CRAZY. Manscaper goes off about how the ONLY thing she wants in life is to be a wife and mother and be barefoot and pregnant!!!!! Yes, she actually used the phrase "I want to be barefoot and pregnant." BW was so OBVIOUSLY NOT interested in her after she made the comment. No wonder she got the boot.

  6. Ok Grace, I watched the deleted scene you recommended, and I definitely agree that both of those girls are straight crazy! It's one thing to "want to be a wife and mother" it's another to look at a guy you just met and tell him you want him to be your provider and leader!!!! HAHAHAHA! That's a bit too much pressure, I think.
    Also, down at the vid section there is a tab called "uncensored" so I obviously clicked on that to see what from the Bachelor would be uncensored, and it's a video of all the girls making devil voices!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So weird!!!!!!!!!!

  7. i know!!! I watched that one too!!! What the hell was that!!!??? Yeah dude, Manscaper should be glad they edited her the way they did cause they could have made her as8 look wicked crazy!!!!!!

  8. Hi!!

    Just finished watching the episode and I cant say pretty confidently that I don't like any of the girls. I DO like Jackie, but after your reading your blog and I can also see why you don't like her. I think I actually like her for most of the reasons you said you didn't, ironically. All the other girls are dumb, stupid and shallow. I appreciate the fact that she actually WENT to college and wasn't just sleeping around and obsessed with dating. Kind of reminds me of myself? Except I'm still waiting to be pampered like that!

    I've decided I actually like Brad, excpet obviously for the absolutely HEINOUS tattoo he has on his back which I find extremely offensive. He seems like he is a nice guy. Like he seemed to actually be pretty concerned how the two girls were both crying, although he did later send them both home. Also, I think he's pretty hot.

    Obviously the carnival was BEYOND creepy. I agree with the Fighting Polak too. It reminded me Something Wicked This Way Comes with the evil carnival owner who steals years from people's lives.

    Even though I'm a Jackie fan I can definitely agree that there isn't any chemistry there. Two people dancing alone to a live band can only be described as AWKWARD.

    Ali and Rob are annoying. When are we going to get a guest appearance by the best girl ever, JILLIAN!? And her sexy ex-bf ED!?

    Until next week....


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