Monday, February 28, 2011

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

Well, we have come a long way... we are almost there!!!! Only three women left for Brad to choose from. As per use, we start off in New York City. The editors recycle a shot from last week of Brad standing on his balcony and try to pass it off as if he was standing out there on that porch in the same clothing this week thinking about his harem.Then he goes back inside, laces up his shoes and catches a flight to South Africa. He spends the first segment of his trip, just as he leaves New York, thinking about his girl, Chantal O. He is comfortable and himself with Chantal. They have a connection, no doubt about it. He has wanted a piece of her ever since she slapped his face that first night after getting out of the limo. However, Chantal also is a roller coaster.
As he approaches the north eastern coast of the continent of Africa, his thoughts turn to Ashley. She is almost like magic... she really is. Funny, intelligent, "professional" woman (if by professional, you mean still in school). But Ashley has some insecurities about their relationship, as opposed to putting all her trust into Brad, a man who is dating thirty other women.
Finally as his plane closes in on South Africa, he fantasizes about Emily.... who is one in a million. However, he is intimated by her past. Poor Brad.... he really has some TOUGH decisions to make this week!!!!Here in Sabi Sands, South Africa, his first date will be with Chantal O. He rolls up in a Safari hat to pick her up. So now that I have seen Chantal O's house, it puts a whole new spin on everything I think about her and all their trips. For example, I don't really believe that she is feeling shocked or spoiled or surprised by any of the exotic locations anymore. I bet she has probably traveled all around the world in high style several times over. I doubt she was all "Ohhhh South Africa, really?!?!?!" She was probably more like "Oh yeah, SA... I know a GREAT safari company there!! You get plastic surgery then recover in the safari!" Costa Rica?? "Oh, I like CR, but I really like Bermuda better."Ok so anyway, after they take a wild animal tour and spot some lions, which was Brad's MAIN goal, you guys... they have a picnic lunch by the hippo pit. Now did you guys know that hippopotami are EXTREMELY mean and aggressive animals?? I did not know this until my Dad informed me one day at the zoo. "Hippos are very aggressive towards humans, whom they commonly attack whether in boats or on land with no apparent provocation." So I think maybe they should not have been eating there so casually.During lunch, Brad tells Chantal, "Would it be weird to say I miss your family?" Chantal thinks that is really nice of him. I mean, what girl DOESN'T want a man who not only accepts but actually LIKES her family?!?!
Anyway, later they go eat dinner. So, sorry if this blog post is not as long as others... but this episode was extremely boring, and I really don't even have that many opinions/comments to make on it. It was just three dates. But ok, whatever.

So Brad and C are eating dinner and Chantal can barely contain herself, she is so eager to get the overnight card. I wouldn't really consider that a good thing. But I don't know, I do feel like these two are comfortable together.... so I guess that's good?? I don't know sorry, I just don't really have a deep opinion about them. So after Brad accepts her pouncing on him, they go spend the night in a tree house. BITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'd be SOUR if I drew that date card and had to bunk out in the wild with mosquitoes sucking my sweet blood all night long!!! Overnight date FAIL.

Next up is Emily or "Em" as Brad so creatively and endearingly calls her. After greeting each other with the good old fashion run and jump, Brad then tells Em to hang tight because he forgot something that he needs to go back for "really quickly." After leaving Emily waiting for just long enough to start to piss her off, he re-emerges riding elephant-back.
Emily freaks out because this is her EXACT fantasy!!!! My, what a specific fantasy! "I have ALWAYS wanted to go to South Africa and ride an elephant."
So they take an elephant ride around town, scoping out the scenery. So everyone, such as Grace Oh, is like "Oh yeah, he's in love with Emily, I see it now." Honestly, I don't know if I see it. I guess???? I don't know. Actually I don't. Maybe I do?? No, I don't. Really. He is just so boring and has no sense of humor, same goes for the Em-ster. I mean, I can obviously see how Emily is a good catch, bc she is pretty and sweet and from Charlotte. I don't really see what she sees in Brad. Omg, I don't know. Again, I really don't have a deep opinion.Anyway, they go have lunch and Brad busts out what is apparently his LINE: "I miss your fam." REALLY!!?? I bet Chantal was PISSSED when she saw him say that on TV. I would have been!!!! So un-genuine!!!! He uses the same line on all the girls "Ohhhh I miss your fam!!!" NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever!!!! Also, I would just like to say that that is a TOTAL player line, now that I think about it. It's akin to saying to a girl you met that night "Oh wow, our babies would be so beautiful." HAAAAAAAA yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like that is really what guys are thinking about the night they met you. FALSE. They have just realized it's a good way to get to the girl, bc that is what SHE is secretly thinking. Then she will fall for it, and go tell all her girlfriends "OMG you guys... HE was like talking about our babies and stuff... hehehehe, I just like wanted to date!." Whatever, she totally wants to marry him. Anyway, I digress.So after lunch, they go straight to dinner. They spout some crap about Rikki or something, I don't know, I couldn't really focus bc I was so bored. She busts out that she is falling in love with him. And he is like "I'm falling in love with you too." Ouch... I don't think he's ever said that to Chantal, has he?? Despite her declarations that she IS IN love with him. Well whatever. So he breaks out the fantasy suite card from Chris. Emily says some irrelevant stuff about setting a good example for Ricky-tick. Irrelevant, bc she happily accepts the card and spends the night with him anyway.Ok, finally on to an interesting date... Ashley's. Interesting bc of how awful it was!! So Ashley rolls up in some cruiser driven by a native and meets up with Brad.Brad announces that they will be taking a HELICOPTER ride! Upon hearing this news, Ashley squeals with horror and in fact actually runs away. It was really the opposite of cute and endearing and in fact just annoying. So after she prances around about how helicopters are her WORST fear... again, so very specific. "My WORST fear is flying to South Africa, getting the third date with Brad and taking a helicopter ride!" .... they finally get in the chopper and fly over to some cliff to have a picnic.Brad again uses the "I <3 href="">So I think The Take Home Message of this episode is to be HIGHLY SKEPTICAL of a man who gushes ONNNN about how much he likes your family. As you can clearly see -- that is a GREAT gimmick to use on a woman. Look how all THREE of these ladies ATE IT UP!!!!!!! I think it's clear that guys know that is a great way to get to you. So obviously you DO want a guy that likes and gets along with your family... but I'm just saying -- GIVE IT TIME. Time is the only TRUE test of a man's intentions. Don't let him meet your fam once and then believe he's in love with them and going to watch the Super Bowl next year at your family's annual party while you show off your large engagement rock to all your distant aunts and cousins.


Can you tell I am cynical?!?!?!?!
Anyway, over lunch, they talk about their future planz. Brad starts totally fishing for Ashley to say "I would TOTALLY drop everything and move to Austin for you, if you proposed!" However, Ashley does NOT take the bait, which I loved. So, I'm not really a fan, nor am I an anti-fan of Ashley. I'm pretty neutral on her... the only thing I didn't really like about her was her two-on-one date with the other Ashley, where I felt she wasn't as nice to the other Ash. But whatever. After this hideous date, I actually started liking Ashley a lot more. I loved how she was like "Oh.... I'd like to live in southern Maine... I don't know." Mentioning like every place on the globe basically besides Austin. HAHAHAHA!!!

Brad then tries to imply that she has no balance in her life and is too focused on her career, just like HE WAS... 87+ years ago. She tries to agree and say something about having fun too, and he gets all kinds of defensive and is like "Uhhmm I didn't say that I didn't have fun."
So things started getting awkward, which I enjoyed. They wrap up their picnic and go have dinner, where things proceed to go TERRIBLY wrong. Brad calls her out for not saying that she wants to live in Austin. And I started liking her even more, bc she still didn't say "Oh, did I say that, I would TOTALLY live in Austin!!" Instead she is like "Uhmmm I've never been there, wtf?? Why would I commit to living there!?" HAHAHAHA!!!But basically, I kind of felt like Ashley was over him by this point. I'm not sure what happened, bc up until now, Brad has done nothing but drive her completely insane and make her totally neurotic and insecure. But now, she was totally over him. Maybe she met another guy during her time back at home chilling with her family before she went to SA. I don't know. Maybe she had a personal revelation that she doesn't need a guy who makes her insane. Whatever it was, I think she was OVER him by this date. She wasn't even bothering to fake an interest in giving up her schooling and hauling her cookies to Austin.... so this of course frustrated Brad to no end, bc he wants a woman to just never question him and move where he says.

So Ashley too accepts the overnight date... but they are really "off their game" by now. As things get more and more awkward, Ashley is like "So, what do you think of the mosquito nets?" And Brad acts like really nasty and put out. All exasperated and angry... it was really mean. She was just trying to break the ice... bc he certainly has no sense of humor. Whatever. Another date FAIL!
All right, so next up, Chris Harrison flew in to dish with Brad about his women. I am not even going to front here, I totally fast forwarded right through this shiz. That is four minutes and forty-one seconds of my life I saved right there.Finally it's time for the rose ceremony. All three ladies are lined up by the swamp, eagerly waiting for Brad. He shows up all nervous and pompous, and asks to take Ashley aside and talk to her "really quickly."

So I actually really did like this part and thought it was very nice of him to just dump her privately during a convo rather than have some ridiculous 3-way rose ceremony. And I also actually liked her reactions, which were pretty funny. As soon as he is like, I need to say good-bye, she stood up instantly and is like "OK BYE!" Then Brad was all trying to eat his cake and have it too... "Wait, don't be mad, can't we at least talk?" Then Ashley is like "What, I'm not going to beg." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another brilliant dumpee line!!!I also enjoyed her comment of "Wow, I'm really surprised." HAHAHAH!!! That's another funny line. Next time I get dumped, I am going to be like: "WOW... now THAT is a shocking decision on your part!!" Hahahahahaa!!!

Now true to form, Brad's jerky side now came out. He can't just dump anyone without first being mean and insulting them with his brutal and unnecessary honesty: "Ok, well yeah, I'm confident in my decision.... let me walk you out." Hahahahahah RUDE! But in order to not be sexist, I guess I should say I liked his line too. So next time I dump someone and they start mouthing off to me, I'm going to say "Yeah, I'm confident in my decision." Hahahaha!!!Anyway, after Ashley departs, Brad decides to continue and hold the rose ceremony anyway, just to "make sure" they want to accept the rose from him. By rejecting Ashley alone, he totally stole Chris Harrison's thunder, which I also thought was pretty rude.

Next week, they stay in Africa... wait actually, next week the Women Tell All. Whoooo can't wait for that one!!
Then the week after that, they stay in SA and Brad pix the final one. So really, I don't understand why they don't go back to Austin and meet his family in his actual hometown... LAME. I mean, Ashley had a good point: I've never been to Austin. You can BET I wouldn't be accepting an engagement proposal and committing to live in a place I've never been!!!

Oh My Godsauce!!!

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

Here is a CLASSY video that emerged this week. It is of Brad and his bros rocking out to Firework by Katy Perry. Do take note of the can of Miller Lite that his brother has balanced on the STEERING WHEEL of the CAR he is DRIVING. NOT the kind of man I'd want to marry or have around my children!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not impressed!!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Take Home Message: Working is for Suckers

So this episode of The Bachelor has me feeling more cynical and deceived than I've ever felt in Bachelor history. After seeing all those hometown dates, I have to say... NONE of those girls are leaving the situations they have going on the home front to go shack up with Womack the bartender bar owner in Austin, or wherever the hell he's from in Texas. Brad is going to end up alone again. I mean, sure maybe he'll give someone the "final rose," but he's not getting a wife out of this if you ask me. Whatever... maybe they'll prove me wrong, but I'm betting against them!!So!!!! Brad hops a plane from Anguilla to New York City. The ladies each hop a plane back to their hometowns where they lay in wait for Womack to come rescue them from the hotel they're holed up in with a Bachelor producer.
Brad pops on a beret and heads out to the balcony of his hotel to reflect and ponder each of the women's bodies.

Pro - He wants to marry her
Con - She is emotional
Pro - she is bubbly
Con - she questions Brad's love for her
Pro - She is beautiful and unassuming
Con - None mentioned
Pro - None mentioned
Con - BaggageHaving completed his reverie, Brad heads downstairs to catch a cab and fly to Seattle to meet Chantal's family. Mind you, it would have been much closer if he had gone to North Carolina or Maine first... but that's not important.
First Chantal takes him to the house that she lives in, that her Daddy pays for that she pays a respectable mortgage on with her assistant's salary.Inside, we get to meet her cute little dog and her fluffy Siamese-looking cat.
So, they have some little conversation about how this will be a great place to "visit." I mean, Chantal KNOWS that they will be living in Austin. But still... it will be nice to just VISIT her family here. Brad made some comment like "Yeah, I guess I've made that clear that I need to live in Austin... maybe TOO clear." Uhh... ok??? What does that even mean? Too clear?

Also he was like "So if we move to Austin, who is coming with you?" Like which of her pets. What in the HELL???? That is the DUMBEST question I have ever heard of. Why would she NOT bring all of her pets??????????? What in the hell. Obviously they are a package deal. So weird.Anyway, Chantal lives a few streets away from her parents and she often goes over to her parents' house for dinner. So Brad and Chantal head over to the House of O. Which turns out not to be really so much a house as it is a palatial mansion.So here at the mansion, we met what appeared to be her family in what appeared to be her house??? In case you are wondering what her father does to earn his piles of cash, according to the interwebs, it seems that he used to be either a professional football or basketball player for the Seattle Seahawks (what are they, football?) And now he has a car dealership.I guess that was Chantal's mom??? She referred to her as "Mom." I kind of thought she was more like her Dad's fifth wife or something... but she seemed to act like it was her mother.Yikes.... it kind of looks like Shawntel got a hold of her face and embalmed the $hit out of it. Anyway, that all sit down and eat or whatever.
Yeah, ok so seriously.... I can NOT see Chantal leaving this lifestyle to go bunk with Brad in his bachelor pad. Seriously. I mean, I guess it's nice that she has been married before, so she has demonstrated that she does know how to commit, etc. But I really can't see her leaving all this. I mean, it's hard enough to leave your family even when they are NOT completely supporting you financially. And her so-called assistants job is being her DAD'S "assistant." Which if you ask me translates into doing NOTHING. I mean, I feel like if she actually did ANY work WHATSOEVER, her Dad would give her SOME sort of title like "Vice President" or something. But "Assistant" makes me think she probably doesn't do ANYTHING. So basically her parents bought her a spacious house a few streets away from their mansion where she hangs out all the time. I'm sorry... maybe I have really just gotten too cynical here, but I really can't see this lasting. "Connections" are nice between two people. But lifestyles are pretty important too. DAMN!I really feel deceived too. They had Chantal trotting around like she was just some girl, like the rest of us, when in reality she is filthy rich and doesn't have to work a day in her life. How am I supposed to relate to that????????Brad goes away and bonds with Daddy O. over both of them being self made men. Mr. O. in fact is SO proud of his self-made-ness, that he had a statue commissioned to commemorate the occasion. It's some guy carving HIMSELF out of a stone. Deep!!! And expensive!!!!Anyway, they wrap it up at Casa de O and Brad catches the next plane across the country over to Maine to meet Ashley's family.

The first thing Ashley has to say when she sees Brad is that she feels disconnected, etc. from him. Then she takes him to a restaurant to eat cheese fries covered in gravy.Then they go over to her house and meet her family.
Ashley tackily sits on Brad's lap in front of her sister. What the hell? Are you like in seventh grade and this is the first time you have ever brought a boy over to your house?? Wow. That is TACKY!!!!!!!!

So, one thing I noticed Ashley say is that her family always sees her feeling comfortable and confident and they don't know how much she really struggles and feels insecure. That is because she FEELS comfortable around them. Anyway, yeah I really DID notice that Ashley DOES seem WAAAAY more comfortable and relaxed here in her hometown. Seriously. I think Brad drives her crazy and makes her feel nothing but totally insecure and neurotic. So again, I do NOT see this happening. She would be MISERABLE in Austin, NOT around her friends or family... watching her little Braddie go off to the bar every night where tons of women THROW themselves at him. She would be eaten alive with insecurity and jealousy and misery. They could NEVER work.Anyway, so who was the old guy in the picture????? As you may recall, Ashley told us that she had no father.... that he was drug-addicted and homeless and that she actually had no idea where he was. So who was this guy? A step-father?? Uncle?? An explanation would have be nice, ABC!
Also, I got a REALLLLLLY bad vibe from her sister. Like I got the vibe that she always likes to steal the spotlight and be the center of attention and that she shows no mercy and has no loyalties. I bet she tried out for the Bachelor along with Ashley and is still jealous that she didn't make the cut. I also kind of got the vibe that she would go for Brad and have no problem snatching him away from Ashley.Julie's verdict: there's no future here!!!

Next up!!!! Not interested in any sort of fuel conservation or consolidating trips into legs that make geographical sense, Brad jets BACK out to the West coast to Chico, CA to visit my favorite bachelorette, Shawntel the funeral director.First they play a really awkward local commercial for her funeral home, then they cue the scary, haunted music as she walks around the grounds of the mausoleum. Also, I bet her funeral homes sponsors a local T-ball team.Then Brad shows up all creeped out and judgmental. What, Brad?? You're not going to die one day?????? You think you are above death!!??? DISLIKE!Sensing Brad's uneasiness, Shawntel decides to take him on a tour of the entire facility, complete with a thorough explanation of the embalming process. Just in case Brad had any questions about embalming, she also made sure to visually demonstrate everything using her TOOLS. Yes, she went ON about how she would cut open your chest, find a good vein to pop, drain all your blood... and so on and so forth. I can't imagine why Brad would feel uncomfortable?So after the graphic tour, they did go upstairs and sit in the receiving room. And this is where Shawntel explained about how she is the first person to talk to people after a loved one dies and that she can really help them get through this process. So I really did respect her. And my question was answered: YES her family IS in the business. She didn't just play a freak card and decide to go to embalming school one day. I think it is nice that she is in her family business and helping people cope w/ death.However.... her parents' house certainly isn't like Chantal's, so maybe they're in the wrong business after all. So they all sit down and have a nice dinner and then things get real awkward real quick as talk turns to the family business and how Shawntel was supposed to inherit it and carry on her father's legacy.So Shawntel and her Dad have a really awkward conversation about who will inherit the family business. I really didn't want to be a part of this, but unfortunately I was forced to watch.

In the end, I really can't see Shawntel leaving her family situation either. She told Brad that if she moved to Austin, she would just do embalming work around town, not host the whole funeral. I think Brad is really being judgmental about the whole thing. He was probably thinking he didn't want to have an embalming wife. I think he is too shallow to look beyond the dead people guts.FINALLY Brad flies back across the country once again to Charlotte, NC! (Now, I know that maybe these trips really WERE filmed in geographical order... but that is less fun to make fun of.)
What!!???? THAT is the shot they have to welcome people to my home town???!!!! A dilapidated road sign??!! I am really offended!!!!!!!!! Just to show you guys the beauty of Charlotte, I am providing my own picture.So there's Emily chilling out in Freedom Park, when her little daughter, aka "Little Riki" or "Riki Tick" runs up to her, saying "Mommy." Now again, maybe I'm just too cynical. But it didn't sound to me like her daughter was actually the one saying it. I more felt like the editors popped in a sound effects disk and added a "Child saying Mommy" track to the video.Since I refuse to partake in the exploitation of minors (I'm only ok w/ exploiting adults), I will not be showing Ricky's face on my blog. Also, I think it's kind of funny, like how we never saw Mr. Wilson on "Home Improvement."
So Brad, Emily and LR play in Freedom Park for awhile. It was a snooze fest. Turns out it really is a good thing that Emily had her daughter, since apparently she has no other friends or family in the world. WTH??? WHERE are the Hendricks, LR's grandparents?? No explanation!!! Ok, so I hit up Wikipedia and it looks like the father, aka LR's Grandfather also died in the plane crash.But anyway, where was the coal miner??? I thought that she was a coal miner's daughter, so here is her Dad? Where's her Mom? Does she have any sisters, brothers, etc?? Now that I think about ---- what do we really know about Emily Maynard, other than her story about her fiance and her daughter?????? Doesn't she have any friends? I mean, usually when a contestant can't get her family to come out for the hometown date occasion, they turn it into high drama for the show. But this was just like nothing, no explanation or anything.
So after their romp in the park, they head back to Emily's mansion. What I would like to know is -- where can I sign up for an event planning job for a children's hospital that pays well enough to afford a two million dollar house???They head upstairs and play w/ LR's dollies for awhile before putting her to bed.I thought it was kind of creepy how they left a camera man alone with Ricki in her room.So after the playdate, Emily and Brad go hang out downstairs and talk. This is when Brad goes "I just want you to know that I WANT to kiss you, but I can't, bc your daughter is asleep upstairs." Uhhhmmm...... really??????? What in the HELL?? Luckily Emily took the words right out of my thoughts for my blog and said "Well, if this works out between us, she is ALWAYS going to be upstairs." Yeah, exactly. I mean, I do get it to an extent, but also, is Brad 21 or is he a 38 year old bachelor?? Uhmm yeah, when you wait til you're 38 to get married, I'd say there's a nice, healthy chance you'll end up w/ someone who has kids!!! Or at least that you would date someone with kids along the way!!!!!!!! ????? Is he like in junior high?? Also, I noticed how he kept saying "I've never dated anyone who had a daughter, I've never dated anyone who had a daughter." Hmm.... kind of makes me think he's dated someone who had a SON, if you want my opinion. I just thought it was really weird and immature on his part.
Also, it's NOT a good sign. Kid upstairs or not, I think a guy should pretty much want to jump your bones, and if he doesn't, then your relationship is probably doomed.

So yeah, once again, I really do NOT see Emily leaving this situation. Clearly the Hendricks someone has bought her a nice house in Charlotte in which to raise her daughter. I really don't see her uprooting herself to a bar in Austin. Sorry!!

Whew!! So, now everyone re-convenes back in NYC for a rose ceremony.Harrison fills in for Brad's therapist and helps him hash out all his feelings for the women.Then they have a rose ceremony.
Brad gives out two roses-- Emily and Ashley.
And then the final rose goes Chantal, sending my Shawntel the funeral director back to Chico, California.True to form, Brad is very rude to the ousted bachelorette. He says "Can I walk you out real quick? Really quickly now, can I walk you out?"
They sit on the bench and have a chat. Brad goes "Yeah, so you know that part when you said you were falling in love with me? Well, when you said that, I just kind of didn't really care. And I think that's probably a bad sign, right?" Rude!!! Seriously Brad, just say "You're a great woman, it's not you, it's me." Is it that hard?? I feel like Brad has just recently acquired the skill of expressing his feelings, and NOW he needs to spend some time acquiring the skill of TACT. Not every feeling or thought needs to be spoken, fool!
Ashley also stayed true to form by saying "I mean, it's sad, but that's like going to be one of us next week." Yeah it is. It's going to be YOU. So insecure!
OK!!! Now for some big news. Last week, we were extremely short-staffed all my hard work and blogging dedication finally paid off!!! I got to be on the conference call with the ousted Bachelorette, Michelle. Then I got to write a story about it, WITH MY OWN BYLINE!! OMG!

Click here for Julie's journalistic debut.

Anyway, this week I am slated to do the same. I will be on the conference call with Shawntel at 9:30 AM pacific time on Thursday. So if you have any questions that you would like me to ask her, let me know!!! I can't ask anything mean tho :)

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

PS - This post is dedicated to my Dad, who was quite opinionated about this episode and also requested more thought bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!!

PPS - You can always click on the pictures to see a bigger version