Monday, February 28, 2011

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

Well, we have come a long way... we are almost there!!!! Only three women left for Brad to choose from. As per use, we start off in New York City. The editors recycle a shot from last week of Brad standing on his balcony and try to pass it off as if he was standing out there on that porch in the same clothing this week thinking about his harem.Then he goes back inside, laces up his shoes and catches a flight to South Africa. He spends the first segment of his trip, just as he leaves New York, thinking about his girl, Chantal O. He is comfortable and himself with Chantal. They have a connection, no doubt about it. He has wanted a piece of her ever since she slapped his face that first night after getting out of the limo. However, Chantal also is a roller coaster.
As he approaches the north eastern coast of the continent of Africa, his thoughts turn to Ashley. She is almost like magic... she really is. Funny, intelligent, "professional" woman (if by professional, you mean still in school). But Ashley has some insecurities about their relationship, as opposed to putting all her trust into Brad, a man who is dating thirty other women.
Finally as his plane closes in on South Africa, he fantasizes about Emily.... who is one in a million. However, he is intimated by her past. Poor Brad.... he really has some TOUGH decisions to make this week!!!!Here in Sabi Sands, South Africa, his first date will be with Chantal O. He rolls up in a Safari hat to pick her up. So now that I have seen Chantal O's house, it puts a whole new spin on everything I think about her and all their trips. For example, I don't really believe that she is feeling shocked or spoiled or surprised by any of the exotic locations anymore. I bet she has probably traveled all around the world in high style several times over. I doubt she was all "Ohhhh South Africa, really?!?!?!" She was probably more like "Oh yeah, SA... I know a GREAT safari company there!! You get plastic surgery then recover in the safari!" Costa Rica?? "Oh, I like CR, but I really like Bermuda better."Ok so anyway, after they take a wild animal tour and spot some lions, which was Brad's MAIN goal, you guys... they have a picnic lunch by the hippo pit. Now did you guys know that hippopotami are EXTREMELY mean and aggressive animals?? I did not know this until my Dad informed me one day at the zoo. "Hippos are very aggressive towards humans, whom they commonly attack whether in boats or on land with no apparent provocation." So I think maybe they should not have been eating there so casually.During lunch, Brad tells Chantal, "Would it be weird to say I miss your family?" Chantal thinks that is really nice of him. I mean, what girl DOESN'T want a man who not only accepts but actually LIKES her family?!?!
Anyway, later they go eat dinner. So, sorry if this blog post is not as long as others... but this episode was extremely boring, and I really don't even have that many opinions/comments to make on it. It was just three dates. But ok, whatever.

So Brad and C are eating dinner and Chantal can barely contain herself, she is so eager to get the overnight card. I wouldn't really consider that a good thing. But I don't know, I do feel like these two are comfortable together.... so I guess that's good?? I don't know sorry, I just don't really have a deep opinion about them. So after Brad accepts her pouncing on him, they go spend the night in a tree house. BITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'd be SOUR if I drew that date card and had to bunk out in the wild with mosquitoes sucking my sweet blood all night long!!! Overnight date FAIL.

Next up is Emily or "Em" as Brad so creatively and endearingly calls her. After greeting each other with the good old fashion run and jump, Brad then tells Em to hang tight because he forgot something that he needs to go back for "really quickly." After leaving Emily waiting for just long enough to start to piss her off, he re-emerges riding elephant-back.
Emily freaks out because this is her EXACT fantasy!!!! My, what a specific fantasy! "I have ALWAYS wanted to go to South Africa and ride an elephant."
So they take an elephant ride around town, scoping out the scenery. So everyone, such as Grace Oh, is like "Oh yeah, he's in love with Emily, I see it now." Honestly, I don't know if I see it. I guess???? I don't know. Actually I don't. Maybe I do?? No, I don't. Really. He is just so boring and has no sense of humor, same goes for the Em-ster. I mean, I can obviously see how Emily is a good catch, bc she is pretty and sweet and from Charlotte. I don't really see what she sees in Brad. Omg, I don't know. Again, I really don't have a deep opinion.Anyway, they go have lunch and Brad busts out what is apparently his LINE: "I miss your fam." REALLY!!?? I bet Chantal was PISSSED when she saw him say that on TV. I would have been!!!! So un-genuine!!!! He uses the same line on all the girls "Ohhhh I miss your fam!!!" NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever!!!! Also, I would just like to say that that is a TOTAL player line, now that I think about it. It's akin to saying to a girl you met that night "Oh wow, our babies would be so beautiful." HAAAAAAAA yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like that is really what guys are thinking about the night they met you. FALSE. They have just realized it's a good way to get to the girl, bc that is what SHE is secretly thinking. Then she will fall for it, and go tell all her girlfriends "OMG you guys... HE was like talking about our babies and stuff... hehehehe, I just like wanted to date!." Whatever, she totally wants to marry him. Anyway, I digress.So after lunch, they go straight to dinner. They spout some crap about Rikki or something, I don't know, I couldn't really focus bc I was so bored. She busts out that she is falling in love with him. And he is like "I'm falling in love with you too." Ouch... I don't think he's ever said that to Chantal, has he?? Despite her declarations that she IS IN love with him. Well whatever. So he breaks out the fantasy suite card from Chris. Emily says some irrelevant stuff about setting a good example for Ricky-tick. Irrelevant, bc she happily accepts the card and spends the night with him anyway.Ok, finally on to an interesting date... Ashley's. Interesting bc of how awful it was!! So Ashley rolls up in some cruiser driven by a native and meets up with Brad.Brad announces that they will be taking a HELICOPTER ride! Upon hearing this news, Ashley squeals with horror and in fact actually runs away. It was really the opposite of cute and endearing and in fact just annoying. So after she prances around about how helicopters are her WORST fear... again, so very specific. "My WORST fear is flying to South Africa, getting the third date with Brad and taking a helicopter ride!" .... they finally get in the chopper and fly over to some cliff to have a picnic.Brad again uses the "I <3 href="">So I think The Take Home Message of this episode is to be HIGHLY SKEPTICAL of a man who gushes ONNNN about how much he likes your family. As you can clearly see -- that is a GREAT gimmick to use on a woman. Look how all THREE of these ladies ATE IT UP!!!!!!! I think it's clear that guys know that is a great way to get to you. So obviously you DO want a guy that likes and gets along with your family... but I'm just saying -- GIVE IT TIME. Time is the only TRUE test of a man's intentions. Don't let him meet your fam once and then believe he's in love with them and going to watch the Super Bowl next year at your family's annual party while you show off your large engagement rock to all your distant aunts and cousins.


Can you tell I am cynical?!?!?!?!
Anyway, over lunch, they talk about their future planz. Brad starts totally fishing for Ashley to say "I would TOTALLY drop everything and move to Austin for you, if you proposed!" However, Ashley does NOT take the bait, which I loved. So, I'm not really a fan, nor am I an anti-fan of Ashley. I'm pretty neutral on her... the only thing I didn't really like about her was her two-on-one date with the other Ashley, where I felt she wasn't as nice to the other Ash. But whatever. After this hideous date, I actually started liking Ashley a lot more. I loved how she was like "Oh.... I'd like to live in southern Maine... I don't know." Mentioning like every place on the globe basically besides Austin. HAHAHAHA!!!

Brad then tries to imply that she has no balance in her life and is too focused on her career, just like HE WAS... 87+ years ago. She tries to agree and say something about having fun too, and he gets all kinds of defensive and is like "Uhhmm I didn't say that I didn't have fun."
So things started getting awkward, which I enjoyed. They wrap up their picnic and go have dinner, where things proceed to go TERRIBLY wrong. Brad calls her out for not saying that she wants to live in Austin. And I started liking her even more, bc she still didn't say "Oh, did I say that, I would TOTALLY live in Austin!!" Instead she is like "Uhmmm I've never been there, wtf?? Why would I commit to living there!?" HAHAHAHA!!!But basically, I kind of felt like Ashley was over him by this point. I'm not sure what happened, bc up until now, Brad has done nothing but drive her completely insane and make her totally neurotic and insecure. But now, she was totally over him. Maybe she met another guy during her time back at home chilling with her family before she went to SA. I don't know. Maybe she had a personal revelation that she doesn't need a guy who makes her insane. Whatever it was, I think she was OVER him by this date. She wasn't even bothering to fake an interest in giving up her schooling and hauling her cookies to Austin.... so this of course frustrated Brad to no end, bc he wants a woman to just never question him and move where he says.

So Ashley too accepts the overnight date... but they are really "off their game" by now. As things get more and more awkward, Ashley is like "So, what do you think of the mosquito nets?" And Brad acts like really nasty and put out. All exasperated and angry... it was really mean. She was just trying to break the ice... bc he certainly has no sense of humor. Whatever. Another date FAIL!
All right, so next up, Chris Harrison flew in to dish with Brad about his women. I am not even going to front here, I totally fast forwarded right through this shiz. That is four minutes and forty-one seconds of my life I saved right there.Finally it's time for the rose ceremony. All three ladies are lined up by the swamp, eagerly waiting for Brad. He shows up all nervous and pompous, and asks to take Ashley aside and talk to her "really quickly."

So I actually really did like this part and thought it was very nice of him to just dump her privately during a convo rather than have some ridiculous 3-way rose ceremony. And I also actually liked her reactions, which were pretty funny. As soon as he is like, I need to say good-bye, she stood up instantly and is like "OK BYE!" Then Brad was all trying to eat his cake and have it too... "Wait, don't be mad, can't we at least talk?" Then Ashley is like "What, I'm not going to beg." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another brilliant dumpee line!!!I also enjoyed her comment of "Wow, I'm really surprised." HAHAHAH!!! That's another funny line. Next time I get dumped, I am going to be like: "WOW... now THAT is a shocking decision on your part!!" Hahahahahaa!!!

Now true to form, Brad's jerky side now came out. He can't just dump anyone without first being mean and insulting them with his brutal and unnecessary honesty: "Ok, well yeah, I'm confident in my decision.... let me walk you out." Hahahahahah RUDE! But in order to not be sexist, I guess I should say I liked his line too. So next time I dump someone and they start mouthing off to me, I'm going to say "Yeah, I'm confident in my decision." Hahahaha!!!Anyway, after Ashley departs, Brad decides to continue and hold the rose ceremony anyway, just to "make sure" they want to accept the rose from him. By rejecting Ashley alone, he totally stole Chris Harrison's thunder, which I also thought was pretty rude.

Next week, they stay in Africa... wait actually, next week the Women Tell All. Whoooo can't wait for that one!!
Then the week after that, they stay in SA and Brad pix the final one. So really, I don't understand why they don't go back to Austin and meet his family in his actual hometown... LAME. I mean, Ashley had a good point: I've never been to Austin. You can BET I wouldn't be accepting an engagement proposal and committing to live in a place I've never been!!!

Oh My Godsauce!!!

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

Here is a CLASSY video that emerged this week. It is of Brad and his bros rocking out to Firework by Katy Perry. Do take note of the can of Miller Lite that his brother has balanced on the STEERING WHEEL of the CAR he is DRIVING. NOT the kind of man I'd want to marry or have around my children!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not impressed!!!


  1. I just have a few comments. First, for some reason I just really noticed this time that he actually DOES seem to really like Em. If you watch it again - if you can stand to - you will notice that the way he treats Em vs the way he treats Chan is really very different. He treats Em like he is in love and awe of her. He treats her like she is a fragile gem. He was constantly putting his hand on her back and always pulling out the chairs and constantly making sure she was ok. Also, TWICE now he as broken the rules for Em. He flat out told her last time "you're getting a home town date" and this time "I'm not going to listen to you tell me that and not say anything in return, so I'm falling in love with you too" He doesn't mind breaking the rules for Em. He just totally wants to protect her and treat her really good. Does this mean he is in love with her, i don't know, but he definitely at the least, treats Em MUCH better and with much more respect.

    One comment about the tree house. What the hell? Maybe it is bc i just got back from a 3rd world country and ....ugh. It's annoying enough to have to brush your teeth w/bottled water, but, i mean, did anyone else notice there were NO bathroom facilities??? I mean, I get it, in theory sleeping in a tree house DOES sound cool and could be - but that was a sh7t tree house. There wasn't even a freakin roof. That tree house sucked. No bathrooms!!! NO bathrooms. So, in the middle of the night you have to descend a flight of stairs to squat in the bush and wipe w/a leaf. Worst fantasy sweet EVER.

    On to Ash. ok, Ash reached her cracking point. She had clearly decided by this point that she was OVER Brad. And why shouldn't she be. Yeah, they had fun, but I think Ash was tired of it being a ONE way street. Meaning, Ash couldn't hack it anymore being 1 of 3 girls left. Which, i mean, i guess if i put ALL this effort into a guy over and over and over and he was still interested in other girls, at some point I think I'd say F it too. Also, she is probably sick of traveling all over the F'ing globe. Traveling wears you out. She was also probably sick of the whole "cameras in my face" for 6 weeks now. I think she was just sick and tired of being on the show. Em actually said that to Brad, "I'm just ready for this all to be over with."
    This is what Ash reminded me of, a girl who KNOWS she is about to be dumped and she just wants him to DO IT so she can move on. Seriously, watch her face when he says "I can't give you the rose" she has this look of RELIEF, like FINALLY - it's OVER. He finally just dumped me, thank GOD. And she JUMPS up to leave, I swear, you can see a little bit of a smile on her face - seriously, you can. hahah. I agree w/Julie though, ahaha, the next time...oh, well, hopefully I won't ever be getting dumped again since I'm getting married. But, if I did, or if I dumped someone i would totally say that "Yeah, yeah, ok, yeah I'm confident in my decision" HAHAHAHHAh. Also, Ash came to the realization that Brad is NOT worth throwing her life away for. Ash actually has balance and a career and ambitions - UNlike the 2 other girls left who are living off of their families with NO career ambitions whatsoever. Ash was just like, "no, I've worked hard for this, I'm going to be a damn good dentist" GOOD for HER. Good for her for having other things in her life besides the need for a man!!!!!!!!

    i guess that is all i have to say....

  2. i so agree with grace oh - ashley is too smart for dufus brad & she she was relieved to be let go. the final 2 women are sponging off their families and are about as smart as brad is to either one will suit him just fine.

  3. Oh my gracious goodness! Your blog is too funny! I literally laughed for a full minute with bunched up eyes at Harrison's thought bubble! "They cut my one g-d damn line!"

    You have a cool take on this show and I read several bachelor blogs. I love the thought bubble thing...the hippo..."I will cut you" Ha Ha Ha!

    I agree that Brad treats Chantal with little respect. If Emily had eaten that wait, he never would have let her. But if he had and then she demanded that he eat one too, he totally would have eaten the whole can just to make her feel better. Also, the L word did pass his lips to Emily but not to anyone else...editing? I think he's said it to Chantal as well.

    I also agree that Chantal really got the bum deal on that overnight date. I totally cringed when I saw that tree house. I would have enjoyed eating dinner there MAYBE...if there weren't any bugs around...but honestly...spending the night? And NO BATHROOM! Seriously? There may have been an outhouse nearby but the ground looked all stickery and rocky. Yuck.

    Ashley seemed way more interested in her food than she was Brad! And did she really not understand his questions? She talked like she had a major brain disconnect between what he said and then her responses. Too annoying. I fast forwarded through her helicopter freakout.

    Wel, I'm glad I finally found this blog here at the end of the season! Keep em comin'! Pat

  4. Hilarious! I love your picture captions! They be the best. I will totes be back for more. I agree with everyone's thoughts on Ashley. She said everything so that he would break up with her. She was done.

    I actually think that brad was going to send Chantal home this week, if Ashley's date hadn't been so awful.

    Use less exclamation points!!!!!!!! But don't stop writing :)

  5. hahaha I thought the same exact thing about the hippos. Thanks Dad. Also why the hell would you past a video of yourself drinking and driving on you tube. I now hate Brad.


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