Monday, February 21, 2011

The Take Home Message: Working is for Suckers

So this episode of The Bachelor has me feeling more cynical and deceived than I've ever felt in Bachelor history. After seeing all those hometown dates, I have to say... NONE of those girls are leaving the situations they have going on the home front to go shack up with Womack the bartender bar owner in Austin, or wherever the hell he's from in Texas. Brad is going to end up alone again. I mean, sure maybe he'll give someone the "final rose," but he's not getting a wife out of this if you ask me. Whatever... maybe they'll prove me wrong, but I'm betting against them!!So!!!! Brad hops a plane from Anguilla to New York City. The ladies each hop a plane back to their hometowns where they lay in wait for Womack to come rescue them from the hotel they're holed up in with a Bachelor producer.
Brad pops on a beret and heads out to the balcony of his hotel to reflect and ponder each of the women's bodies.

Pro - He wants to marry her
Con - She is emotional
Pro - she is bubbly
Con - she questions Brad's love for her
Pro - She is beautiful and unassuming
Con - None mentioned
Pro - None mentioned
Con - BaggageHaving completed his reverie, Brad heads downstairs to catch a cab and fly to Seattle to meet Chantal's family. Mind you, it would have been much closer if he had gone to North Carolina or Maine first... but that's not important.
First Chantal takes him to the house that she lives in, that her Daddy pays for that she pays a respectable mortgage on with her assistant's salary.Inside, we get to meet her cute little dog and her fluffy Siamese-looking cat.
So, they have some little conversation about how this will be a great place to "visit." I mean, Chantal KNOWS that they will be living in Austin. But still... it will be nice to just VISIT her family here. Brad made some comment like "Yeah, I guess I've made that clear that I need to live in Austin... maybe TOO clear." Uhh... ok??? What does that even mean? Too clear?

Also he was like "So if we move to Austin, who is coming with you?" Like which of her pets. What in the HELL???? That is the DUMBEST question I have ever heard of. Why would she NOT bring all of her pets??????????? What in the hell. Obviously they are a package deal. So weird.Anyway, Chantal lives a few streets away from her parents and she often goes over to her parents' house for dinner. So Brad and Chantal head over to the House of O. Which turns out not to be really so much a house as it is a palatial mansion.So here at the mansion, we met what appeared to be her family in what appeared to be her house??? In case you are wondering what her father does to earn his piles of cash, according to the interwebs, it seems that he used to be either a professional football or basketball player for the Seattle Seahawks (what are they, football?) And now he has a car dealership.I guess that was Chantal's mom??? She referred to her as "Mom." I kind of thought she was more like her Dad's fifth wife or something... but she seemed to act like it was her mother.Yikes.... it kind of looks like Shawntel got a hold of her face and embalmed the $hit out of it. Anyway, that all sit down and eat or whatever.
Yeah, ok so seriously.... I can NOT see Chantal leaving this lifestyle to go bunk with Brad in his bachelor pad. Seriously. I mean, I guess it's nice that she has been married before, so she has demonstrated that she does know how to commit, etc. But I really can't see her leaving all this. I mean, it's hard enough to leave your family even when they are NOT completely supporting you financially. And her so-called assistants job is being her DAD'S "assistant." Which if you ask me translates into doing NOTHING. I mean, I feel like if she actually did ANY work WHATSOEVER, her Dad would give her SOME sort of title like "Vice President" or something. But "Assistant" makes me think she probably doesn't do ANYTHING. So basically her parents bought her a spacious house a few streets away from their mansion where she hangs out all the time. I'm sorry... maybe I have really just gotten too cynical here, but I really can't see this lasting. "Connections" are nice between two people. But lifestyles are pretty important too. DAMN!I really feel deceived too. They had Chantal trotting around like she was just some girl, like the rest of us, when in reality she is filthy rich and doesn't have to work a day in her life. How am I supposed to relate to that????????Brad goes away and bonds with Daddy O. over both of them being self made men. Mr. O. in fact is SO proud of his self-made-ness, that he had a statue commissioned to commemorate the occasion. It's some guy carving HIMSELF out of a stone. Deep!!! And expensive!!!!Anyway, they wrap it up at Casa de O and Brad catches the next plane across the country over to Maine to meet Ashley's family.

The first thing Ashley has to say when she sees Brad is that she feels disconnected, etc. from him. Then she takes him to a restaurant to eat cheese fries covered in gravy.Then they go over to her house and meet her family.
Ashley tackily sits on Brad's lap in front of her sister. What the hell? Are you like in seventh grade and this is the first time you have ever brought a boy over to your house?? Wow. That is TACKY!!!!!!!!

So, one thing I noticed Ashley say is that her family always sees her feeling comfortable and confident and they don't know how much she really struggles and feels insecure. That is because she FEELS comfortable around them. Anyway, yeah I really DID notice that Ashley DOES seem WAAAAY more comfortable and relaxed here in her hometown. Seriously. I think Brad drives her crazy and makes her feel nothing but totally insecure and neurotic. So again, I do NOT see this happening. She would be MISERABLE in Austin, NOT around her friends or family... watching her little Braddie go off to the bar every night where tons of women THROW themselves at him. She would be eaten alive with insecurity and jealousy and misery. They could NEVER work.Anyway, so who was the old guy in the picture????? As you may recall, Ashley told us that she had no father.... that he was drug-addicted and homeless and that she actually had no idea where he was. So who was this guy? A step-father?? Uncle?? An explanation would have be nice, ABC!
Also, I got a REALLLLLLY bad vibe from her sister. Like I got the vibe that she always likes to steal the spotlight and be the center of attention and that she shows no mercy and has no loyalties. I bet she tried out for the Bachelor along with Ashley and is still jealous that she didn't make the cut. I also kind of got the vibe that she would go for Brad and have no problem snatching him away from Ashley.Julie's verdict: there's no future here!!!

Next up!!!! Not interested in any sort of fuel conservation or consolidating trips into legs that make geographical sense, Brad jets BACK out to the West coast to Chico, CA to visit my favorite bachelorette, Shawntel the funeral director.First they play a really awkward local commercial for her funeral home, then they cue the scary, haunted music as she walks around the grounds of the mausoleum. Also, I bet her funeral homes sponsors a local T-ball team.Then Brad shows up all creeped out and judgmental. What, Brad?? You're not going to die one day?????? You think you are above death!!??? DISLIKE!Sensing Brad's uneasiness, Shawntel decides to take him on a tour of the entire facility, complete with a thorough explanation of the embalming process. Just in case Brad had any questions about embalming, she also made sure to visually demonstrate everything using her TOOLS. Yes, she went ON about how she would cut open your chest, find a good vein to pop, drain all your blood... and so on and so forth. I can't imagine why Brad would feel uncomfortable?So after the graphic tour, they did go upstairs and sit in the receiving room. And this is where Shawntel explained about how she is the first person to talk to people after a loved one dies and that she can really help them get through this process. So I really did respect her. And my question was answered: YES her family IS in the business. She didn't just play a freak card and decide to go to embalming school one day. I think it is nice that she is in her family business and helping people cope w/ death.However.... her parents' house certainly isn't like Chantal's, so maybe they're in the wrong business after all. So they all sit down and have a nice dinner and then things get real awkward real quick as talk turns to the family business and how Shawntel was supposed to inherit it and carry on her father's legacy.So Shawntel and her Dad have a really awkward conversation about who will inherit the family business. I really didn't want to be a part of this, but unfortunately I was forced to watch.

In the end, I really can't see Shawntel leaving her family situation either. She told Brad that if she moved to Austin, she would just do embalming work around town, not host the whole funeral. I think Brad is really being judgmental about the whole thing. He was probably thinking he didn't want to have an embalming wife. I think he is too shallow to look beyond the dead people guts.FINALLY Brad flies back across the country once again to Charlotte, NC! (Now, I know that maybe these trips really WERE filmed in geographical order... but that is less fun to make fun of.)
What!!???? THAT is the shot they have to welcome people to my home town???!!!! A dilapidated road sign??!! I am really offended!!!!!!!!! Just to show you guys the beauty of Charlotte, I am providing my own picture.So there's Emily chilling out in Freedom Park, when her little daughter, aka "Little Riki" or "Riki Tick" runs up to her, saying "Mommy." Now again, maybe I'm just too cynical. But it didn't sound to me like her daughter was actually the one saying it. I more felt like the editors popped in a sound effects disk and added a "Child saying Mommy" track to the video.Since I refuse to partake in the exploitation of minors (I'm only ok w/ exploiting adults), I will not be showing Ricky's face on my blog. Also, I think it's kind of funny, like how we never saw Mr. Wilson on "Home Improvement."
So Brad, Emily and LR play in Freedom Park for awhile. It was a snooze fest. Turns out it really is a good thing that Emily had her daughter, since apparently she has no other friends or family in the world. WTH??? WHERE are the Hendricks, LR's grandparents?? No explanation!!! Ok, so I hit up Wikipedia and it looks like the father, aka LR's Grandfather also died in the plane crash.But anyway, where was the coal miner??? I thought that she was a coal miner's daughter, so here is her Dad? Where's her Mom? Does she have any sisters, brothers, etc?? Now that I think about ---- what do we really know about Emily Maynard, other than her story about her fiance and her daughter?????? Doesn't she have any friends? I mean, usually when a contestant can't get her family to come out for the hometown date occasion, they turn it into high drama for the show. But this was just like nothing, no explanation or anything.
So after their romp in the park, they head back to Emily's mansion. What I would like to know is -- where can I sign up for an event planning job for a children's hospital that pays well enough to afford a two million dollar house???They head upstairs and play w/ LR's dollies for awhile before putting her to bed.I thought it was kind of creepy how they left a camera man alone with Ricki in her room.So after the playdate, Emily and Brad go hang out downstairs and talk. This is when Brad goes "I just want you to know that I WANT to kiss you, but I can't, bc your daughter is asleep upstairs." Uhhhmmm...... really??????? What in the HELL?? Luckily Emily took the words right out of my thoughts for my blog and said "Well, if this works out between us, she is ALWAYS going to be upstairs." Yeah, exactly. I mean, I do get it to an extent, but also, is Brad 21 or is he a 38 year old bachelor?? Uhmm yeah, when you wait til you're 38 to get married, I'd say there's a nice, healthy chance you'll end up w/ someone who has kids!!! Or at least that you would date someone with kids along the way!!!!!!!! ????? Is he like in junior high?? Also, I noticed how he kept saying "I've never dated anyone who had a daughter, I've never dated anyone who had a daughter." Hmm.... kind of makes me think he's dated someone who had a SON, if you want my opinion. I just thought it was really weird and immature on his part.
Also, it's NOT a good sign. Kid upstairs or not, I think a guy should pretty much want to jump your bones, and if he doesn't, then your relationship is probably doomed.

So yeah, once again, I really do NOT see Emily leaving this situation. Clearly the Hendricks someone has bought her a nice house in Charlotte in which to raise her daughter. I really don't see her uprooting herself to a bar in Austin. Sorry!!

Whew!! So, now everyone re-convenes back in NYC for a rose ceremony.Harrison fills in for Brad's therapist and helps him hash out all his feelings for the women.Then they have a rose ceremony.
Brad gives out two roses-- Emily and Ashley.
And then the final rose goes Chantal, sending my Shawntel the funeral director back to Chico, California.True to form, Brad is very rude to the ousted bachelorette. He says "Can I walk you out real quick? Really quickly now, can I walk you out?"
They sit on the bench and have a chat. Brad goes "Yeah, so you know that part when you said you were falling in love with me? Well, when you said that, I just kind of didn't really care. And I think that's probably a bad sign, right?" Rude!!! Seriously Brad, just say "You're a great woman, it's not you, it's me." Is it that hard?? I feel like Brad has just recently acquired the skill of expressing his feelings, and NOW he needs to spend some time acquiring the skill of TACT. Not every feeling or thought needs to be spoken, fool!
Ashley also stayed true to form by saying "I mean, it's sad, but that's like going to be one of us next week." Yeah it is. It's going to be YOU. So insecure!
OK!!! Now for some big news. Last week, we were extremely short-staffed all my hard work and blogging dedication finally paid off!!! I got to be on the conference call with the ousted Bachelorette, Michelle. Then I got to write a story about it, WITH MY OWN BYLINE!! OMG!

Click here for Julie's journalistic debut.

Anyway, this week I am slated to do the same. I will be on the conference call with Shawntel at 9:30 AM pacific time on Thursday. So if you have any questions that you would like me to ask her, let me know!!! I can't ask anything mean tho :)

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

PS - This post is dedicated to my Dad, who was quite opinionated about this episode and also requested more thought bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!!

PPS - You can always click on the pictures to see a bigger version


  1. Ah-HA! Yes, first one to leave a comment!!! Well, I think this re-cap and the one I read last night were by far the BEST ones yet. The pictures are HILARIOUS. Also, you pointed out ALL of the things I had noticed, but more. And you made some really DAMN good points about the women and the funded mansions they live in (for FREE)Dad - Marty O, i will be HAPPY to live in any mansion you pay for!!! Anyways, true, no way in hell is Emily leaving her FREE mansion to bar it up in TX. And why would Chantle leave the Royal Palace that her Dad bought for time you think you're getting a good deal on a car - just picture the Taj Ma Haul that he is living in and don't feel bad asking for $5,000 off. That was ridiculous. WOW. And yeah, you're your Dad's Assistant - LAME. Chantel got a FREE ride through life - must be nice. FREE, HUGE house, secure job that requires no effort, time off whenever you want it - must be rough. UGH, I'm green w/jealously as i sit here in my $1,200 STUDIO apartment that I pay for!!!!!!! grrrrrrr.

    So yeah, pretty much the only girl who isn't living it up for FREE is Ash, and Julie - your point was SPOT on. Ash couldn't handle being on the Bach, no way could she handle living in Austin w/a bar owner. My God the women lives in a town where you buy your vegetables off the side of the ROAD w/an honor system.

    And where does Brad get off insisting that the woman - whichever he should choose - WILL move to TX. F that!!!! That is a decision that needs to be made MUTUALLY between BOTH people. There's no way he has the right to declare that the woman WILL move to TX. I would never move for a man - that's why MY man is leaving his country, job, friends & family to be with ME. Brad should do the same - grow a set!!!!!

    FINALLY Em said something that made me like her "No way is Brad Womack walking out the door without kissing me, that's for damn sure" HA! Finally something witty came out of her mouth! I liked it. AND, it was also especially funny when she was like, "yeah, well, she's going to be upstairs EVERY night." Yeah....i just don't see him and Em together....i just don't see it. In fact, I think he lets her go next week as in the previews it showed him looking like he was crying and hugging a platinum blond and I think maybe next week she gets the boot, either that or its at the finale, which would be a horrible thing for Em to have to go through.

    Also, GOOD catch on the mystery man. I totally forgot that Ash's Dad was MIA. So yeah, who was that guy!?

    And yes, I also agreed and noticed that it was creepy that they left a camera guy in the room with Ricki Tick - which I think is a cute nickname :)

    Can't wait till next week!!!!!

  2. Brilliant-! LOVE this--you are funnier and so much better than Reality Steve. Keep up this fantastic blog!

  3. @shelley: Better then Reality Steve? Bite your tongue! RS brings a lot to the table, comparing JJ and RS is apples to oranges darling. The blogosphere needs both.

  4. @abachelorviewer: is that YOU Steve? when i clicked on your name i got directed to the blog of reality steve. you know what? i do not have to "bite my tongue". i can have MY opinion just as you can have yours, STEVE-! You think what you want and i will do the same.

  5. @shelley: No darling, it's not RS. The lovely blogspot allows users to attach any URL to their name. I thought it perfectly appropriate to link to RS since JJ likes to post links of her blog on RS. If she hadn't advertised her blog on RS, I probably would have never landed here. (THANKS JJ!)

  6. I had basically your EXACT opinion on this episode while watching it! Leaving the camera man in with Riki - so creepy and sad :( I admire that you didn't post her face on your blog.

    This blog is just different from RS. It's a chick's perspective, and I like it. Although, I wish you'd read the spoilers. You'd have a bit more grounding in your analysis of the women. :)

    Nice job!

  7. Just found your blog while I was reading Reality Steve's! I was rolling on the floor laughing at your photos and much more entertaining than RS...and you don't talk about boobs every five minutes!!! Wish I would have found you sooner in the season! xoxo

  8. Enjoyed some of your observations and the ET column. But those thought bubbles and captures are just hilarious!

    Glad you put the link on RS's blog -- don't let a couple of the others get to you. It's not a world where one focuses on only one blog. How boring that would be. Glad RS allows links to compatriot blogs.

  9. Good job. This was funny. Love Jef and Emily together. So glad she left Brad in the dust. What a loser.


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