Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Bachelor: Cruel and Shameless Edition

Well, we have really sunk to a new low, haven't we????? Just when we thought we had reached the limits of the exploitation of human suffering, ratings soar for news shows covering the protests in Cairo we are treated to this weeks episode of The Bachelor. Did I just cross a line there? I think so.... well I was just keeping in line with the spirit of The Bachelor!Once again Chris Harrison pops in on the girls before they have had a chance to make up their faces!! When will these ladies ever learn??!! And if they thought they were short on time before he arrived, well they are really in a time crunch now, bc Hare tells them that they are headed to VEGAS BABY!!!He also gives us a break down of what we can expect on this week's ep: a one on one date, a group date and the "dreaded" two on one date. Dreaded??? I have been WAITING for this moment since the premiere, since Brad has been too lame to send anyone home after a one on one date.All right, so everyone packs up and hauls their cookies over to Vegas to meet up with Uncle Brad.
The first date, the one on one will go to: SHAWNTEL!Whoooohoooo, go funeral director girl. As you all know, my family was involved in the funeral directing business... and of course they're hot, so I have a lot in common w/ Shawntell.. HAHA! So Brad picks her up and tells her that she is going on a.... SHOPPING SPREE!!!!!!!!!!!Uhhhhmmmmmm..... ok????? I have to tell you that I found that to be REALLY awkward. Now, I will admit it straight up that I LIKE shopping. I am not proud!! I know it would be cooler if I could be one of those girls who walks around with her nose up in disgust and says "Ugh, I HATE shopping!" But unfortunately, that is not true for me. I thoroughly enjoy shopping and spending lots of money :( :( Well, I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem? On your re-cap blog?Anyway, my love of shopping and acquiring expensive goods notwithstanding, I still found this date/shopping spree to be pretty weird and awkward. I would not really want to go shopping on a DATE. It's more like a bad habit that I do in isolation. That would be like a guy showing up at my house and being like "Put on your sweats, break out a tub of cookie dough, crack open a bottle of zinfandel and put on a 'Say Yes to the Dress' marathon... we're on a DATE baby!!"BUT this is a little different.... IF you think about the fact that maybe it's really NOT about forming a love connection, but rather stocking up on free swag from the producers of The Bachelor. Now, you could see that all the other girls were REALLY jealous when she came back and was unloading her piles and piles of shopping bags. Because seriously you guys ---- think about it. What are your changes of actually "finding love" on The Bachelor? I would say slim to none. And if she REALLY does get to keep all that, then I would definitely have to say that Shawntel is probably the one who will have gained the most by being on this show!! And you could tell all the other girls knew that too. THAT is why they were jealous... NOT bc of anything having to do w/ Brad.So after the awkward shopping spree, Shawntel changes into one of her new garments and meets Brad for dinner on the roof. I found her whole description of her job to be really hilarious. She was just going on and ON about it with a straight face... talking about embalming people, etc. And also BRAD was laughing hysterically and having a really fun time himself too. Too bad he has such bad taste in women and instead is enthralled with the likes of Michelle. I am not sure how really into Shawntel he is. He SHOULD be into her, bc she is really funny and pretty and normal(?).One thing I was wondering about -- she goes "Brad accepts me, despite my career and what I'm passionate about." That got me to wondering what exactly IS she passionate about?? Embalming people?? Helping grieving family members in their time of need?? Just wondering!!! Because I know in my family, I always figured they were in the business just because it was the family business... so I was just assuming the same of Shawntel. But if she just up and went to funeral school out of the blue and her Mom was a teacher and her Dad was a banker.... well then yeah, that's kind of weird and Angelina-ish (NOT a compliment).Aside: I would like to tell you a story about my funeral directing Uncle. I remember one time he was showing us around the funeral business and showing us the embalming equipment, etc. Well, there are these little golf ball shaped half circle plastic things with tiny pricks in them. Guess what they are used for? They put them on the eye balls of the deceased individual to keep their eye-lids down!! Hahaha!!! Eww!!! That definitely scarred me for awhile!But anyway, my Uncle is cool and now he is working on a play about all the interesting and bizarre eulogies he heard over the years.Anyway, firecrackers blow up and Shawntel gets a rose. That's nice. But boring. The other ladies hear the fireworks and get jealous down in their suite.Another day dawns; and with the sunrise comes another date card. Group date!!!!! Invited: Jackie (ew), Emily, Lisa (who?), Marissa (who?), Alli, Chantal, Britt, Michelle.

Who is NOT invited??? Ashley H. and Ashley S.That means the two of them will be on the two on one date and one of them WILL go home. How sad for them. Michelle however, is GLAD this is happening.Anyway, Brad proceeds to take the gaggle of women to a NASCAR track. Uhhhmmm yeah, that is right!! The producers of The Bachelor-- who are well aware that Emily's deceased fiance was a race car driver-- set her up on a date at a NASCAR track. And not just ANY track, as we find out, but the actual track upon which her baby daddy ended his racing career. Uhmmm WOW. Way to sink to a new low, ABC!!!! And seriously watching Emily feel sad and have all these emotions and crying in the car really made me feel ashamed of myself for being a fan of this show. That is some seriously inappropriate exploitation right there.This is what Chris Harrison had to say about the matter:

"I completely understand that on face value if you just look at this date, I get why people are immediately jumping to conclusions and saying it is cruel and unusual punishment, as you put it," "The Bachelor" host Chris Harrison says. "If you go back a little bit, this date and this season was set up before Emily was cast. Then you get to this week with Brad, who still does not know this story. He knew that Ricky, her fiancé, died in a plane crash. He did not know Ricky was involved with NASCAR and who the Hendrick family is. Obviously, that will come out this week."

Chris points out that there are only three dates on Monday's "The Bachelor." There is a one-on-one date, which Emily had already had; a two-on-one date, which he felt she wouldn't be eligible for because viewers already knew Brad's fondness for her and would suspect she would be the woman getting the red rose at the end, so that just left the group date, which she ended up on by happenstance.

"With that said, we are not stupid and naïve," Chris says. "We, as producers, knew this story. We knew Emily. We had a choice to make. Do we tell Brad [Emily's story], which we have never done before? Or do we warn Emily? Our choice is what we have always done: Let real life and everything play out. This happens a lot on our show and I love it that people will jump to conclusions by the teases and promotions that we do. Wait until you see how it plays out and reserve your final judgment until Tuesday morning."

Ha!!! Yeah right. That **sounds** very plausible.... yet FALSE. Like when you do something really wrong, but then later come up with something that WOULD justify it, but doesn't, because it isn't true.
Like when I watch all the true crime shows and the husband kills his wife, then he is like "WHAT???? Officer, my bloody finger prints are on that butcher's knife because I cut myself when I was chopping carrots. Honest!!!"
FALSE!! I don't believe for one second that this is a coincidence. It is very wrong. Especially when she had to drive around the track in the car.

On the topic of Emily, I made a composite so that everyone can see all the celebrities Emily looks like.
She looks like a young Dolly Parton, like Holly Madison and like Jessica Simpson.Anyway, at the after party of the NASCAR date, all the other ladies are green with envy because Brad has been spending so much time on the date with Emily. Hmm... funny out that worked out, producers!!! Alli makes a super harsh comment "What, so whoever has the worst story wins?" Something like that...ouch.Brad walked up on them and it was really awkward... bc they were all like "Oh we were just talking about how we don't feel special." And he's like "OH, sorry to interrupt," which I really thought was a rather rude comment, considering he is the one making them all feel like S.

To break the awkwardity, Michelle steals Brad away for some alone time. Actually I have to give Michelle props for that mood-lifting move.

Chantal keeps saying that she understands and likes Brad MORE for all the time he's spending with Emily. And I think she started crying again at some point. I like her, but she needs to tamp down the waterworks. What's her deal? Does she cry every time she gets drunk or something???
Anyway, in the end, Brad gives the rose to Emily... SHOCKER. How could he NOT? Actually I thought Michelle deserved it for trying to break the tension.

So, I agree with Grace. I really don't think Brad is that into Emily. He wishes he was, because who wouldn't want someone like her? All nice and cute and boring. He can see that she is a special person.... but he really doesn't have chemistry with her. And she doesn't need Brad, I'm sure she can find someone better for her.Moving right along to the two on one date. Ashley v. Ashley. I really think we saw that Ashley S. is the nicer Ashley. She was like if "Ashley went home, and it was MY fault... I would just never...." Haha, aw, poor Ash! She is worried about the other girl going home and how guilty she would feel about it. I really like her. She seems like a nice, stable girl.Well, Ashleys find out that they are going to a Cirque du Soleil show, which ONE of them will be performing in with Brad. The trio then go have an awkward dinner and Brad wastes no time in sending one Ashley packing.He goes, "Ashley S, I think you will make a great wife. I DON'T think you will make a great wife for ME." OUCH!!!!!!!!What the HELL?????????

Seriously!!!??? THAT is how you dump someone??? With a clever play on words??!!!??!!?! That was SERIOUSLY harsh and I did NOT support it AT ALL. Brad REALLY seemed like a jerk in his dumping of Ashley S. Like a HUGE jerk... like actually probably that was the jerkiest dumping I've ever seen in Bachelor history. He could have at least said "It's not you, it's me." Really now. That is Basic Break-up 101. I really haven't thought Brad looked like a jerk all season until now, that was just JERK-TASTIC!!! Then he goes back to the other Ashley and is like "I'm SO happy right now!!"

I would just like to say that I KNEW he was sending Ashley S home. After Ashley H's little speaking out last week, we were supposed to think it would be her... but Brad has proven MANY times that he has really shallow taste in women, so I just KNEW he would send the nice, decent girl home.I think this shot was meant to show us how they are holding hands... but actually it just showed me Brad's crotch in a harness..??? Just me??He gives the other Ashley the rose and the two then go proceed to swing from some wires.Ashley S debuts the crying-in-the-limo-ride-home-scene for this season. I really felt bad for her.... especially when she was like "I just feel like there's no fight left in me." And then she was going on about how all the guys say she will make a great wife... just not for THEM. I mean, she was really crying HARD, and really taking this break up too hard. I would just like to say that she can DEFINITELY do better than Brad, so she really shouldn't sweat it. What does she need with an old man who looks for love on reality TV 2x?? Nothing!Also, I think Ashley S is really rocking a Jennifer Aniston vibe. Uh oh... did I just curse her?

Brad heads back to his Vegas hotel room and has a long distance chat w/ his therapist. OMG. At this point, I hit my snooze button, and woke up ten minutes later when the convo was finally over.
Actually, I thought Brad sounded pretty jerky and harsh again in this convo (fine, maybe I heard a little while I was sleeping.) I mean, sure, I get it... we ALL want a wife. That's "the goal" or "the mission." But I really don't think that that makes everyone else's feelings irrelevant and unimportant, as I do believe the therapist specified.

Like I said you guys, this episode was HARSH.

Now it's time for the cocktail party. Chantal gets some one on one time... standard.Then Brad goes out of his way to have one on one time with Alli. He brings out this green cupcake bc the producers remembered he remembered that she was wearing green the first night they met. I actually thought this was going to be cruel joke #3, thinking that he would send Alli home that night. But he ended up keeping her... so I guess it's cruel in the sense that he's leading her on for another week.Then some girl pulls him aside and gives him all these little notes. I don't even know who the hell this girl is, because they've basically shown NOTHING of her.Michelle then takes him aside, locks him in a room and proceeds to dominate him. And he proceeds to LOVE it. I mean, he SERIOUSLY likes her. But I agree w/ Grace. I think she's going home soon, bc I didn't see her in any previews really.At the rose ceremony, Shawntel, Ashley and Emily grin smugly, because they are already safe. Brad then doles out the remaining fives roses and we say farewell to: two women I have never seen or heard of in my life.Then we are treated to an extended preview of what's coming up still on this season. I would like to take this time aside to say that the cinematography on this show really IS amazing. Like, seriously, y'all. I am NOT kidding. Are there cinematographers on TV shows?? I mean, seriously there are really some beautiful shots, especially when they start going to exotic locations... but really, even in the standard locations and dates.I think Shawntel stays around for awhile. I think Britt and the other Ashley and Alli are on their way out soon too. And that platinum blonde he is hugging and sobbing is OBVIOUSLY Emily. Just reference my easy to follow chart of who is left: she is the only platinum blonde remaining.Anyway, that's about it. I wonder if they will be sinking to any new lows next week. Oh yeah, and I do not for one second believe that Emily leaves him, like the way they are trying to make it look!!

Yours in the Single Life,

PS - It's going to be a long month. My roots are starting to show, and my next hair appointment isn't until Feb. 26 :( :( :(


  1. Hey, I just stumbled upon this blog and I absolutely LOVE it..hilarious but not in an annoying kind of way!! Keep it up :)

  2. what a great recap! i'm glad you pointed out emily's look alike celebrities. something about her face has really been perplexing me. why does she look so fake? does she have fake lips? i think the extreme whiteness of her teeth isn't doing her any favors. i just don't think she's had plastic surgery, so why is she so fake looking?

  3. Blondie - I got you a shout-out. Notice the picture of you hanging yourself like Michelle. I saw that scene and thought of you.
    This is the worst season of the Bachelor ever, that's all I'm going to say. And seriously, the "Are you lonesome Tonight" song that was playing as Ash was driving away in the limo was soooooo LAME. Also, it was WAY obvious which Ash was going home. When they read the date card. The ONE Ash started to smile, the other started to cry. It was REALLY obvious from how they each acted during the date that they BOTH knew their fates. But i didn't like that Ash, so I'm glad she's gone. Although, it WAS sad when she was like, "I always date guys and then they dump me" because that is how i ALWAYS felt. EVERY relationship I ever had ENDED. So i could sympathize. Also, if you can suffer through watching one of the previous episodes when Dolly P and Brad have their first one on one. Em SPECIFICALLY says to Brad, "Ricky was in NASCAR" i THINK she even says he was a manager, i could be wrong about that last part, but I'm 100% SURE she DID tell Brad on that FIRST date that Ricky was in NASCAR, so, Brad DID know that Ems fiance worked in NASCAR. Seriously ABC, if you're going to deny his knowledge, maybe you should do a better job editing. Bastards.

  4. i do not have cable right now, but your blog is practically better than watching the actual show!! also, i got a new job and supposedly one of the bachelorettes just got hired. i will try and get the inside scoop.

  5. Nice Andrea!!! You know I am always dying for the inside scoop!!!!!

  6. this recap was especially hilarious!! nice job julie julie!

    Grace - I noticed the same thing. I remember Emily specifically telling brad her finance was in racing or nascar.

    Love the Emily look-a-likes. she really does look exactly like dolly p!

    i really liked the ash that got sent home. i thought she was a genuine, sweet person - and i do not like the ashley he kept!

    drew used to say that the majority of the people that were in embalming school with him were really wierd. crazy people that liked being around dead bodies. i'm kinda sensing that shawntal might fall into this category... i'm pretty sure she's not your girl-next-door who followed her fam into the funeral business. i did think that brad had a good time with her on their evening date. he seemed to be really laughing and enjoying himself, which i don't think we've seen that much of. i think this also happened with the other chantel (the one time when chantel wasn't crying)

    is it just me, or did Chris Har used to have a much bigger role on this show? - i feel like we never see him anymore. did you notice the old man sweater he had on last week? they need a change in the wardrobe dept.

    def agree about the shopping date! who would want the guy you like to be with you for that? if i had a free shopping spree, the last person i would want with me is a guy i am trying to impress. i would have just been like, uncle brad, go grab and a coffee, i'll be back in a few hours.

    love how michelle followed in blondie's footsteps with the strangling.

    i'm really starting to enjoy michelle's presence on this show. i thought the best comment of the episode was when the two ashs received their 2-on-1 date card. everyone started crying, except michelle, who proceeded to tell us how she was happy it was them and how they need to be split up.

    i would also like the share that i have the same dress that emily was wearing on the pool date - the green cover-up. mine however is black. VS. $30. i also like michelle's lulumon (some people say lululemon...) pants. got 'em!


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