Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Take Home Message: Don't Come On Too Strong

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego are The Bachelors?

Finally!! Some dating advice emerges from the intricate plot-lines of this show! Why do you think I have been watching??? Advice: don’t come on too strong. Ladies, that means if you have just started dating a guy, maybe don’t shower him with gifts-- ANY gifts-- too soon, no matter what the occasion. Maybe don’t clear your schedule, JUST IN CASE he calls to make plans. Maybe don’t friend him on Facebook, friend his friends on Facebook or make plans for the Fourth of July when it’s only July 1st... (yes, even planning three days ahead is too much). And gentleman, maybe don’t serenade your lady on the first date, don’t wax poetic about how you will “guard and protect her heart” and most of all.... don’t tattoo the sentiment on your wrist. Oh, if only Kasey had been sent home, this Take Home Message would be so much more poignant. Alas, Ali kept his obsessed ass around. Kasey was sad that he didn’t get the chance to show her his tattoo, but believe me, that was the ONLY reason she kept him around. If Ali saw that tat, Kasey would have been history.But I’m getting ahead of myself....
Back in LA, Chris Harrison told the gentleman that they would be leaving the Bachelor Mansion in a permanent kind of way. As we will see later, he was lying.The men trek to NYC. Now, this part I found very interesting. I have always talked about how they never show the cast traveling anywhere, which shows how scripted and staged everything really is.If this was really “real” why wouldn’t we see them flying all across the universe? We never see anyone getting ready for bed or brushing their teeth in the bathroom. The scenes we see are always the same limited ones each season: lounging at the pool, fighting in the kitchen and/or living room... faux waking up. Whatever.So I was interested to notice that they stole me and Paulette’s idea to film them with a Flip cam and then taped their trip across the country.However, the footage proved to be uneventful, uninteresting and uninformative. Do you think they are in first class?As uninteresting as it was to watch the men fly to NYC, nothing could be more boring than Ali’s make-over. What the hell was that?Uhmm.... okay. Huge results there. You curled her hair? Wow. Impressive.Upon their arrival in NYC, Kasey secured a one-on-one date. What the hell is with this guy?? I was wondering if he was for real. In the end, I actually agreed with Ali’s assessment that he IS nice and “genuine,” but just kind of... off. I think he’s seriously EMO-tional. I see him with some theater chick or something... someone else who is seriously melodramatic and theatrical. I don’t think Ali is really into him.Their “Night at the Museum” date was pretty creepy, IMO. Why are they always going to these deserted locations late at night? Ok, I mean, obviously I know the answer. That’s the only time they can get them and they need to be empty for the crew to set up.However, I’m just saying --- in real life, if some guy took you to an empty museum at night or a restaurant with no one in it or commissioned someone to sing to you and ONLY you... that would be super creep-tastic.Chris L. made the assessment that Kasey looked at Ali and saw rainbows, unicorns, lollipops and taffeta. Chris said that was un-realistic and that HE did not have that kind of love for Ali. Well, I am no relationship expert... and I’m all about compatibility... but I think that you also DO need some taffeta to make a relationship stick... which is why I think things are not going to end well for Chris L. But more on that later.So in the end, Ali did not give Kasey a rose... yet she also didn’t send him home either. Can I just take a minute to say that when I first started watching this show, that’s how I thought it was anyway. I thought going on a one on one date... if you got a rose, that was a great privilege, but if you didn’t, then you just had to suffer it out at the next rose ceremony like everyone else. I didn’t realize at first that the stakes were so high on the one-on-one’s... that if you didn’t get a rose, you had to go home. So kudos to Ali for breaking the rose rules, I guess?Anyway, on to the group Lion King date. Hmmm.... I don’t know. Not that interesting really. At this point, Frank started talking smack about Justin/Rated-R.... AT THE BACHELOR MANSION. Check out that green background!!!!I know this is the Bachelor Mansion, because I watched the 20/20 special, “Behind the Rose.” Melissa Rycroft took us on a tour of the mansion and told us that this room is called “The Candle Room.”So how did Frank get all the way back there to talk shiz? I thought he left it FOREVER. SHAME ON YOU BACHELORETTE EDITORS/STORY-PRODUCERS!! At least piece together their soundbites and make them say things they don’t mean in a way that I can’t tell!So, I think the most interesting aspect of this date was the men’s attire: spandex. HA HA HA HA!!! I love how they are constantly humiliating these guys (does that say something bad about me? Probably). I’m surprised they didn’t show any footage of the guys complaining about the spandex. Maybe they are just use to the abuse by now or something? In any case, I thought it was pretty funny. Apparently you need to wear spandex to sing.
Roberto sang to Ali, so he won the challenge and then all the other guys were kicking themselves for “not thinking” of that. HAHAHA!!! Yeah guys, you should be kicking yourself. HELLO! Part of me wants to say - I think it does prove that Roberto loves her, since that’s where his head was and no one else’s was. I think it does prove that the rest of the guys are not that into her for nothing thinking of it. Not sure if it proves Roberto is genuine or just a super-player. I think she and Roberto have chemistry.... sparkles and unicorns.

So, Ali was sick again on this date. I remember that she was also sick when she first got out of the limo and met Jake. I know this is really mean of me, but people who get sick all the time annoy me.
What annoys me even more than that are people who get sick all the time and make out with healthy people. GROSS!!!! That is some disgusting sh!t right there!!! It’s gross enough to kiss two men in one night.... but to do it while you are SICK is just so nasty I don’t even know how to comprehend it.I wonder if we are going to get to watch these idiots get sick themselves a few weeks down the line. That is seriously just the grossest thing I have ever seen on this show... and that’s saying A LOT.

I don’t know.... I’d be kind of PO’d if I paid a lot of $$$$$ to see The Lion King and then had to watch some amateur Bachelor contestants perform. Who am I kidding? No I wouldn’t. I’d feel like I really got my money’s worth. Nice costumes, btw.I think she has chemistry with Frank, Kirk and Roberto. I don’t like Frank or his intense eyes, but I’m thinking maybe he would be good for her. I have thought more about Frank. He is the kind of neurotic, high-strung guy that needs lots of attention and reassurance. So he needs to be with some girl that worships him and works her life entirely around his. And even then, it would be trying to be his girlfriend.

Kirk seems nice, but I still can’t get a firm read on him. It was funny when he said at the cocktail party that they needed another guy in the house to play guitar as Weatherman serenaded her.
So Kasey COMPLETELY missed Ali’s point that he calm the hell down and stop being so cheesy. Somehow from that request, he got that it would be a good idea to go tattoo himself. What?All I’m saying is that that tattoo does NOT look fresh. I see no redness on his skin. And those colors are NOT bright or vibrant. Something to think about if you can’t sleep at night....Anyway... how sweet of Chris L. to come visit Ali on her deathbed. Not really feeling his fashion sense though and believe me... I am no male-fashion snob. But really? Long white sleeves under a striped polo shirt? And you carry your stuff around in a back pack? :(So I think it’s time for me to come clean and admit that I REALLY have a SERIOUS crush on Chris L. And Mollie, I’m not surprised that you like him too. I see him as your type as well. I mean, look at that smile:But.... I just can’t figure him out. I really can’t tell what his deal is. He might be tricking me into thinking he’s a really nice, sweet, genuine guy... just like Pavelka did, when really he just wants to be famous or something. I feel like if I met Chris L. in a real life situation, I might be in love with him and think he is great (aside from the part where he taught inner city kids for a few years... I’m not really into philanthropy or giving back). However, on the other hand... it’s like WHY did he go on The Bachelorette?? I mean, if he’s really so shy about his Mom and all that, then WHY slash HOW is he going around broadcasting it on national television?? I’d say going on The Bachelorette generally indicates a rather serious character flaw. I can’t tell if he is smart and has good comments or maybe he’s just not that intelligent? I don’t know.

After Ali’s miraculous recovery, they headed to yet another deserted restaurant. I liked the part where Ali put her foot in her mouth by asking him why ever he left his inner-city gig in NYC to move back home. Ali... he already TOLD us this... he moved back to be with his SICK MOM.

Speaking of Moms, Chris L. was going on and ON about how great his Mom was and kept saying that she was such a NICE lady... and how everyone liked her and how NICE she was.

This is the part where I’m predicting that things are not going to end well for Chris L. It’s rare for me to say I see a GUY getting hurt down the line... usually I can see it coming for a girl. But I think Chris L. has it coming. I actually do NOT think he has chemistry with Ali. And I do NOT think Ali is a particularly “nice” person either. I know she acts all giggly, etc, with the guys, but I really do NOT think “nice” is one of the main words I’d use to describe her. She isn’t the nice, sweet, warm woman Chris L. is looking for. (I am. Obviously.)

When he was telling Ali the story about rainbows and his mother, she was like “Aw, that is so GREAT. That is AMAZING.” You can tell that Ali actually does NOT understand it truly in her soul. I guess she has not really been through extremely hard times, because she was just like “That’s nice.” But it was apparent to me that she just doesn’t really have that sense of compassion and empathy that can only really be part of you once you have suffered through some serious sh*t yourself. It’s not that she is b!tchy, bad or mean. Just young. Too young for Chris L.

I think that she recognizes in her brain that Chris L. is a great catch and very sweet guy... but I don’t think she is into him the way she is into Roberto and some of the other guys. And let’s not forget that Chris L. already told us he didn’t feel magical unicorns for Ali either.OH. MY. GOD. Why am I so mean?? I can’t help it. They just keep coming to me. I’m sorry, Chris L. I really do love you and hopefully when I meet you in person, you will never have read my blog so I’ll still have a chance with you.

Also, while I’m at predicting the future.... I wouldn’t be surprised if he is The Next Bachelor. They’ve picked random failures from the last few episodes and I can already sense his story: “I was sad that my Mom died, but now I am ready to move on and find my own tru love.” All the ladies love him and think he’s cute and nice. I just kind of hope he doesn’t do it... because I don’t think it’s good for the soul. Actually, what do I care? I guess it’d be fun to watch a Bachelor that I actually had a crush on.There Chris L. is on the roof, making out with a SICK PERSON... listening to a concert for TWO. So awkward and GROSS! How many people is she going to spread her disease to?The funniest part of this whole date was how they actually changed his age in his subtitles to reflect his recently celebrated birthday. HA HA HA HA HA!!!Awwwwwwww!!!! Look how CUTE he is!!!!!! He stuck the rose in his shirt!!!! OMG.... he is the CUTEST guy I have EVER seen on the Bachelor and I LOVE him. (I'm going to pretend the flip cup thing didn't happen). I'm already getting heart palpitations just anticipating seeing him get screwed over.Hmmmm.... so Craig R. I still love you... but in this picture, it made me realize I’m not sure how cute you are? Mollie isn’t wrong in her assessment that you look like an overweight turtle. I would definitely need a hometown date with you to see what your Dad looks like-- and hence what you will look like in the future-- before I’d marry you.Who in the HELL is this? You know, if my dream came true arm was twisted and I went on The Bachelor, as much as I’d hate to watch myself make a fool of myself, I think I’d be even more disappointed if I wasn’t even shown AT ALL.... a sentiment which - now that I think of it - is quite revealing about the people who actually go on this show.Tattoo summit 2010. Hilarious how Kasey’s delusions persist and he thinks all the men “respect” him and think he’s “courageous” for getting a tattoo. I bet Kasey’s parents used to spell his name with a “C” and he changed it to a “K.” He seems like that type.If Chris can do it every week, so can I. (What I can’t do is figure out how to make the carrot part of the quote face the right way.)
Bye Jesse!!! You get to go home to your dogs and cows now. Cute smile!Bye Weatherman!!!! Maybe you’re just one of those straight guys that seems gay? GL either way!Yours in the Single Life, Julie Julie

PS - I had an interesting experience at the Dentist on Thursday, in light of my rampage last week abt “Darlin.” He kept calling me “sweetheart” and I was NOT offended... AT ALL. He is so sweet and I LOVE Dr. Wong.

PPS - Not to be a huge conspiracy theorist, but I find it HUGELY coincidental that they just HAPPENED to be in Iceland when the volcano blew.


  1. hilarious blog!! now i know why you really watch this show. ps-i miss my dentist and your conspiracy theories. -olivia

  2. this is great!
    It is so funny, it almost makes mrwantto watch

  3. Well, I guess I will have to start watching this God-awful show again so I can enjoy this immensely entertaining Blog to its fullest.

    Andrew Martin

  4. The conversation bubble carrot is not the wrong way. Chris Harrison is just throwing his voice. He has mad skilz like that.

  5. hahahaha This one was REALLY funny.... an overweight turtle!~~~ hahaha, yeah, i NEVER thought he was cute, he has ALWAYS been UNattractive to me!!! Your picture captions are hilarious!!! Good catch about being back at the Bachelre houes. I also caught that they were NOT alone in the museum, if you look close, you can see people in the background. And I agree about the kissing, although I have to say that SHE is the gross one kissing them. Except in Kirk's case when he was "putting Ali to bed" HE totally kissed her - which is NOT ok. If you are a "genuine" guy trying to "help" a sick girl be more comfortable, sticking your tongue down her throat is NOT the way to do it!!! Get some CLASS!!!!!! And I also am VERY annoyed by people who get "sick" all the time, which I also do NOT qualify being sick be loosing your voice, that is not REALLY sick!!!! Also, I think Ali and Roberto are the ONLY ones who are truly into each other and I do mean the ONLY ones. NO ONE else on that show REALLY cares or has chemistry with that girl. Just think about what you said in the beginning. Imagine if the guys that she has left, all went to a party FILLED with OTHER HOT women AND Ali, how many guys do you REALLY think would still pick Ali if they had other girls to choose from!!!????? MAYBE Roberto, but no one else.......Ugh. And this think w/Kaseys tatoo is DUMB.

  6. Great recap as always Jules! Love your insight and your aversion to philanthropy!


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