Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

Well, we have come a long way... we are almost there!!!! Only three women left for Brad to choose from. As per use, we start off in New York City. The editors recycle a shot from last week of Brad standing on his balcony and try to pass it off as if he was standing out there on that porch in the same clothing this week thinking about his harem.Then he goes back inside, laces up his shoes and catches a flight to South Africa. He spends the first segment of his trip, just as he leaves New York, thinking about his girl, Chantal O. He is comfortable and himself with Chantal. They have a connection, no doubt about it. He has wanted a piece of her ever since she slapped his face that first night after getting out of the limo. However, Chantal also is a roller coaster.

As he approaches the north eastern coast of the continent of Africa, his thoughts turn to Ashley. She is almost like magic... she really is. Funny, intelligent, "professional" woman (if by professional, you mean still in school). But Ashley has some insecurities about their relationship, as opposed to putting all her trust into Brad, a man who is dating thirty other women.

Finally as his plane closes in on South Africa, he fantasizes about Emily.... who is one in a million. However, he is intimated by her past. Poor Brad.... he really has some TOUGH decisions to make this week!!!!Here in Sabi Sands, South Africa, his first date will be with Chantal O. He rolls up in a Safari hat to pick her up. So now that I have seen Chantal O's house, it puts a whole new spin on everything I think about her and all their trips. For example, I don't really believe that she is feeling shocked or spoiled or surprised by any of the exotic locations anymore. I bet she has probably traveled all around the world in high style several times over. I doubt she was all "Ohhhh South Africa, really?!?!?!" She was probably more like "Oh yeah, SA... I know a GREAT safari company there!! You get plastic surgery then recover in the safari!" Costa Rica?? "Oh, I like CR, but I really like Bermuda better."Ok so anyway, after they take a wild animal tour and spot some lions, which was Brad's MAIN goal, you guys... they have a picnic lunch by the hippo pit. Now did you guys know that hippopotami are EXTREMELY mean and aggressive animals?? I did not know this until my Dad informed me one day at the zoo. "Hippos are very aggressive towards humans, whom they commonly attack whether in boats or on land with no apparent provocation." So I think maybe they should not have been eating there so casually.During lunch, Brad tells Chantal, "Would it be weird to say I miss your family?" Chantal thinks that is really nice of him. I mean, what girl DOESN'T want a man who not only accepts but actually LIKES her family?!?!

Anyway, later they go eat dinner. So, sorry if this blog post is not as long as others... but this episode was extremely boring, and I really don't even have that many opinions/comments to make on it. It was just three dates. But ok, whatever.

So Brad and C are eating dinner and Chantal can barely contain herself, she is so eager to get the overnight card. I wouldn't really consider that a good thing. But I don't know, I do feel like these two are comfortable together.... so I guess that's good?? I don't know sorry, I just don't really have a deep opinion about them. So after Brad accepts her pouncing on him, they go spend the night in a tree house. BITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'd be SOUR if I drew that date card and had to bunk out in the wild with mosquitoes sucking my sweet blood all night long!!! Overnight date FAIL.

Next up is Emily or "Em" as Brad so creatively and endearingly calls her. After greeting each other with the good old fashion run and jump, Brad then tells Em to hang tight because he forgot something that he needs to go back for "really quickly." After leaving Emily waiting for just long enough to start to piss her off, he re-emerges riding elephant-back.

Emily freaks out because this is her EXACT fantasy!!!! My, what a specific fantasy! "I have ALWAYS wanted to go to South Africa and ride an elephant."

So they take an elephant ride around town, scoping out the scenery. So everyone, such as Grace Oh, is like "Oh yeah, he's in love with Emily, I see it now." Honestly, I don't know if I see it. I guess???? I don't know. Actually I don't. Maybe I do?? No, I don't. Really. He is just so boring and has no sense of humor, same goes for the Em-ster. I mean, I can obviously see how Emily is a good catch, bc she is pretty and sweet and from Charlotte. I don't really see what she sees in Brad. Omg, I don't know. Again, I really don't have a deep opinion.Anyway, they go have lunch and Brad busts out what is apparently his LINE: "I miss your fam." REALLY!!?? I bet Chantal was PISSSED when she saw him say that on TV. I would have been!!!! So un-genuine!!!! He uses the same line on all the girls "Ohhhh I miss your fam!!!" NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever!!!! Also, I would just like to say that that is a TOTAL player line, now that I think about it. It's akin to saying to a girl you met that night "Oh wow, our babies would be so beautiful." HAAAAAAAA yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like that is really what guys are thinking about the night they met you. FALSE. They have just realized it's a good way to get to the girl, bc that is what SHE is secretly thinking. Then she will fall for it, and go tell all her girlfriends "OMG you guys... HE was like talking about our babies and stuff... hehehehe, I just like wanted to date!." Whatever, she totally wants to marry him. Anyway, I digress.So after lunch, they go straight to dinner. They spout some crap about Rikki or something, I don't know, I couldn't really focus bc I was so bored. She busts out that she is falling in love with him. And he is like "I'm falling in love with you too." Ouch... I don't think he's ever said that to Chantal, has he?? Despite her declarations that she IS IN love with him. Well whatever. So he breaks out the fantasy suite card from Chris. Emily says some irrelevant stuff about setting a good example for Ricky-tick. Irrelevant, bc she happily accepts the card and spends the night with him anyway.Ok, finally on to an interesting date... Ashley's. Interesting bc of how awful it was!! So Ashley rolls up in some cruiser driven by a native and meets up with Brad.Brad announces that they will be taking a HELICOPTER ride! Upon hearing this news, Ashley squeals with horror and in fact actually runs away. It was really the opposite of cute and endearing and in fact just annoying. So after she prances around about how helicopters are her WORST fear... again, so very specific. "My WORST fear is flying to South Africa, getting the third date with Brad and taking a helicopter ride!" .... they finally get in the chopper and fly over to some cliff to have a picnic.Brad again uses the "I <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiireyPEzNYHl1kXMwc9MnmUguy6xgQmGO1iue5zN3uf7MS0CqcUixIvZyZ2Ia7Zd26yZ9z5E2dAOdiIN1evpktPg1mV1JKMh5JwaJaluRPHXbF4FSr6z7YLr4VIUBKs_qetAak1ocgpd62/s1600/ashley+toast.jpg">So I think The Take Home Message of this episode is to be HIGHLY SKEPTICAL of a man who gushes ONNNN about how much he likes your family. As you can clearly see -- that is a GREAT gimmick to use on a woman. Look how all THREE of these ladies ATE IT UP!!!!!!! I think it's clear that guys know that is a great way to get to you. So obviously you DO want a guy that likes and gets along with your family... but I'm just saying -- GIVE IT TIME. Time is the only TRUE test of a man's intentions. Don't let him meet your fam once and then believe he's in love with them and going to watch the Super Bowl next year at your family's annual party while you show off your large engagement rock to all your distant aunts and cousins.

DAMN!

Can you tell I am cynical?!?!?!?!

Anyway, over lunch, they talk about their future planz. Brad starts totally fishing for Ashley to say "I would TOTALLY drop everything and move to Austin for you, if you proposed!" However, Ashley does NOT take the bait, which I loved. So, I'm not really a fan, nor am I an anti-fan of Ashley. I'm pretty neutral on her... the only thing I didn't really like about her was her two-on-one date with the other Ashley, where I felt she wasn't as nice to the other Ash. But whatever. After this hideous date, I actually started liking Ashley a lot more. I loved how she was like "Oh.... I'd like to live in southern Maine... I don't know." Mentioning like every place on the globe basically besides Austin. HAHAHAHA!!!

Brad then tries to imply that she has no balance in her life and is too focused on her career, just like HE WAS... 87+ years ago. She tries to agree and say something about having fun too, and he gets all kinds of defensive and is like "Uhhmm I didn't say that I didn't have fun."

So things started getting awkward, which I enjoyed. They wrap up their picnic and go have dinner, where things proceed to go TERRIBLY wrong. Brad calls her out for not saying that she wants to live in Austin. And I started liking her even more, bc she still didn't say "Oh, did I say that, I would TOTALLY live in Austin!!" Instead she is like "Uhmmm I've never been there, wtf?? Why would I commit to living there!?" HAHAHAHA!!!But basically, I kind of felt like Ashley was over him by this point. I'm not sure what happened, bc up until now, Brad has done nothing but drive her completely insane and make her totally neurotic and insecure. But now, she was totally over him. Maybe she met another guy during her time back at home chilling with her family before she went to SA. I don't know. Maybe she had a personal revelation that she doesn't need a guy who makes her insane. Whatever it was, I think she was OVER him by this date. She wasn't even bothering to fake an interest in giving up her schooling and hauling her cookies to Austin.... so this of course frustrated Brad to no end, bc he wants a woman to just never question him and move where he says.

So Ashley too accepts the overnight date... but they are really "off their game" by now. As things get more and more awkward, Ashley is like "So, what do you think of the mosquito nets?" And Brad acts like really nasty and put out. All exasperated and angry... it was really mean. She was just trying to break the ice... bc he certainly has no sense of humor. Whatever. Another date FAIL!

All right, so next up, Chris Harrison flew in to dish with Brad about his women. I am not even going to front here, I totally fast forwarded right through this shiz. That is four minutes and forty-one seconds of my life I saved right there.Finally it's time for the rose ceremony. All three ladies are lined up by the swamp, eagerly waiting for Brad. He shows up all nervous and pompous, and asks to take Ashley aside and talk to her "really quickly."

So I actually really did like this part and thought it was very nice of him to just dump her privately during a convo rather than have some ridiculous 3-way rose ceremony. And I also actually liked her reactions, which were pretty funny. As soon as he is like, I need to say good-bye, she stood up instantly and is like "OK BYE!" Then Brad was all trying to eat his cake and have it too... "Wait, don't be mad, can't we at least talk?" Then Ashley is like "What, I'm not going to beg." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another brilliant dumpee line!!!I also enjoyed her comment of "Wow, I'm really surprised." HAHAHAH!!! That's another funny line. Next time I get dumped, I am going to be like: "WOW... now THAT is a shocking decision on your part!!" Hahahahahaa!!!

Now true to form, Brad's jerky side now came out. He can't just dump anyone without first being mean and insulting them with his brutal and unnecessary honesty: "Ok, well yeah, I'm confident in my decision.... let me walk you out." Hahahahahah RUDE! But in order to not be sexist, I guess I should say I liked his line too. So next time I dump someone and they start mouthing off to me, I'm going to say "Yeah, I'm confident in my decision." Hahahaha!!!Anyway, after Ashley departs, Brad decides to continue and hold the rose ceremony anyway, just to "make sure" they want to accept the rose from him. By rejecting Ashley alone, he totally stole Chris Harrison's thunder, which I also thought was pretty rude.

Next week, they stay in Africa... wait actually, next week the Women Tell All. Whoooo can't wait for that one!!

Then the week after that, they stay in SA and Brad pix the final one. So really, I don't understand why they don't go back to Austin and meet his family in his actual hometown... LAME. I mean, Ashley had a good point: I've never been to Austin. You can BET I wouldn't be accepting an engagement proposal and committing to live in a place I've never been!!!

Oh My Godsauce!!!


Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

PS -- BTW
Here is a CLASSY video that emerged this week. It is of Brad and his bros rocking out to Firework by Katy Perry. Do take note of the can of Miller Lite that his brother has balanced on the STEERING WHEEL of the CAR he is DRIVING. NOT the kind of man I'd want to marry or have around my children!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not impressed!!!