Camp Bachelor!!!

Uhhhhh.... so where is our host, Chris Harrison??? How in the hell am I supposed to know how many one on one, two on one and/or group dates I can look forward to in this episode without the likes of Harrison to tell me?? Wow!! Mollie, no you are NOT the only one who has noticed Harrison's diminished role in this show!! Does he think he is now too big for The Bachelor? Does The Bachelor think it's too big for Harrison??? Either way, I don't like it.We DID see him in the previews of what's coming up on this episode... that's right... Harrison reduced to a preview: "Prepare to continue this romantic journey.... with Brad... in Costa Rica." But that's IT... not another word from him. So, should the girls make the most of their time w/Camp Counselor Brad or not? Are things only going to get more dramatic... the most dramatic in Bachelor history?? How am I supposed to know if Harrison doesn't specify???Anyway, Brad takes a solo cruise in a chopper above the landscape of Costa Rica, contemplating how much he has changed and how READY he is to fall in love. He mentally pats himself on the back for being so VULNERABLE and almost comes to tears thinking about how much progress he has made. The last time that he was the Bachelor, he was NOT vested in any of the girls by this point, but NOW he is invested in all eight of them!

Meanwhile all eight of the young ladies in whom [that's right, Stacy, no dangling prepositions in this blog!!!] he is vested fly steerage class to Costa Rica for a "romantic" getaway that felt very much to me like a group of seventh graders going to Leadership Camp over Spring Break.Upon their arrival they check into some luxurious hotel and see a volcano off in the distance... a volcano that represents their explosive love for Brad. In the foreground, on the balcony below stands Counselor Brad who tells his little campers to come down and join him.
Seriously you guys... I really did get a very camp-y vibe on this vaca. It really felt like Brad was the hot male camp counselor that all the little teeny-bopper girls are in love with. I guess that's always a fun scenario...??? Especially when he actually DOES make out and get w/ the young campers??? Hmmm..... or it sounds like the beginning of a Lifetime drama.....I think ABC sensed this vibe as well and that is why they decided to put the "women's" ages back on screen.First date is a one on one that goes to: Chantal O!!!

She is super excited.... and Michelle is MAD. If Brad wants Chantal, then he is NOT the guy for her. Michelle fantasizes about Chantal getting attacked by monkeys or apes.Chan packs up her hot pink luggage once again. She stuffs her Coach^TM purse into that suitcase and drags it to the door in case she does NOT get a rose on this date. B-dub comes and picks her up and whisks her off in his private chopper.He tells us that he is really worried about her dramatic streak. Last time, when they were in Vegas, she was crying yet again... and he's not really into drama. He wants a woman to simply respect and obey him at all times and to keep her own wants and needs running a distant second to his.So, I really am feeling like Brad is starting to come off meaner and meaner as the season wears on. Or like not necessarily MEAN, but more selfish and clueless. I mean, I guess if that's who he is deep down, then he is doing a good job of being true to himself and letting the women/us see who he really is. Like he has at this point told several women NOT to freak out anymore and to just hang in there and trust him. Clearly he is going to "break" everyone's "heart" except for maybe one person, so asking people to trust him and their connection and not to have emotional break-downs is basically asking them to all believe in a lie.Anyway, Brad takes Chantal onto a zip-wire in the hopes of recapturing the spark they once had.... a few days ago.

It starts raining on them... which is a TOTAL analogy for real life, in which it also rains.

The whole zip-lining thing didn't really do much for me. My Dad built us a zip-line in the back yard from our tree house when we were little. All the neighborhood kids were sooooooo jealous of us. As for zip-lining across a deadly canyon, not really my style. I would be extremely scared, because basically if you died or were maimed, the producers would probably be happy because it would only be good for ratings. So your safety really isn't on anyone's priority list.
Afterwards they go off and have a picnic by the river... and it starts to rain on them AGAIN. Brad seizes this golden opportunity to lure Chantal back up to his suite... "because of the rain." HAHAHAHA!!!! Watch your back, Chantal. It's all just a pretense to get you into his bed. But apparently she can't see that, because she for some unknown reason thinks she should change into his shirt...????Chantal is actually kind of starting to annoy me. I mean, yes she is really pretty. But I'm just getting tired of her whole "I was married for ten years and don't know *anything* about dating" story. "I'm ready to get back out there and ready to fall in love!" Try DATING for ten years, Chantal and then tell me how you feel...Brad chastises Chantal for getting emotional and crying in Vegas before finally bestowing the rose upon her.Incoming: GROUP DATE CARD!!! "Love springs eternal, Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt." Apparently that means Alli will get the last one on one date.... I wouldn't know since Harrison didn't tell me what dates are coming. This also means that Britt is now the only one who has not had a one on one date. Poor Britt. She only gets the rose on the group date after Brad tells everyone that he changed his mind and wasn't going to give it to his original choice -- Ashley. And now she is the only one who hasn't had a one on one date. And Chantal is off on her SECOND one on one date, so yeah, I'd say the case is pretty hopeless for Britt by this point. Same for Alli really, because if he's waited this long for a date, he's really not interested. Sorry, but there's no coming back from such a slow start!!
So the ladies pack into Camp Bachelor bus and go meet Brad to repel off a waterfall. Yikes!!! Again, NOT my idea of a good time!! So Jackie declares that she is TERRIFIED of heights... which I am as well. And to comfort her, Brad tells her about the time that he and Michelle repelled off a giant building in Los Angeles. HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Can you imagine??? You are terrified of climbing down a waterfall and the guy you're trying to impress tries to calm you down by talking about some hot date he had with another chick!!! Hahahahaaa harsh!!Meanwhile Michelle is *PISSED* because she made a pact with Brad on HER one on one date NEVER to repel down ANYTHING ever again with ANYONE else.
Anyway, everyone scales her way down the fall. Michelle is the last one left and she tells Brad how angry she is with him for breaking their pact and punches him several times.Brad was like "You're mad?" with this super eager and excited look of joy and anticipation on his face. Like he was EXCITED about the drama she was about to create. I don't know... I think he wants her bad. It's really weird.
So Brad and Michelle go down the water fall together and later they all mingle around the camp fire hot springs for the group date after party.Brad starts pulling the ladies aside one by one and having "alone" time with them and the camera crew. He starts getting all worked up saying how emotional everything is and how the night is awkward and not going well. To me, nothing really looked awkward... I think he was MAKING things awkward. Personally, I thought everyone else was up for a good time, but he was just taking this whole "finding a wife" business too seriously or something.First he took Jackie aside and told her how proud of her he was.... uhhh.... ok. Not sure that is exactly what a girl wants to hear on a date??? "I had a lovely evening with you tonight Julie. And I'm so proud of you." More like "You looked hawt in that repelling gear." Clearly their romance has ended.Then he takes Emily aside and she tells him that she sabotages all the good relationships in her life before diving into the springs like a siren. Wait, does she sabotage all her relationships or do all the guys run because they can't handle her story??? Which is it???
So I think that Emily knows that all men love her and is really used to it. That's really the vibe I'm getting from her lately. I do believe that she is genuinely nice and all that. But she does not really seem nervous AT ALL about Brad giving her a rose or not. I think she knows that she could basically have her choice from any man and just generally isn't too worried or caught up in Brad being THE ONE for her. I actually really don't think she's that into him.Finally Michelle and Brad have some hot springs alone time together and Michelle launches into a typical angry and jealous tirade. She goes ON about Chantal and how Brad just wanted to have a sexy date with her. Then Brad gets all defensive saying "Bottom line, I don't like you questioning my decisions." HAHAHAHA!!!! Seriously, he said that!!! Listen close, it was kind of edited and talk over, but he really did say that!!!!!!!!!!! Actually maybe he said that later when she sneaked into his hotel room. But he did say that. I really felt like she was pushing his limits and that he was going to snap and finally send her home.Like I think he enjoys her tormenting and "playing" with him, etc, but that she is NOT wife material. She is the kind of girl that MAYBE you are really questioning whether you should break up with her or not... but then when you finally DO break up with her, she goes completely APE SHIZ CRAZY and her true colors come out, and then you are like "OMG.... thank GOD I broke up with that kind of crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Uhmmmm but just as I was thinking all that, Brad brushes it all aside and makes out with her.Finally, because of how "awkward" and "tense" and "uncomfortable" this date was, he declares that he will NOT be handing out a rose tonight. He needs to be ONE HUNDRED percent sure in his decision... and he needs some more time to really think about the meaning behind this rose.

I really do think he's showing how selfish, etc, he is by this point. It's not really crossing his mind much that any of the women might not be interested in him.

Ok, so now it's time for Brad and Alli's one on one date. They go caving!! Which is an analogy for... hmmmmm maybe I won't go there.
I felt bad for Alli on this date. She seemed really game and sweet.. but she HAD to know she was doomed deep down. I mean, he waited this long for a date, it's pretty hopeless.In the cave, they saw some gross bugs and bats. Then they went and had dinner. Poor Alli, she REALLY dug her grave on this one. After Brad professed his love for big-city living, she then goes "Yeah..... I really don't see myself living in a big city. I mean, people think they are such big shots for living in a big city, but really it's just inconvenient." HAHAHAHA!!!! Either she is REALLY being true to herself or she is just too dumb to fake it for a man!!! Hahahaaa!!!! I guess it's really a good thing either way.THEN she proceeds to talk about the reason her previous relationship ended: basically she just wasn't that into the dude. In a cruel twist of fate, Brad then uses her own words against her and declares that that is EXACTLY how he feels about HER, which is why he won't be giving her the rose tonight. But that happened AFTER she went out of her way to declare that she WAS falling for Brad. Ouch... too bad she had the chance to slip that in there... would have been better if he could have just dumped her first.

And now we see Brad being kind of mean again, I thought. So as she is sitting there and crying and wanting to drag out the break up talk (as everyone does), he is like "Well... uhm, guess I gotta walk you out now."Like basically, you're dumped, time for me to move on. Selfish!

After the stress of having to break up with yet another hot woman (oh poor Brad), he just needs some time to unwind and be alone in his bungalow. Thank GAWD he didn't call that damn therapist of his. Probably Chris Harrison reads my blog and had them edit the therapist scenes out.Just as Brad is settling in to really marinate in his misery, there is an ominous knock at the door. It is none other than Psycho Michelle, come to question his decisions and demand more of his time and attention.I thought that this conversation was going to go really badly... it really seemed like Brad just wanted to be alone and stew. So I was really surprised when he was like "Oh, I'm glad to see you." I don't think that he WAS really glad to see her or anything.... actually I don't know what his problem is.
I feel like it's really obvious that their relationship is just "fun." I mean, it's not MY idea of fun to get punched and be angry and have fights all the time... but Brad apparently seems to love it. But obviously when it comes to actually talking about real and serious things, there is NOTHING there. On a "real" level, all she does is stress him out and pull him in a million directions <---- he specifically said that!!!!!!!!!!

So really WHY is he even still keeping her around??? Actually... I think maybe I just answered my own question. He probably just wants to have an overnight date with her. Yikes. That is GROSS.

Anyway, his problem, not mine. Cocktail Party!!!!!!! Brad shows up in a horrible mood. I know, poor guy, right??!!!!! Eight inappropriately young, hot women all fighting over him on a tropical getaway funded by ABC..... AGAIN. Can't a guy catch a break?? :(
Let's see.... so "Em," as he now calls her, pulls him aside and totally back-pedals on the whole "I sabotage relationships" confession.He pulls Michelle aside and puts her in her place with the whole questioning of his judgment. Actually I think maybe this was the part where he channeled his inner Pavelka and told her to stop "questioning" him. But she also got freaky manipulative with the whole "Brad, you asked me to list off the women you should send home." I mean, really, that was FREAKY how easily she just fell into that manipulation-mode. He should really be RUNNING not walking away from her. And I have to say, I really did think he was DONE with her after this conversation.... (but I thought wrong). There is some boring drama/scandal about Michelle sneaking away to Brad's room the other night and the girls (Chantal) just now finding out about it. Snooze-fest.Shawntel pulls him aside and they seem to have some chill and relaxing silent time. He really does seem to have a good time around her. But the problem I'm seeing there is that I'm not sure how physically into her he is. SHE broke their "silent game" and kissed him and this is NOT the first time she has pounced on him. So I really don't think he's into her that way.Chantal then takes Brad to the bench and professes her undying love to him.... and you guys, tonight is the ONLY night she could do it without any ulterior motives, because she already HAS the rose..................................................................................... ???? Uhmmm... ok??

I just don't even know what to say, other than I don't know of any kind of love you could feel for someone 4 weeks after having met them on a reality TV show. But hey, I guess I'm just cynical like that. Rose Ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How nice of Chris to fly in for the occasion! When it came down to Jackie and Michelle, I REALLY thought that he was going to send Michelle packing. But he didn't. Instead he sent Jackie home... which kind of worked out better for me anyway, since I really didn't like the Jack at all. Even though Michelle is bad news for Brad, I guess she's still good news for my viewing enjoyment.Jackie's limo ride exit was pretty uneventful... she didn't really seem that torn up about him, which is a good sign for her. She said the standard stuff: what is wrong with me? When will I EVER find true love? This always happens. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I really thought he was the one. I think I should have done xyz different.... and so on and so forth. Previews for next week look good. Chantal cries some more... Emily scares Brad some more... and they do a soft core porn video on the beach... ??
Also, all the little "humorous" out takes at the end this season have really been UNDER-whelming to me. Those are usually some of the best parts of the show. Usually they are really funny and actually make me laugh. But this season, they have been pretty stupid and have NOT made me crack a smile at all. I saw what they were trying to do w/ the praying mantis at the end... but I dunno.... I just didn't think it really worked since they didn't really have a good shot of the mantis landing on anyone or anything. So you just couldn't really tell what was happening. I mean, the POV of the mantis spying on their convo was funny, but it didn't pay off well. My advice to them would be to hire ME to produce these funny segments from here on out. Dream job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie