Revisionist History is Good for You

I would like to start this re-cap off with a grammar lesson called "The Difference Between I and Me.""I" is a SUBJECT. "Me" is an OBJECT.

It is therefore grammatically INCORRECT to say "There's no romance between Britt and I." OMGGGG!!!!! And the reason me is giving this lesson is because they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say this on this show over and over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! It is like screeching birds in my ears every time me hear it.

Would you say "It's going to be a great date for I." ??? No!! So why would you say "It's going to be a great date for Emily and I." ?????

Now it's also obviously incorrect grammar to say "Me and Melanie are going to yoga," (Sorry, Mom!!). However, me don't really have a problem with that, because it's OBVIOUSLY wrong and whoever says it obviously is not trying to be pretentious. But when you say "The chemistry between Shawntel and I is amazing," it's annoying on all levels. 1 - you sound like a pretentious prick-a-zoid and B- it's not even correct!!!!!!

Moving right along!!

To Anguilla.The grammatically-challenged Bachelor and Bachelorettes haul @ss to Anguilla. Thankfully Harrison graced us with his presence for this episode and told us that there will be three one on one dates and one group date. No roses will be on the one on one dates, so no pressure there. There WILL however, be a rose on the group date.The first one on one date goes to: Emily!!!!!!!!!! They take a chopper ride over to a stark, deserted, "private" island. But it actually didn't really look like it was that NICE of a private island if you ask me. Like, there was NO SHADE on it. I mean, I think I got sunburned just watching it on TV.So I think that there is no chemistry between these two. Sorry!!!!!! But I just REALLY do NOT see it. Brad says that he still feels nervous and tongue-tied around Emily. Well, honestly, I don't think that's a good sign. I mean, yes it's good to have butterflies in your lungs around someone and be all excited about them. But feeling nervous and like you can't quite say the right thing??? Yeah, no. In the end, I just don't think that's good. You should feel at ease and like you just want to keep talking about things and touching their arm.

On the flip side, I really don't think Emily is that into Brad either. I really get the vibe from her that she KNOWS she could basically have any man she wants. She does not seem nervous or excited about Brad AT ALL to me. I don't think she knows she could have any man in a SNOTTY way. I do believe she is nice and sweet. But she really could have about any guy and I think she just is used to that and isn't worried about Brad. Clearly she has NO TROUBLE finding someone to date.Now Grace, I know that you think Emily is super-boring and I agree with you. However, I REALLY am hoping for her to Be The Next Bachelorette. She is pretty and she is from Charlotte. I love it when she says "Home to Charlotte." I love the way she says it and it makes me want to hop a plane and go there ASAP. It would be really cool to have a Bachelorette from Charlotte.Anyway, Brad and "Em" have dinner on the beach and have some conversation about whether or not Brad would get to meet her daughter if she got a hometown date. It was extremely confusing and I have no idea what in the hell they were talking about. Clearly it was edited into oblivion. Brad then does the most dramatic thing in Bachelor history, which is to tell her that she IS getting a rose at the next rose ceremony. Apparently, he tells her that so she will feel comfortable and decide to let him meet her daughter. Or something??? I really don't know. I'm over these two as a couple.So the next one on one date goes to: Shawntel, the funeral director. This is nice for her, but pretty bad news for Britt, who STILL has not gotten a one on one date. Shawntel and Brad are going to troll the streets of Anguilla.Shawn greets him with an aggressive kiss, as she always does. Not a good sign for her.

They proceed to go walk through a Farmer's Market and play dominoes with the locals........ ......followed by a picnic of red wine.After that, they go have dinner in a tree house, then get a concert (not a private one, mind you). Afterward they take a dip in the osh and Shawntel shows off her giant back tat.I'm not really sure about Shawntel + Brad, to be honest. There is something about Shawntel I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it's that they really haven't explained WHY she is a funeral director??? I mean, aside from that being the family business or wanting to make piles of money, there really is no normal reason to choose such a profession.Now as some of you may have noticed, I trolled over to Reality Steve to promote my blog. But while I was there I did NOT read his spoilers. A little post did catch my eye, even though I didn't try to get too into it, but he was saying something about Shawntel has some sister who's all hot and a stripper or bartender or posed in a calendar or something. I don't know. But it kind of weirded me out. Like it made me feel like Shawntel is being a funeral director as a publicity stunt or something. But I really don't know. I also kind of feel like she just might be a genuinely odd but harmless person. Can't tell!!!Regarding her and Brad.... I really do feel like he seems to enjoy her company and have a good time with her. It feels pretty cliche to say "Oh, I think they have a friend vibe." But.... I think I do feel that way. And again, like apparently MOST of the ladies, I'm not positively sure how into Brad Shawntel is.......I can't quite figure this pairing out, I'll be honest.......Anyway, the final one on one date goes to... Britt, FINALLY. She applies her Bonne Bell chap stick, then Brad comes and takes her away in a yacht. They sail over to a rock and then jump off a dangerous cliff. They swim around for a little bit, then go sit on the beach and have an awkward conversation.

Basically there is nothing there... no chemistry. And that's not my opinion, that's straight from the mouth of B-dub. He feels NOTHING for her, even though they are sitting in the most romantic spot on the globe. He just doesn't have a desire to reach over and kiss her. Yeah, bad news.They swim back to the yacht to go have dinner anyways. I guess we all have to eat, as they say. This was pretty cringe-worthy, since we all knew what was coming. Of course to make it even worse for us, they had Britt say over and over how glad and free she was knowing that she didn't have to worry about a rose tonight.After a few sips of wine, Brad drops the bombshell: I'm just not that into you. He was able to say this a little bit nicer than he has said to the other girls. Instead of saying "I'm not physically into you," he at least threw her a bone and said "We're not physically into each other." So that was nice.Britt tried one last desperate attempt, "Well, I am willing to give it time." But Brad shut her down. "Sorry babe, I am NOT going to string anyone along THIS time on The Bachelor. Peace out and please watch your step."So then Britt got thrown off the yacht and had to paddle back to shore on a sad little life boat.

At the mansion, just to make everything even MORE awkward, all the other ladies were shouting "Yay, Britt is back!!! I am so glad you are back, Britt, it is just not the same without you here. Welcome home! Yay!!"

Therefore, it was even more dramatic, when Britt was like, "Yeah, actually I'm packing my bags." Then she goes "It just isn't there for us." Now I don't know whether they edited out this conversation or what, but she made it sound like it was some sort of mutual thing.... which I personally find hilarious. He totally dumped her, but now she is making it sound like she might have dumped him.

I think that's a pretty good strategy to have in life... revise your personal history into whatever makes you feel best. Hahahaha!!!!

And I just have one final parting thought for Britt: cut your hair.

Sorry. Britt seems nice and sweet and I feel bad for her. She seemed to know she was doomed all along, but still just had to go through the date anyway. So I wish her the best. Maybe now she can go eat some of that food she writes about food about which she writes. (Close call, Stace).Next up is a scandalous group date where Brad takes Chantal, Michelle and Ashley to the beach to pose for Playboy or Sports Illustrated or something where they pop their tops off. Sigh. UGH, I'm getting tired of writing this. This date was a bit tiresome and also quite interesting at the same time.Ok, so they all roll around in the sand with their tops off. Ashley laments her lack of boobs, then puts some conch shells on them.Michelle decides that in lieu of taking her top off, she will make out with Brad in the wet sand. This makes Chantal and Ashley feel sad, insecure and jealous.After this pornographic photo shoot, they go have a pool party. Ashley and Chantal have hardcore withdrawn and are sullen and depressed. Michelle is..... Michelle.

And Brad is just "MISERABLE." Ugh. He needs to chill out, for one thing. Anyway, he takes them each aside and has some tedious one on one time with each of them alone. He now feels guilty for getting so carried away and caught up in the public make out session with Michelle on the beach.

He tells Michelle that he thinks they are too much alike and that in a relationship, they would just end up going around and around. The physical attraction would wear off and they would then just be at war all the time. Well obviously this is true. I guess the only news here is that it took him this long to figure it out. But then again, I guess in actuality not as much time as passed since he met her as we are led to believe.

He then takes Ashley aside for a second time, and she keeps saying "You are scaring me babe, you are scaring me, babe." She says that approximately one thousand times. So, I think that is a really bad sign for her!!!!!!!!!!! That is her gut telling her that this is NOT RIGHT. Why would you want to be with someone who made you feel that way???? Who when they pull you aside, instead of thinking that he has some nice pleasant surprise for you, that he is about to bomb your heart instead?????

Now, you might be thinking that she just feels this way because of the situation that they are in -- him dating a pile of women on The Bachelor. But that isn't true!!! Emily doesn't feel that way, she knows she can get another man if need be. Chantal doesn't feel that way either. She "loves" him. She seems to have more of a sense of zen about the whole thing. Bottom line is: I really think Ashley should NOT choose and/or worry about being with someone who makes her feel so insecure and unhappy and nervous all the time.

Anyway, the whole little pull aside bit was so that Brad could give her the rose anyway. Now she's all relieved, etc. But it's still not worth it. I would just never want to be with someone who made me feel that worried.

Of course, things are only going to get worse for Brad. Now that Ashley has the rose, Chantal is extremely hurt. She can't help it, she is now crying. Brad tries to take her away to talk to her, but she won't go. So instead Ashley and Michelle step away. I liked how Chantal wouldn't go away and talk with him. Good!! Why should she?? He hurt her by giving the rose to Ashley, so she is right to stew in her misery for a hot minute... rather than rushing to go reassure Brad that she "understands" and "is okay with it."

Anyway, I'm kind of not sure what to make of Brad and Chantal either. I think they might be good together??? Did anyone else notice the part on the beach where Brad was like "So, have your feelings changed....... ????" Like totally fishing and leading her on to say that she loves him again. I found that pretty interesting. Obviously he LIKES her saying that then. It doesn't freak him out, etc, otherwise he wouldn't have basically asked her to say it again.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of Chantal for "loving" him. She seems grounded somewhat, other than that odd declaration..... Really, I just don't know.Later that night (or the next day or sometime later), the women all gather around the pool for a rose ceremony.

Brad however has other plans in mind. He requests to have a conversation with Chris Harrison with Ashley's boob conchs sitting on the coffee table. Brad tells Chris that he already KNOWS whom he is sending home tonight and therefore doesn't want to bother with the facade of a cocktail party. Chris asks him if he REALLY means that, and Brad assures him that he does.
Harrison goes and breaks the news to the ladies that there will be no cocktail party, only a rose ceremony.

They go to the beach and Brad gives everyone a rose besides Michelle. I was surprised and amused by Michelle's exit. She refused to say ANYTHING. Hahahaha!! It really was pretty funny. Brad was like "Can I have your hand?" And she is like, "Uh, no," as he was walking her out.He was like "Do you want to talk?" And she is like "Uh, no."

Then she got into the limo and STILL refused to say anything. That part is what amused me the most. It made me wonder how long the producers drove her around the city, trying to get her to talk. Sort of like a torture situation, but funny. I bet they drove for hours and hours and she just sat there. She finally laid down defiantly and eventually the producers gave up... the only usable footage they got was her laying down.I wonder if we will see her at the Women Tell All.

As for next week, I am extremely excited to see a hometown date in Charlotte, since that is also my home town. I am also excited to see the funeral director's hometown date. I forgot who the other two women were already. Hopefully next week should end up being a pretty good ep!!!

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie