The Take Home Message: Chemistry Beats Compatibility

First off, I was disappointed that I had to watch the entire Bachelorette episode first before I got to see Jake and Vienna square off. And after watching the entire thing, I really think they should have aired Jake and Vienna first. That showdown was a real buzz kill and therefore the show really ended on a negative note. Thanks for harshing my mellow, ABC. I would rather have watched Vienna's meltdown first, then be uplifted by Ali, who is still allegedly looking for love.

But whatever.

Off our Bachelors + Ali + Chris Harrison jet to Portugal.
The date card arrived in the hotel suite and I liked Frank for one second. The card said "Come be the king of my castle." So Frank was like "What if she throws you in the dungeon?" And Roberto was like "Kings don't spend time in the dungeon." Then Frank is like "That's true. Damnit!" But in a cute way. Like, you know the producers are just sitting around making them shoot the breeze and make up lame comments about the stupid date card. And it was like Frank was just being a good sport and going along with it. So I liked him for a split second for the first time all season.

I think Roberto is the blah-est person on the face of the planet. I am even more bored by his existence than I was by that other guy who never spoke or made any facial expressions. If Roberto actually has any interesting aspects about him, they sure as hell aren't showing them to us.

So, Roberto gets the first one on one date. They walk around the city.
So, am I just like a really impatient bitch or something?? Because I found the fact that Roberto couldn't get a shot of her jumping in the air to be really annoying, when she got a shot of him kicking on the first [shown] try. I guess I find ineptitude tiring... particularly in a dating situation.
I felt really bad for the stoic security guard whose ear she whispered into and with whom she struck a pose. How obnoxious and unoriginal! I'm not particularly a huge fan of Ali's, but the one thing I do like about her is that I don't think she's really boy crazy. But acting like a jerk with that security guard was just a Stupid Girl thing to do.
Obviously I threw up in my mouth when they spontaneously danced in the street. Furthermore, if some guy pulled some cheesy move like that on me, I'd be highly suspicious. So, I can't tell if Roberto genuinely "can't help but to dance when he hears music" [that was added in post-production] or if this is some kind of move. He seems like a genuine guy I guess. Genuinely boring. I don’t know... the other guys seem to like him, so that's a good sign. He mostly just puts me to sleep.
I actually agreed with Ali's comment that "life isn't a fairytale, but love can be." Uhmm... yeah, exactly. Falling in love DOES feel like a fairytale. But life ISN'T. That's why you should be CAREFUL who you "fall in love" with and who you let into your life. "Love" feels like a fairytale, but nature designed it that way to trick you into reproducing. So proceed with extreme caution when "falling in love."
Also, I realized when she handed him a cracker with a pepperoni on it and said "this is the only food I will ever make" that it actually did NOT make her look cute. It was pretty un-cute and annoying. Which made me realize I probably need to take cooking classes myself and learn how to cook if I want tons of guys to marry me (see my other blog if you didn't get the reference.)
Other than that, wow, this dude is coma-inducing..... and possibly full of the brown stuff?? He's got a couple too many cheesy comments and moves for my taste. She seems to be in love with him though, I guess. What the hell do I know?

Up next: the two on one date with Ty and Frank.
So, I'm kind of attracted to Ty, despite his penchant for traditional gender roles. I think it's because of his broad shoulders. Obviously that weird embellishment on his shirt is heinous. But look how broad his shoulders are compared to Frank's. I like that. However, I do also have a creepy Good Old Boy vibe from him. Like, was his Daddy in the Klan or anything? I don’t know... something about him just makes me picture old white guys sitting around in wood paneled rooms being elected for public office and oppressing women and minorities. But hey, maybe that's just me?!
Well he dug his own grave anyway with Ali with all that talk about how precious it was for her to have goals in life.

So she's down to only five guys -- do they usually do two on one dates this late in the game? I don’t think so. I think we've seen five HOMETOWN dates in the past. Not sure why they are forcing a two on one this late in the game, where no one has to go home. But yeah... by this point, a two on one is extremely awkward as they all noted.

So Frank pulls her aside to drop his bomb shell of a secret on her. Is he divorced? Does he have a kid or two running around somewhere? Oh no, this news is FAR WORSE. "One thing I have to tell Ali tonight is that I live with my parents." HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's one of the best lines I've ever heard in Bachelor history. And I love how he tries to spin his bunking with his parents into a "family is the most important thing to me."

Oh man, that is some BAD NEWS that I do NOT want to hear from a guy I'm dating. Hey Frank, just because you moved out at eighteen does not make it okay for you to move back in at thirty-one. In fact, why would you even think that??? What the hell does that prove? Who cares what age you moved OUT at? Moving back IN at thirty-one is NOT COOL. Just because you leave home at fourteen doesn't mean you put some years away in a bank and you can cash in on them later with interest by moving home when you are forty. Your parents should be moving in with YOU, not the other way around.

Now obviously, I am knocking on wood hard core that I don’t lose my job and all my money and have to move back in with Marty and Joeline. However, Frank QUIT his job and moved to Paris to write screenplays. So he kind of had it coming.

Anyway, Ali seemed really un-fazed by his little revelation. In fact, you could tell she was nervous and biting her lip and scared about what plot twist was about to be revealed to her. When it turned out it was just the fact that he lived in his Mom's basement, she felt really relieved and hugged and kissed him. Frank was also relieved that Ali didn't care he lived at home.
I found that weird. I thought Ali was all about working and having a career. So I'm not sure what she sees in Frank... much less why she doesn't care he's freeloading off his parents. I would be VERY turned off by a man who's crashing on the homefront. But I think Ali is actually kind of in love with Frank and has some kind of chemistry with him. Whatever -- good luck with that, y'all, since apparently Frank is going to tell her "We need to talk" "later this season."

As I have stated previously, I guess I just think Frank is high-strung, neurotic and insecure. He kind of depresses me.... as do most people with no career prospects.

Incoming: Kirk.

Ali and Kirk have a one on one date, walking around the city and going in a horse carriage. He pronounces her name "Ellie." I guess this is because he is from Wis-can-sin.
So Ali confesses that this date isn't going as well as she hoped either. She just said the same thing about her two on one date and she's going to basically say it again during her date with Chris L. Here is my personal interpretation: I think she's getting depressed and stressed out at this point because she is realizing that she is just not that into ANY of these guys. You know that sinking feeling you get when you realize the nice guy you are dating just isn't the right guy for you? That is the feeling she has right now--- times five.

I thought their conversation over dinner was extremely stupid. Kirk said he realized that he DID deserve love. Ali said she was worried she wasn't good enough for him. OMG people. I'm not saying that it's not understandable to have those feelings. But I AM saying that maybe you should discuss those feelings with your THERAPIST and NOT ON A DATE. Omg!!! What a turn off!!! You need to figure out that you "deserve" love and that you are "good enough" on your OWN TERMS and not on a date!!! If you haven't realized that you are worthy and deserve love, then you shouldn’t even be on a date. It should be a given when you're on a date that both people understand they are worthy and deserve love. The only thing in question should be whether or not y'all are going to find that with each other. How embarrassing!!

Bands singing to an audience of two continue to creep me out. And Ali looks like my Grandma in that outfit. I am sure she is reading my blog from heaven.
Nothing else to really say about Kirk, other than my friend who I was watching it with, Jackie, said he was gay. I'M not saying he's gay, but I AM saying that I see what she is saying. Now that's she's mentioned it, if he came out of the closet, it wouldn't be the biggest surprise of my life. In fact, I have called so many people on this show gay, that I think they need to do a special on all the past contestants who are actually gay. They could call it: A Rose Out Of the Closet.

In rolls Chris L. dressed to the twos. Not sure why he can't manage to clean himself up and put on something nice for once. Or at least something not frumpy and baggy.

Ali is SO not in love with Chris. She just called him a FRIEND and said their relationship is moving way too slow. Sorry Chris, but there's no bouncing back from that. Ali is NOT into Chris L. and never will be.

Now as for me, my feelings about him are still mysterious. I still think we have great chemistry (hahaha!!!). But then he keeps doing and saying things that make me cringe.

The whole scooter incident was not very attractive to me. I didn't like how he was like "I can't be known as the guy that killed The Bachelorette." I'd be annoyed if I was Ali. He should care about killing ALI, regardless of if she is The Bachelorette or not. I don’t think he meant anything bad by it... but my fears continue to grow that perhaps he's not that smart?

It also wasn't very cute how he didn't know how to drive the scooter and was apparently driving at like five miles per hour. I'm not a fan of driving anything: cars, planes, boats, scooters or go-carts. So I definitely prefer a man that can just take the damn wheel and get the vehicle where it needs to go. It would seem that Chris L. is not that man. Ali had to take the wheel.


Also, look how NOT into him she is. Driving with her arms around his SHOULDERS? HAHAH!!! Don't you normally put your arms around someone's WAIST when you are riding? I don’t know...

I do think a really fun date would be to go riding on the back of a motorcycle throughout all the hills and canyons in LA. I'm not saying that I want to go to the ICU, but I AM saying that I actually do find motorcycles to be really fun.

My fears that Chris L is a drunk frat bro worsened when they went to the winery and he made some crack about "are we going to drink that whole big one?" What? Joking about drinking a barrel of wine isn't very clever, in my opinion.

Haha, I love how he claims that he and his brothers are hilarious and sarcastic and mess around with each other all the time. Hmmm.... I will be the judge of that when we see them next week on your hometown date.
All right, the Mom thing is getting old. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that the producers are playing this storyline up?

It's also pretty clear that the producers made them all suck up to her and talk about how much they wanted her to meet their families. I don’t know... none of them seemed genuinely concerned about that aspect, so it's never been so crystal clear to me that the producers were clearly like "U better talk to her about why you want her to meet your fam, otherwise you might not get a rose, yo."

That bracelet gift was totally a producer-thing too. Not impressed.

I'm not sure if Chris is really in love with her or what, but he DEFINITELY needs a way nicer, sweeter, gentler woman than Ali. Whatever. Chris L makes me want to guard and protect HIS heart.

Rose Ceremony!!!

I'm loving the fact that it's a rainy, stormy, thunder-y night over there in Portugal.

Once again Chris L. shows up for the rose ceremony looking the opposite of sharp. I know some of you were highly disappointed by my lack of screen grabs last week (Mollie, Dad). So I am providing you with one shot from last week:
Chris looking like S at the rose ceremony. This week? Same deal.
But look how cute his smile is.
Anyway, bye Ty.
So one thing I've noticed on all the seasons of The Bachelorette is that the girl/Bachelorette is the one crying all the time, even though she is also the one sending all the guys home. And I'm always like "Oh, see how hard it is for women??!!"
Well, Ali is really proving me wrong this season. I don’t think we've seen her cry once, have we? This just goes to further prove my point that she is not into ANYONE. I'm starting to think that maybe she isn't the relationship type or something?? Is there such a type?
None of the guys have seemed that torn up either.

Moving on to The Bachelor: Every Rose Has a Thorn
Before I get started, I would just like to say that if I had the chance to sell my bitter break up story to Star magazine for fifty grand, I definitely would. All's fair in love and war. And if someone screwed you over, might as well make some $$$$ off it.
So I basically believe Vienna.

You can tell that Vienna was genuinely emotionally invested, while Jake just sat there like some sort of robot.

The only new thing I really learned about Vienna during this is that she really IS pretty annoying and does seem to have a severe interrupting problem. Maybe they just cut it that way to make it seem like she kept cutting him off... but personally I believe she probably DID keep cutting him off.

But I think Jake is way worse. The way he argued with her was very creepy. He would just make these scathing, cutting and cruel little one-liners to her. Like "who was that guy at the apartment." And "the guy you were fooling around with said it." Or "HAHAHAHA that's a BIG SHOCK you are going to stay in LA." He just creeped me out. I really believe her over him.

I think her character flaws are that she is very young and very stupid. That is forgivable though. You can't really help either of those flaws. She probably DOESN'T have much to bring to a relationship.

Meanwhile, Jake is ten years older than she is. He clearly has the advantage of more life experience. And I really think he used her. I do think he is the fame whore. And his cheating accusations seemed pretty bogus, honestly.

She DID keep interrupting him to an extreme, but still when he snapped "Stop interrupting me!" you could see how he treated her like a little child, just as she said. Now, maybe she deserved it somewhat, for ACTING stupid and young. But Jake knew all along that she was a stupid twenty-three year old - so the blame still goes to Jake. What exactly did he think he was going to have in common with a twenty-three year old party slash Daddy's girl?

Then you could see that he was thinking "Damnit I just let me true colors show through!" since he tries so hard to present this picture perfect image of himself to the world. Remember when he was going ON to Jillian about how frustrating it was that everyone thought he was SO perfect and couldn't believe that that was just genuinely who he was?? Well Jake we are seeing who you really are for sure now.
That is right when Vienna crumpled into tears and stormed off.

I feel like Jake basically messed with the wrong girl, sort of. Like, if he had picked Tenley, they probably would have just broken up in peace and quiet and we never would have seen all this. But Vienna is dumb enough (... or smart enough??) not to just internalize everything and take all the blame on herself. And she innocent slash dumb enough to think that going on TV and to the tabloids to talk about it will clear her name and let people know her side. But then again, she's kind of right, because I can't imagine anyone watching this would side with Jake?
So after Vienna stormed off and Jake continued to sit there like an emotionless snake, even Chris Harrison was like "Uhm, do you like even feel bad or anything?" Yeah, that really struck me as un-gentlemanly behavior too.... it did feel kind of weird and odd to me for a guy to be party to riling up his ex-fiance like that, then just sit there interested only in his own honor as she stormed off hysterically crying. I'm not really sure what else he could have done in that position? But it really did strike me as VERY un-gentlemanly behavior to treat a woman like that. Women get upset and cry over nothing... learn to deal, man. And this doesn’t really seem like nothing either. Jake is an idiot and has no clue how to treat women. I mean.... I'm just thinking of it this way - I can't picture Chris L. doing this to any woman. Most men would not rile up their ex-fiance to the point of hysteria, then just sit there like a statue when she melted down and ran off the set.

No matter how stupid or annoying Vienna is, I am still putting the blame on Jake, because he is older and clearly took advantage of her. This is my opinion.

So I love how Jake was then all "Chris Harrison, I have NEVER been in a relationship before where I have raised my voice." Yeah right. A - I don't believe you. And B - even if that WAS true, then why is your judgment so horrendous that you thought being in a relationship with Vienna was a good idea?

Then in the end, Jake even busted out a fake for-the-camera laugh, like an anchorman would do at the end of a broadcast. What the HELL, Jake? Did you SEE what just happened?? Did you NOTICE how a woman that you were allegedly in love with and engaged to just stormed off hysterically? And you have NO EMOTION?? You are Anchorman-laughing??

I guess Vienna had it coming for ever going on the show in the first place. But I still feel bad for her because I think she is just extremely stupid and really got herself hurt. But then again, being stupid can definitely work in your favor. So hopefully she will be able to bounce back well. I definitely like her more now that I have seen this.

I think Jake is a weird-o control freak. And I hope he can come to terms with the fact that he is gay, but that he can still love Jesus and go to heaven. Also Jake, if you are reading my blog -- take my advice. Accepting your homosexuality and coming out of the closet will be good for you on MANY levels. THAT would be a GREAT way to keep your fifteen minutes of fame going. I would DEFINITELY tune in to see that special and read all the magazines about it. Plus, then you would be a nicer person all around since you wouldn't be leading a secret life, you could find a nice hot boyfriend, apologize to Vienna and pursue your acting career.

I actually found the whole thing kind of depressing to watch. It was a cruel reminder to me that my entertainment on Monday nights comes at the expense of other people's emotions (not Jake's for damn sure, but clearly Vienna's). I prefer to focus on the roses, romantic dates and wine. I don't like to look behind the wizard's curtain.

Who am I kidding? Watching how people handle being manipulated is the exact reason I watch. Yikes. Poor Vienna... and Jake is creepy.

I am on Team Vienna. What team are you on?

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

PS - I don't think anyone "deserves" love. I kind of take issue with that word. No one really "DESERVES" anything actually. The only thing you DESERVE is something you earned... like -- I don't know, a PAYCHECK at the end of the work week. You don’t DESERVE love. You are just lucky and blessed if you happen to find it.

PPS - I've realized that I'm more interested in having a crush on the person I marry than actually being compatible with him. Chris L. taught me this lesson.