The Take Home Message: Family Is Everything

This week, Ali goes to the hometowns of her four remaining suitors. So let's get to it.

First up: ROBERTO
Ali jumps on him and wraps her legs around him like a little love monkey. Can we stop with this move please? It became mandatory for all Bachelorettes to greet Bachelors by jumping on them and wrapping their legs around them a couple seasons ago. And it's really gross and inappropriate... and just... STOP!!!
Overall, I think Ali is kind of getting over Roberto and is not as into him as she was at first. It was funny in the stadium when they had to blur out ALL the ads lining the fences. HAHAHA!!! It's so pretentious the way they blur every single WORD out on this show.... t-shirts, billboards, etc. Like anyone is really intrigued by the Coke ad plastered in a baseball stadium. Whatever.
Roberto and Ali take the leg wrap move to another level and proceed to run around all the bases with Ali wrapped around him like a monkey.
Anyway, Ali says that she feels like a proud "wife" watching Robert-o in his baseball uniform. Uhm..... let's not get ahead of ourselves, Al! She also says that a baseball uniform is the "sexist thing a guy can wear." Really?? I don't know about that. I think most people would say maybe a fireman's uniform or police uniform.... maybe even a football uniform because of the tight pants. I wasn't aware baseball uniforms were considered sexy. But then again... I'm not into sports, so what do I know?
Robert-o continues to bore me to tears. I really am not sure what she sees in this dude. He's hot? Giving her a baseball card OF HIMSELF was pretty arrogant, in my opinion. But she seemed to LOVE it, so I guess it's all good.

He describes his family by saying that his Mom is really passive. Uhmm.... ominous foreshadowing, in my opinion.
Moving on to Roberto's family. His Mom, Dad and sister are there. His parents really racked their brains to come up with creative names for their kids. Roberto is named after his dad, Roberto Senior. And his sister is named after his Mom. Way to think outside the bun, guys. I'm sure THAT was never confusing around the house when people called.
So I forgot about Roberto getting the first impression rose until his family reminded me. And I also either forgot about or never heard this line he apparently told her: "Whenever you are nervous, just look right into my eyes, right here, and don't be nervous." If someone ever said that to me, I would definitely puke in my mouth.

If Roberto said that and also danced in the streets with her... I dunno... I'm going to label him as a player. He does seem pretty mellow and mild-mannered though. So maybe he's not a malicious woman-hater (like Rated R), maybe he just gets a ton of women for being so "good-looking."
I liked the part where Roberto's Dad took Ali aside and grilled her about her life goals. The best part was when the ominous music started playing softly in the background as Ali told him about her career oriented goals: owning a business, being successful, etc. The machismo Dad then got nervous that maybe Roberto wouldn't be able to achieve all HIS goals and do what HE wanted to do (btw – what in the hell is his alleged career?? I'm not remembering what I saw in his lower thirds… and any guy willing to take several months off to go be on The Bachelorette clearly isn't very career minded anyway, so I you're all set there, Robert-o Sr.).

Anyway, I love how Ali did NOT succumb to the pressure and back-pedal and say "Oh, did I say I want a career? I meant that I want to just fulfill Roberto's every want and need." Instead she was like "Well, for me to make Roberto happy, I need to be happy. So I want to be fulfilled and we can work together as a family." Haha, nice!!

However, this union will never work out if they get together. She sent Ty home because of his penchant for traditional gender roles. Well I think she should have sent Roberto home on that same bus. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Onto some family salsa dancing. Roberto's Mom looks REALLY young. Like awkwardly young. I'm thinking plastic surgery? She is pretty though, I will give her that.

Verdict: Ali is more into Roberto than he is into her. He thinks he could just get any woman.
CAPE COD!!!!

Chris L. is excited to mix two things he loves:
1. His family
2. Cape Cod
3. Ali

Meanwhile, Ali "thinks" that she and Chris moved beyond "friends" in Portugal. I'm going to call this thought erroneous. I think that one would KNOW if one had moved beyond friendship. Chris L. is soooo doomed. There is NOTHING between them and it was abundantly clear to me as I watched the stroll along the beach.
Walk on the beach FAIL: bringing up whale sex. Wtf?

Anyway, Ali is really just not that into Chris. I think she's kept him around this long because he is a nice guy, he's cute and he's from Massachusetts (that's a hard state to spell, btw... I had to look it up). I think Chris is -- as they say in Bachelorland -- not opening up. This relationship is going nowhere fast.
So Chris L. lives at home too, just like Frank.
Wow, he really DOES look like his Mom.

That whole little pretend house, sitting on the porch thing didn't really work for me. Number one - that is his DAD'S house, not his. So I really hope he isn't planning to live there "when" he marries Ali. And B, when he said his boss was hard on him -- did he mean his Dad yelled at him after he mowed the lawn? And finally the next sentence out of his mouth was that he needs a beer. That doesn't do much to alleviate my fears that he's a drunk frat bro.

Lukily, Ali had a beer in her purse for him! Wtf?
Oh man. I really WANT to be in love with Chris L. I'm just not quite getting there. And clearly Ali feels the exact same way.
So Chris is CLEARLY the cute brother. He definitely got all the looks in the family. In bound his sisters in law, giving him giant hugs. His brothers remain in the background. Ali and Chris bust out the bottle of wine they brought for them from one of the exotic dates... who has time to remember which one? Chris proclaims: "If you get my sisters bombed, they will love you!!" Oh no. Really?!?!?! So that's how it is, Chris? I guess I just need to accept that he is a drunk frat bro and move on with my life. (I just want the Old Chris back!!) Ali mentions how they were in Portugal two days ago. Wow. That is some quick traveling and turnaround time. Do you think Chris L. really got the first hometown date, but they showed Roberto's first? Or was she really in Portugal one day, Robert-o's hometown the next, and Cape Cod the day after?

Chris L's Dad says that "Love is the only reality." That is so cute! I had no idea. The stack of bills on my desk sure feels very real. My cats' litter box smells real. My dirty dishes are REALly in my way. And I can count on none of those things to go away until I take care of them. Can I count on love? I'd say not. Love is just chemicals and shared experiences. I'd venture to say that love is the only thing that is NOT real.
And in case I didn't have my fill of nauseating platitudes, Chris L's Dad then told the story of how he met his mother. Hey! "How I Met Your Mother." Haha, I like that show!

It was a dark and stormy night. Chris L's Mom was nineteen. Chris L's Dad was 21. The Mom walked into a bar, spotted the Dad and said to her girlfriend: "That is the man I am going to marry."

OMG. Are you serious?? Can people PLEASE stop telling this story??!!??!?!?! Seriously. Can we just take it out of the Urban Legend repertoire?? You can NOT just walk into a room, spot a guy and KNOW that you are going to marry him. Wtf??? PLEASE!!! Enough already!!! No one is buying it!!!

From now on, after every first date, I'm going to call my Mom and say "Mom, I went out with the man I'm going to marry last night!" Then I figure one of them will pan out and I'll marry him and at the wedding, my Mom can give a toast about how I called her after our first date and said I met my future husband. ENOUGH!!

This leads the subject to the intangible notion of chemistry. Well that's awkward, because Ali and Chris HAVE NO chemistry.
So Ali wore the Dennis bracelet that Chris gave her recently. The sister grilled her about WHEN exactly Chris gave it to her. I wasn't impressed. With any of it.

The Dad's goal before dying is for all his sons to be happy, married and have a good partner. Hahahahahaaaaaa. Yeah. I know some other parents who share that same goal, Mr. L. And I'm here to tell you that there are dreams that cannot be.... and there are storms we cannot weather.

I did think it was cute how Chris L. is the OLDEST brother and it's his two YOUNGER brothers that are happily married. Hahaha, awe!! That must kind of suck a little harder than being the youngest sibling and the only one who isn't married. I am sure I will soon know the answer to that in a few years, HAHAHAH!!!
Chris goes outside with his homely sisters in law. They sit on the white, wicker furniture and talk about love, the truth and what Ali means to Chris. Meaghan is a smart one -- she smells a rat. She knows Chris is a nice, sweet guy, who deserves a nice sweet girl. She wants to guard and protect his heart. She is worried Ali will only hurt him in the end (she is right, in my opinion). But really - what do his sisters know? They are, like, twelve. So who cares what they think anyway?
Chris then sits on the front porch with his Dad and talks about his Mom. I thought this was sort of an awkward FAIL.... you know, because the cameras were rolling and all.

The whole date just kind of made me sad for Chris actually. Imagine your whole family rallying around you, even though you've made bad life decisions (going on The Bachelorette). And then he's only going to get hurt in the end. And now that she's met his family, it's going to be even worse. I don't know... it's just kind of sad.

Also, I did NOT see any of this alleged sarcasm and hilarity between Chris and his brothers.
Anyway, Ali and Chris then run up some sort of tower, where we learn Chris is evidently a fan of the Twilight series and enjoys biting Ali's neck. So gross!! I threw up in my mouth (again).

It seems like they spent way more time showing Chris L's date than they did on Roberto's.

Verdict: Chris is more into Ali than she is into him.

Onto the Great Midwest.

So last week it was posited that perhaps Kirk is gay. Well, when he first saw Ali and was all "He-ahhh-yy!" Yeah, that sounded uber-gay. Now I'm really seeing it.

Kirk's parents are divorced and Ali is worried that may have affected his outlook on relationships. Wait... I thought his mold poisoning affected his outlook in relationships? Which is it?

Kirk's Dad wastes no time sabotaging his son's chance with The Bachelorette.

Dad: "Would you like to come alone with me down to the basement?"
Ali: "Are you a serial killer? Those are common in small Midwestern towns."
Dad: "No. This is way worse."Down in the basement we are treated to Kirk's Dad's taxidermy hobby/business? Creepy either way. And the creepiest part is that his freezer is full of frozen animal carcasses, along with their frozen snacks, such as popsicles, etc. Wow.Now, Kirk's "adopted" little sister (not sure why he had to specify she was adopted) was seriously cute. Poor little thing. This is what she had to say about Ali going into the basement: "Maybe she will say 'oh cool!'" Aw, so sad. No, she will NOT be like that. She will be like "Wtf." Poor little girl, she was SO cute.
Anyway, Kirk's Dad obviously got off to a bad start with the creepy dead animals, but I actually thought he had some of the more sane comments to make. Most of the Dads/families were like "I know SHE will be happy, hello, look at you, son. I'm worried about what YOU want." But Kirk's Dad was like "Well Ali, make sure YOU are happy." Haha!But I also think that made Ali feel like she got his Dad's blessing to dump Kirk. Which she later did.
Bad nineties chic couch.

Off to his mother's house. There dwell his Mom, Sister and Grandma. Kirk is excited for Ali to meet the women of his life. Nothing notable happened here.
Except that I was reminded he is the one who made a scrapbook for Ali on the first night. Yes, he is gay. I see it now so clearly.
I'm starting to get nervous. My heart is racing and my anxiety level is going up. It's because Frank is in the house!!! Nervousness is contagious.

Hopefully Frank the Neurotic can be a little calmer there on the homefront.

So, there were so many signs that Frank is NOT into her on this date, I'm not even sure I have time to name them all.

She is obviously the most excited to see Frank of anyone. In honesty, she DID say "I'm so excited to see you." But still, I could TELL she was most excited to see Frank.
They go on a boat ride. I'm not even gonna front. I am jealous. I want to go on a boat ride around the city. I wonder if they visited Jillian and Ed while they were there?
His foggy glasses were funny.

I loved how she was like "Frank is in a place in life where he is free to go do anything!" Uhmm..... that's not necessarily a GOOD thing, yo. Do you know who else is free to go do anything because he has no earthly ties? A homeless man.

She is like "Omg, I could be meeting my future in-laws!" And claims this is the first time she realized that. Yeah, she is the most in love with Frank for sure. She is definitely planning on picking him. Too bad they "have to talk" next week.So Frank starts spouting some talk about how he is "nervous" etc. But you could really tell actually that he had negative feelings about something ELSE, but was just pinning it on the game/process/etc. But of course, Ali can't see that and thinks he's just nervous because there are other men around, etc.

Although, she DOES sort of see that something is really wrong, because she goes "I just can't figure you out." AND she actually hit the nail completely on the head with this statement: "I thought Frank was nervous because of the other guys in the picture, but now I'm thinking he's not sure about his relationship with ME." Correct, Ali. Yes, that is it. You love Frank. Frank does not love you. Sucks!
Onto Frank's family. She feels so GOOD and COMFORTABLE being here. When the family mentions that Frank was last, Ali goes without a second of hesitation "I saved the best for last."

So, when they were sitting at the dinner table, talking about why Frank got a hometown date, Frank makes this joke: "It's really out of sympathy and pity that she gave me a hometown date." Such a bad sign, y'all! Instead of expressing a genuine sentiment, he deflects the whole situation with humor.

Re: humor…. I like comedy and a good joke as much as the next guy. More even. Some would even say I am HILARIOUS. But using humor as a way to deflect and detract from real conversations is the MOST ANNOYING trait in the known universe!! I can't stand being around people who are "on." OMG. This is why I had to quit hanging around the Improv crowd.
So what is with Frank's V-neck shirt? And what's with the sweater too? Do you think he got those threads with his employee discount at the Hollister store he manages?

So Ali goes and chats with Frank's Mom. With no hesitation, she says "I would do ANYTHING to be with Frank the right person." The she gets so happy when his Mom says it's like they've been dating for a YEAR and she is over at the house, not just a few days.
Meanwhile, Frankie-boy is talking to HIS family about "yeah… things are great w/ Ali… but I just don't know if it's a great relationship, but not THE relationship that is meant to last forever." BAD SIGN!! He's not worried about the other men. He just knows that he's not that into her.

Ali is trying so hard to justify everything. "I was hoping that his family would see what I see between us and that they would reassure him that it's OK to fall." Oh no!!! Such bad news!!! You don't need your family to alert you that you should be falling in love with someone. It kind of just has to happen. "He's scared. I'm scared." Poor Ali. Now I really do feel bad for her.

ANYWAY…..

Ali really DID seem nervous on all the dates. Maybe because she knows she's not really into any of the guys (except Frank) and she felt bad for dragging their families into it. I was thinking that it WOULD suck to exploit your family like that. Imagine just meeting some nice girl your brother brings home. Everything seems fun and special and like you guys click so well. Then BAM – dumped!! It's an insult to the whole family really.
Wasn't that nice of Chris L. to finally dress appropriately for a Rose Ceremony?
And Ali was protesting very loudly at the rose ceremony that it was NOT because of anyone's family that they were getting dumped. Too loudly. I think Kirk's family DID have something to do with him getting sent home.

Yours in the Single Life,
JulieJulie

PS - If you have been wondering who Ali looks like, but couldn't put your finger on it... don't worry anymore. I have the answer for you: Angie Harmon. I have known this all along, but just now got around to making a split screen for you to enjoy.PPS - We got to see a preview for "Bachelor Pad" last night. It premieres August 9th. I will probably re-cap it, but I'm honestly not convinced it will be as good or irrational as watching 25 singles compete for the same person. We'll see.