The Take Home Message: Don't Play the Victim

So our hero, BW, or "B-dub" wakes up and once again reiterates that he has CHANGED. He is a different man than he was three years ago and he is now READY TO FIND SOMEONE.

For reals.

Back at the Bachelor mansion, Harrison gives us and the gals a refresher course on how this show works. Sometimes there are group dates, sometimes there are two on one dates and sometimes there are one on one dates. While one on one dates are grrreat, the peril is that if you don't get a rose on the date, you must pack your bags and go home IMMEDIATELY.

And OMG.... incoming!!!! Here is the date card.

Melissa, a 32 year old waitress from Florida tells us about how she has been trying to be on The Bachelor for eight years. She quit her job, spent a fortune on her wardrobe [and plastic surgery presumably] all in an effort to win The Bachelor's heart. Good plan! So she REALLY needs a date this week.

Meanwhile Ashley the dentist gets the first one on one date.

Brad pulls up in a Lamborghini or something to pick her up.

Ashley appears in her super ugly dress and the two take off into the night.

He creepily drives her down a dark and deserted road, the kind that serial killers use to serially kill people. They get out of the car and stalk through the dead night to a mysterious switch which he tells her she must pull. When she does, an entire carnival lights up the dark.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! Uhmmm... so was the carnival supposed to be LESS creepy than when we thought they were reenacting a serial killing???? Because personally I found the deserted, false carnival to be way more creepy than the serial killing thing.

Ok, so you know when you were an eleven year old little girl... and you had like a favorite uncle or cool neighbor or sweet godfather or something... and he was really nice and took an active interest in your life... and he was cute... and you sort of had an inappropriate crush on him because you didn't really know many other men and he was really cool.... well yeah, that's what this date reminded me of.

CAN I EVEN GET COTTON CANDY, UNCLE BRAD?? (sorry, I forgot to caption that pic before I switched computers).

Anyway, these two have no chemistry.

So, they start eating dinner and the conversation turns to their dead-beat Dads. Both of their Dads are losers who took no responsibility for their families. So, that is obviously sad for each of them, but I just don't really think it's anything to build a relationship on.I feel like Brad really did make all this effort to change and do all this soul searching. But I think he's too focused on the error of his ways or something. Like, now that he is willing and able to talk about the fact that his dead-beat padre left a scar on him, he gets excited to find a kindred spirit who also went through a similar thing. But that alone really isn't a starting point for a relationship, if you want my opinion. Aside from that, I really don't know what they have in common. And look at this body language!!!

Her hand is all over his leg, and he's totally keeping his limbs to himself.

And if you're still not sure whether they have chemistry or not, I present you Exhibit B. Brad thoroughly wiping his lips off after they kissed.

Thoroughly!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Well, he still gave her the rose, so whatever... BORING!!! I can't wait until there is a one on one date where the girl DOESN'T get the rose.. those are way more interesting.

On to Group Date madness!!! Brad + 15 women = high dramaSo, when I first heard it was for charity, I rolled my eyes, since I'm not really into giving back. Then when I found out it was for the Red Cross, I was even less impressed, since I personally know someone who worked for the organization and did not speak highly of it. Then when I found out it was for donating blood, I was like - ok, whatever, I guess donating blood is nice. And finally when I found out they were doing a PSA, I realized it was just the "acting" date where they're going to be kissing Brad repeatedly and making each other jealous. THEN I was down.

So the basic plot lines here are: It's Michelle's 30th birthday and she is a manipulative, spoiled bitch who GETS what she wants and Melissa is psycho and desperate.

Pictured above is Michelle... desperately concerned with the new wrinkles she's developed now that she is thirty. Well, maybe she should have been using sunscreen and staying out of the sun. Personally, I think she is actually really pretty, even though she has a pretty heinous personality. I think she looks like Elizabeth Hurley, who is also extremely pretty.

And this is Melissa. She gets to play the cougar in the commercial.... because she is the oldest one there. So she is 32 and Brad is 38, yet somehow SHE is the cougar... hmmm.... someone help me with that math!! That's a graph my brain can't make!

So, not too much to note on the group date. One thing, is that I REALLY felt sorry for Keltie. That really did suck that she had to dress up like the bulldyke!

I mean, what are you supposed to do in that situation?? You go around looking like that, compared to all the other feminine looking women and that's an image that's seared into BW's mind. There's really no coming back from something like that. So I felt her pain. I also would have felt like crying if I had to dress like that. Poor kid.... she never saw it coming.

Look how pretty Emily is.

All right, so they all do their scenes... blah blah blah

Melissa kiss-rapes Brad during his scene w/ Emily and some other chick.Brad dons vampire fangs and attacks two girls that just wanted to have an innocent threesome.Madison dominatrix-es Brad over lunch. And so on and so forth....

After the date, the ladies follow Brad like little ducklings across the street to the after party.Now the drama can begin continue. All right so obviously Michelle is insane and hideous (personality-wise). BUT... what I find the most interesting is that Brad is INTO it!!!I am serious!!!!! I didn't realize it at first. I couldn't tell when she went off sulking during the shoot. But when she stole him away at the after party to pout and generally be weird, I caught the look on Brad's face. He had this smile coming from within him, that he could not help, when she was talking about peeling away the layers and walls of his onion. I kind of saw this flash back to the old Brad. Like I could see how he was in his days of being a bar-owning playa. Meeting some crazy girl that is no good, but not being able to help himself. What is it with men being into crazy girls?? I don't know, but it's a THING, for real.Basically, I think he needs to somehow reconcile these two parts of himself, rather than trying to ban one over the other. Like I was saying above, I think he's so fixated on being CHANGED and DIFFERENT, that he's maybe losing a little something primal in himself. He doesn't need to be with some girl JUST because she also had a jerk of a Dad and can talk about it. I kind of think he's going TOO much with his head at this point and not really sensing where there is chemistry and where there isn't.

And the peril in doing this I think is that he is then more vulnerable to the temptation of the psycho known as Michelle. If he could somehow focus on having both chemistry and compatibility, then he'd be looking more in the right direction.

But really... what the hell do I know???????? He gives BSC Michelle the rose.

Anyway... what else. Melissa is straight-up crazy... not much of interest to note there. It's too bad, because she is the oldest one there... 32. So she's not giving us 32 year old women a good name. And really, how can I blame Brad for sending that kind of crazy home? Now he's going to be stuck with a bunch of babies.

This is Keltie eavesdropping on Melissa's creepy one on one time with Brad.

At some point during the episode, the producers of the Bachelor made sure to get Emily on tape calling her little daughter back home.I think after all the single moms being on the show and complaining that the producers manipulated them and wouldn't let them talk to their kid, they wanted to strike back and show the hot single mom talking to her little baby, free and clear.

Now, I agree with Grace that it is pretty shady not to mention straight up that you have a kid. That is some pretty important information that someone should know about you. On the other hand, I kind of actually do see where she is coming from, especially considering that her fiance is dead, etc. There was a clip where she was like "Men shut down and get intimidated when they hear her whole history." I can see that.

For example, if I am Online dating, and I see someone has a kid, I am like DELETE. WHY bother wasting my time getting into that. BUT... if I happened to meet someone in real life and got to know them first and liked him on his own, he might be able to worm his way into my heart, irregardless of having a kid or not. So I kind of see her point. Most of all, I just think she is really pretty.

So. The final one on one date is with Jackie.

OMG, my eyes popped out of my head when he said "This is going to be her very own 'Pretty Woman' experience." WHAT?? So he's going to pay her for sex???? HAHAHAHA!!! Usually women get pissed when you call them a whore.

Anyway, I don't like Jackie, sorry. She seems like a huge super dork/nerd to me, and I think you all know how I feel about dorks and nerds... NOT into it.

There is no chemistry between her and Brad either. And also -- seriously he was that shocked when she said she didn't date during college?? And she'd only had TWO boyfriends in her life? A- she is only 27, so two boyfriends really isn't that shocking. And 2 - look at her. She is a huge nerd, so it's not a surprise she chose to prioritize her studies over relationships in school... and I think you REALLY know how I feel about losers who do that. So I pretty thoroughly dislike her. And there was also a part in the cocktail party when Raichel and Melissa were fighting and Raich turned to Jackie like, I need to just talk to you guys right now. And Jackie was all "Uhh... I really don't want to get involved" in a very pompous, yet scared and sanctimonious and like "I can't really handle myself socially" kind of way. So yeah, I got no love for her, sorry.

And neither does Brad. Their body language when they were dancing was that she was holding him all close and he was keeping her at an arm's length.

Ok, so cocktail party. I thought it was really quaint how Brad thought he was walking into a room of friends. If he really thinks that, I don't think he knows much about women.

So Melissa and Raichel are at each others' throats and the violence escalates to the point that Womack steps in to hear their grievances.Uhmmmm yeah. Never a good idea to take your cat fight problems to a man you are trying to pursue. I felt bad for Raichel in this, because she didn't seem genuinely crazy like Melissa did. But on the other hand, she must have something in her to get that far into it with a crazy person.

Michelle stole Brad away for more one on one time to talk about important things -- Starbucks or Coffee Bean. Fortunately Brad said *$s. I also prefer the Bux. The reason is because I like soy lattes. And I like soy because it's sweeter than regular milk. So Starbux uses vanilla soy milk, so you get a little bit of sweet flavor, but not full on vanilla syrup flavor, which is too much sugar for me. So really it's the best. And again, Brad was into this ridiculous line of questioning.I think he likes her because she is confident and crazy. She does have an older vibe to her, compared to some of the twenty-five year olds. I think he sees her more on his player-level.The other time I saw that genuine smile on his face was when he was sitting with Emily. I think he has that same spark for her. And she seems WAY nicer and more normal and down to earth than Michelle, so he should definitely pick her.Ali and Roberto showed up for some reason and spouted some crap that ensued in him giving a rose to Emily, so that worked for me.

LADIES, BRAD, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT (sorry, didn't get to caption that one either).

Melissa, Keltie and Raichel go home.

Yeah, poor Melissa. She is the kind of person I feel pretty bad for, for ending up on these shows. She looked pretty maniacal when she walked out of the mansion... hopefully she'll be ok.

Don't worry Keltie... you seem cute and sweet, you should be able to find someone. You can't help it that they forced you to wear that ugly ass costume. It's really not your fault.Raichel apparently meets a lot of men in her work, so she'll also be ok.

Maybe they will all find someone more age appropriate anyway.

And here's the final breakdown:

Yours in the Single Life,
JulieJulie