The Take Home Message: I do NOT Want to Go to Iceland!!!

So the first order of business is a poetry slam.

To make the men feel and look stupid, they are forced to write a poem for Ali expressing their deep, inner feelings about her. And they have to incorporate an Icelandic word. So they went around town trying to get the locals to share a few words with them. All the locals were avoiding Justin like the plague. So I guess they could tell what a creepy player he was.

Frank really thought that he was going to knock this one out of the park because he "is" a "writer." However, I don't remember what his poem said at all. I just know that he copied Kirk's move and approached the judge - Ali.... unless they edited it to make it seem like Kirk went first. I liked how Harrison was laughing in the background at Frank's poem that went on and on and on. Hare seemed like he was having a really good time.

So Ali let Kirk win this little contest because he came up to her during his poem. And she was like "I thought you guys would have learned by example when Roberto won the singing contest by coming up to me." BAD ASSUMPTION, Ali. Men do NOT get ANY hints. Anything you want them to know, you must explicitly tell them. Also, I think it's kind of cheesy to just copy someone's move to try to win the next contest. So I would not have copied some other guy's move either. Whatever.

Also, I liked Craig R.'s poem the best.

Obviously Frank was mad that Kirk won.... since he "is" a writer, this is obviously a blow to his ego that he can't even win this contest.

So Kirk gets the one on one date since he won the Poetry Slam Challenge (PSC). And they go shopping for matching sweaters. Those sweaters were wrong on many levels... Even if only one person was wearing it, it would still be wrong, because it was really ugly. All the sweaters in that store were fug-o. And despite recognizing the multi-layered wrongness of the matching sweaters, I still found them hilarious. Note to anyone out there interested in dating me: we should totally wear matching outfits. HA HA HA!!! I would totally go out in public like that and think it was hilarious. Yet no one observing it would think the same.... thus just making it awkward all around. And I find awkward situations pretty amusing.

So then they set it all up that Kirk is "hiding" something and Ali just wishes he would only open up more and then she could comfortably give him this rose tonight! Finally it is revealed that his deep, dark secret is that he once had mold poisoning.

All right y'all.... I am not one to go around calling people liars... but this "mold poisoning" story sounds HIGHLY suspicious to me. SERIOUSLY. So he gets sick.. and went to FORTY (40) doctors??? And NONE of them could diagnosis it?? Suspicious Data Point (SDP) number one. He claims he went to doctors on the east coast at the Mayo clinic and to doctors in San Francisco... SDP number two. Seriously FORTY doctors could not diagnose some simple mold poisoning?? It's not like he had a rare form of cancer or anything. Also, you really want me to believe you have been flying around the country to doctors? What?? What insurance would cover that? Highly suspicious. Then he's saying it turns out the house he was living in was condemned... SDP number three. If it was so condemned, how was it so easy to rent it?? But I love how his mom found this out... that the house was a condemned sh*t hole. What would we do without Moms?? SERIOUSLY!!! So furthermore, he goes on to say he was on the brink of death... paralyzed on one side of his body. Lost his short term memory.... uhhh ok. So first of all... wouldn't he have noticed that when he left the house, he started to get better?? He left to go visit forty doctors all over the country... he must have been gone for a few days. And also if he was on the brink of death, wouldn't he have at least gone home or something?? SDP number three: he only gets healed when he and his mom start looking into alternative healing. Whatever, I don’t get it. Something doesn't add up. Maybe I'm missing the logistics or something... but all I'm saying is that this story sounded HIGHLY suspicious to me. And it made me question Kirk and I'm not sure if I like him or not. But I do think Ali likes him and is into him and has chemistry with him. I was thinking he maybe seemed nice, though not my type, until he busted out this toxic mold fable.

And OF COURSE the whole moral of this story is "ohhhh relationships matter the most." PLEASE. I think the Take Home Message here is: be careful where you live. I also feel like I saw that half smirk that people get when they are lying on his face.

All right... so Kasey and Rated R get the two-on-one date. How convenient. So, here is my opinion about two on one dates. I think that you either choose two people that you equally do NOT care about and thus don't REALLY care in the end which one you have to send home. OR you choose two people where one is the CLEAR winner and so you really aren't losing anything you weren't already prepared to lose. I think in this case, Ali doesn't really like either of these guys that much. They are both weirdos.

It was really creepy the way Justin was being some sort of strategy king about the whole thing and how he wanted to get inside Kasey's head and freak him out. It was also wrong how he threw his crutches in the trash can!!! There are other sick people in the world who could have used them, Justin!!

I also don't get Kasey. He kept going ON about that tat of his. I just don’t know what to make of him really. I don’t get why he did all this. Did he really think this was a good idea? Did the producers make him do it? I don’t know. He seems like a genuine person to me. Genuinely odd. I liked how Ali was like "all Kasey needs to do tonight is be normal." That's a tall order, Ali!!! I think at best, he's very misguided.

More than anything, every time I look at Kasey, I just have overwhelming thoughts of "high school drama club." I just have visions of him hanging out in some crappy gymnasium/theater, with thick blue curtains, a musty backstage, lots of other theater geeks and linoleum hallways of angst (or LHA).

Now that I think of it, maybe this whole thing IS a big act. If he is in fact trying to be a theatrical actor and this whole thing is some big act, he does need to practice his diction, because he mumbles BADLY and I (along with the subtitlers at ABC) cannot understand a lot of what he says.

Anyway, that was a really SMART idea to have Justin trek across glacial ice shortly after getting his cast cut off.

So Ali was NOT really feeling this rose ceremony and wasn't interested in giving either of them the rose. She gave it to Justin by default, but you could tell she was actually more concerned about Kasey's feelings. I think there comes a time in every Bachelor/ette where the Picker realizes that someone is actually too into them and so they cut them loose for their own good, thus keeping around some loser in their place. And it looks bad, but really they are just doing it for the sake of the obsessed person (OP).

I love how they left him stranded on the glacier and he was such a good sport that he waved good bye to them.

On to the Group Date (GD) from HELL!!!! OMG!!! That date looked awful! EW!!! GROSS!!! Omg, I would HATE that date... dressing up in Ice-Wear, hauling my cookies all over the Ice Mountain, rappelling down into an Ice Cave, yuck. Nothing about it sounds good.... riding those tiny horses. Almost as bad as when the girls had to go camping with Pavelka. God, it just looked so FREEZING, WET and GROSS. I guess the only thing that would have been okay was the hot lagoon. Iceland did NOT look fun, I do NOT want to go to that place!

I liked Ty during the GD. I was feeling his whole southern gentleman act. I am from the South and so I appreciate a nice southern gentleman. Also, is it me? He looks like he is tall and hot. But what do I know?

One thing I have not yet mentioned on this blog is how the Bachelor/ette LOVES to botch metaphors. There have been a few this season, but I haven't mentioned them. There actually have not been as many this season as there were in past seasons. Well Ty gave us a good one this week. He said that he is not going to count his chickens too soon. Ty, it's ok to count them once they are chickens. Just don't count them while they are still EGGS. That's how the saying goes. You're welcome.

Frank!! So first off -- HOW does he keep getting back to the Bachelor Mansion.... which I thought he left FOREVER... to talk to the camera?? I duly noted the exact words he said in the Bachelor Mansion this week:

"I like writing love poems" and

"Kasey's ??? go on a two on one with that guy."

I think he might have said NEEDS TO GO, but they were trying to pass it off as HAS TO GO. I don’t know. I guess these are old sound bites that they are editing in. And they are BUSTED. There was also another intimate chat with the camera he had, where it totally looked like he got a haircut.

I still don't like Frank. I liked how Ali was like "you never come up to me at group dates." Yeah. Because he has a teeny, fragile ego. I am not surprised that he is the kind of guy that is not secure enough to approach a woman. As I said last week, he needs some girl that is around to do nothing but boost his ego. Neurotic, jealous. Over it.

So, you know that feeling you get when you first start dating a guy? You are all excited, because he is so NICE and just so CUTE and sweet and loves his Mom and has nice friends and a good job. Then, a few dates in, he says something and then you get this really negative feeling in the pit of your stomach and you are like "ohhhh no." But then you stuff the feeling down and try to smother it out and say it ain't so. You tell yourself that everyone has doubts about the people they are dating. No one is SURE anyone is right for them, are they? This guy HAS to be the right guy... after all I've been through!!!! Yeah. Well that’s how I’m feeling about Chris L. right now.

And so is Ali. That was a REALLY bad sign for him when Ali said she wasn't sure if there was a romantic connection yet. It's been long enough. She should know. She knows with Kirk, Roberto, etc.

I do think Chris L. is sweet and genuine... I'm just not sure how smart he is. To date, I'm not sure I've ever heard him really make any clever or witty comments. I don't know... maybe they are editing them out? And then there's still the whole issue of the flip cup thing in Vegas. He really might just be a frat bro... he sort of seems sweet and shy, but then I don't know.. he sometimes just seems like a dumb guy.

Cocktail Hour!!

Craig R. is my favorite. I just think he is really funny and that he's not taking everything too seriously. I liked how he snuck in that he had to speak in front of fifty thousand people at his law school graduation. Is that his way of telling us that he was valedictorian? Because if so, I like him better. I also thought the fake wrist tattoo was pretty funny... though if he was a true comedian, he might have been able to hone the joke and make it a bit better. Craig R., you are too young for me... but call me if this doesn't work out for you. I will definitely might still be single.

I also thought it was funny when she told Roberto she wouldn't have approached him IRL, bc he is too hot. And he was like all shocked -- you wouldn't come up to me??!!?? Roberto, NO!!! You are the man!! YOU have to go up to the woman!!! Sorry!! Call me a sexist!

So basically only ONE person went home this week - Kasey, because I don’t know WHO in the hell that other guy was that didn't get a rose and was apparently only capable of making one facial expression.

Yours in the single life,

Julie Julie

PS - Ali really seemed in her element in the previews for next week when she was yelling at the guys.

PPS - Shockingly, Jake and Vienna broke up.