The Take Home Message: Family Is Everything

This week, Ali goes to the hometowns of her four remaining suitors. So let's get to it.

First up: ROBERTO
Ali jumps on him and wraps her legs around him like a little love monkey. Can we stop with this move please? It became mandatory for all Bachelorettes to greet Bachelors by jumping on them and wrapping their legs around them a couple seasons ago. And it's really gross and inappropriate... and just... STOP!!!
Overall, I think Ali is kind of getting over Roberto and is not as into him as she was at first. It was funny in the stadium when they had to blur out ALL the ads lining the fences. HAHAHA!!! It's so pretentious the way they blur every single WORD out on this show.... t-shirts, billboards, etc. Like anyone is really intrigued by the Coke ad plastered in a baseball stadium. Whatever.
Roberto and Ali take the leg wrap move to another level and proceed to run around all the bases with Ali wrapped around him like a monkey.
Anyway, Ali says that she feels like a proud "wife" watching Robert-o in his baseball uniform. Uhm..... let's not get ahead of ourselves, Al! She also says that a baseball uniform is the "sexist thing a guy can wear." Really?? I don't know about that. I think most people would say maybe a fireman's uniform or police uniform.... maybe even a football uniform because of the tight pants. I wasn't aware baseball uniforms were considered sexy. But then again... I'm not into sports, so what do I know?
Robert-o continues to bore me to tears. I really am not sure what she sees in this dude. He's hot? Giving her a baseball card OF HIMSELF was pretty arrogant, in my opinion. But she seemed to LOVE it, so I guess it's all good.

He describes his family by saying that his Mom is really passive. Uhmm.... ominous foreshadowing, in my opinion.
Moving on to Roberto's family. His Mom, Dad and sister are there. His parents really racked their brains to come up with creative names for their kids. Roberto is named after his dad, Roberto Senior. And his sister is named after his Mom. Way to think outside the bun, guys. I'm sure THAT was never confusing around the house when people called.
So I forgot about Roberto getting the first impression rose until his family reminded me. And I also either forgot about or never heard this line he apparently told her: "Whenever you are nervous, just look right into my eyes, right here, and don't be nervous." If someone ever said that to me, I would definitely puke in my mouth.

If Roberto said that and also danced in the streets with her... I dunno... I'm going to label him as a player. He does seem pretty mellow and mild-mannered though. So maybe he's not a malicious woman-hater (like Rated R), maybe he just gets a ton of women for being so "good-looking."
I liked the part where Roberto's Dad took Ali aside and grilled her about her life goals. The best part was when the ominous music started playing softly in the background as Ali told him about her career oriented goals: owning a business, being successful, etc. The machismo Dad then got nervous that maybe Roberto wouldn't be able to achieve all HIS goals and do what HE wanted to do (btw – what in the hell is his alleged career?? I'm not remembering what I saw in his lower thirds… and any guy willing to take several months off to go be on The Bachelorette clearly isn't very career minded anyway, so I you're all set there, Robert-o Sr.).

Anyway, I love how Ali did NOT succumb to the pressure and back-pedal and say "Oh, did I say I want a career? I meant that I want to just fulfill Roberto's every want and need." Instead she was like "Well, for me to make Roberto happy, I need to be happy. So I want to be fulfilled and we can work together as a family." Haha, nice!!

However, this union will never work out if they get together. She sent Ty home because of his penchant for traditional gender roles. Well I think she should have sent Roberto home on that same bus. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Onto some family salsa dancing. Roberto's Mom looks REALLY young. Like awkwardly young. I'm thinking plastic surgery? She is pretty though, I will give her that.

Verdict: Ali is more into Roberto than he is into her. He thinks he could just get any woman.
CAPE COD!!!!

Chris L. is excited to mix two things he loves:
1. His family
2. Cape Cod
3. Ali

Meanwhile, Ali "thinks" that she and Chris moved beyond "friends" in Portugal. I'm going to call this thought erroneous. I think that one would KNOW if one had moved beyond friendship. Chris L. is soooo doomed. There is NOTHING between them and it was abundantly clear to me as I watched the stroll along the beach.
Walk on the beach FAIL: bringing up whale sex. Wtf?

Anyway, Ali is really just not that into Chris. I think she's kept him around this long because he is a nice guy, he's cute and he's from Massachusetts (that's a hard state to spell, btw... I had to look it up). I think Chris is -- as they say in Bachelorland -- not opening up. This relationship is going nowhere fast.
So Chris L. lives at home too, just like Frank.
Wow, he really DOES look like his Mom.

That whole little pretend house, sitting on the porch thing didn't really work for me. Number one - that is his DAD'S house, not his. So I really hope he isn't planning to live there "when" he marries Ali. And B, when he said his boss was hard on him -- did he mean his Dad yelled at him after he mowed the lawn? And finally the next sentence out of his mouth was that he needs a beer. That doesn't do much to alleviate my fears that he's a drunk frat bro.

Lukily, Ali had a beer in her purse for him! Wtf?
Oh man. I really WANT to be in love with Chris L. I'm just not quite getting there. And clearly Ali feels the exact same way.
So Chris is CLEARLY the cute brother. He definitely got all the looks in the family. In bound his sisters in law, giving him giant hugs. His brothers remain in the background. Ali and Chris bust out the bottle of wine they brought for them from one of the exotic dates... who has time to remember which one? Chris proclaims: "If you get my sisters bombed, they will love you!!" Oh no. Really?!?!?! So that's how it is, Chris? I guess I just need to accept that he is a drunk frat bro and move on with my life. (I just want the Old Chris back!!) Ali mentions how they were in Portugal two days ago. Wow. That is some quick traveling and turnaround time. Do you think Chris L. really got the first hometown date, but they showed Roberto's first? Or was she really in Portugal one day, Robert-o's hometown the next, and Cape Cod the day after?

Chris L's Dad says that "Love is the only reality." That is so cute! I had no idea. The stack of bills on my desk sure feels very real. My cats' litter box smells real. My dirty dishes are REALly in my way. And I can count on none of those things to go away until I take care of them. Can I count on love? I'd say not. Love is just chemicals and shared experiences. I'd venture to say that love is the only thing that is NOT real.
And in case I didn't have my fill of nauseating platitudes, Chris L's Dad then told the story of how he met his mother. Hey! "How I Met Your Mother." Haha, I like that show!

It was a dark and stormy night. Chris L's Mom was nineteen. Chris L's Dad was 21. The Mom walked into a bar, spotted the Dad and said to her girlfriend: "That is the man I am going to marry."

OMG. Are you serious?? Can people PLEASE stop telling this story??!!??!?!?! Seriously. Can we just take it out of the Urban Legend repertoire?? You can NOT just walk into a room, spot a guy and KNOW that you are going to marry him. Wtf??? PLEASE!!! Enough already!!! No one is buying it!!!

From now on, after every first date, I'm going to call my Mom and say "Mom, I went out with the man I'm going to marry last night!" Then I figure one of them will pan out and I'll marry him and at the wedding, my Mom can give a toast about how I called her after our first date and said I met my future husband. ENOUGH!!

This leads the subject to the intangible notion of chemistry. Well that's awkward, because Ali and Chris HAVE NO chemistry.
So Ali wore the Dennis bracelet that Chris gave her recently. The sister grilled her about WHEN exactly Chris gave it to her. I wasn't impressed. With any of it.

The Dad's goal before dying is for all his sons to be happy, married and have a good partner. Hahahahahaaaaaa. Yeah. I know some other parents who share that same goal, Mr. L. And I'm here to tell you that there are dreams that cannot be.... and there are storms we cannot weather.

I did think it was cute how Chris L. is the OLDEST brother and it's his two YOUNGER brothers that are happily married. Hahaha, awe!! That must kind of suck a little harder than being the youngest sibling and the only one who isn't married. I am sure I will soon know the answer to that in a few years, HAHAHAH!!!
Chris goes outside with his homely sisters in law. They sit on the white, wicker furniture and talk about love, the truth and what Ali means to Chris. Meaghan is a smart one -- she smells a rat. She knows Chris is a nice, sweet guy, who deserves a nice sweet girl. She wants to guard and protect his heart. She is worried Ali will only hurt him in the end (she is right, in my opinion). But really - what do his sisters know? They are, like, twelve. So who cares what they think anyway?
Chris then sits on the front porch with his Dad and talks about his Mom. I thought this was sort of an awkward FAIL.... you know, because the cameras were rolling and all.

The whole date just kind of made me sad for Chris actually. Imagine your whole family rallying around you, even though you've made bad life decisions (going on The Bachelorette). And then he's only going to get hurt in the end. And now that she's met his family, it's going to be even worse. I don't know... it's just kind of sad.

Also, I did NOT see any of this alleged sarcasm and hilarity between Chris and his brothers.
Anyway, Ali and Chris then run up some sort of tower, where we learn Chris is evidently a fan of the Twilight series and enjoys biting Ali's neck. So gross!! I threw up in my mouth (again).

It seems like they spent way more time showing Chris L's date than they did on Roberto's.

Verdict: Chris is more into Ali than she is into him.

Onto the Great Midwest.

So last week it was posited that perhaps Kirk is gay. Well, when he first saw Ali and was all "He-ahhh-yy!" Yeah, that sounded uber-gay. Now I'm really seeing it.

Kirk's parents are divorced and Ali is worried that may have affected his outlook on relationships. Wait... I thought his mold poisoning affected his outlook in relationships? Which is it?

Kirk's Dad wastes no time sabotaging his son's chance with The Bachelorette.

Dad: "Would you like to come alone with me down to the basement?"
Ali: "Are you a serial killer? Those are common in small Midwestern towns."
Dad: "No. This is way worse."Down in the basement we are treated to Kirk's Dad's taxidermy hobby/business? Creepy either way. And the creepiest part is that his freezer is full of frozen animal carcasses, along with their frozen snacks, such as popsicles, etc. Wow.Now, Kirk's "adopted" little sister (not sure why he had to specify she was adopted) was seriously cute. Poor little thing. This is what she had to say about Ali going into the basement: "Maybe she will say 'oh cool!'" Aw, so sad. No, she will NOT be like that. She will be like "Wtf." Poor little girl, she was SO cute.
Anyway, Kirk's Dad obviously got off to a bad start with the creepy dead animals, but I actually thought he had some of the more sane comments to make. Most of the Dads/families were like "I know SHE will be happy, hello, look at you, son. I'm worried about what YOU want." But Kirk's Dad was like "Well Ali, make sure YOU are happy." Haha!But I also think that made Ali feel like she got his Dad's blessing to dump Kirk. Which she later did.
Bad nineties chic couch.

Off to his mother's house. There dwell his Mom, Sister and Grandma. Kirk is excited for Ali to meet the women of his life. Nothing notable happened here.
Except that I was reminded he is the one who made a scrapbook for Ali on the first night. Yes, he is gay. I see it now so clearly.
I'm starting to get nervous. My heart is racing and my anxiety level is going up. It's because Frank is in the house!!! Nervousness is contagious.

Hopefully Frank the Neurotic can be a little calmer there on the homefront.

So, there were so many signs that Frank is NOT into her on this date, I'm not even sure I have time to name them all.

She is obviously the most excited to see Frank of anyone. In honesty, she DID say "I'm so excited to see you." But still, I could TELL she was most excited to see Frank.
They go on a boat ride. I'm not even gonna front. I am jealous. I want to go on a boat ride around the city. I wonder if they visited Jillian and Ed while they were there?
His foggy glasses were funny.

I loved how she was like "Frank is in a place in life where he is free to go do anything!" Uhmm..... that's not necessarily a GOOD thing, yo. Do you know who else is free to go do anything because he has no earthly ties? A homeless man.

She is like "Omg, I could be meeting my future in-laws!" And claims this is the first time she realized that. Yeah, she is the most in love with Frank for sure. She is definitely planning on picking him. Too bad they "have to talk" next week.So Frank starts spouting some talk about how he is "nervous" etc. But you could really tell actually that he had negative feelings about something ELSE, but was just pinning it on the game/process/etc. But of course, Ali can't see that and thinks he's just nervous because there are other men around, etc.

Although, she DOES sort of see that something is really wrong, because she goes "I just can't figure you out." AND she actually hit the nail completely on the head with this statement: "I thought Frank was nervous because of the other guys in the picture, but now I'm thinking he's not sure about his relationship with ME." Correct, Ali. Yes, that is it. You love Frank. Frank does not love you. Sucks!
Onto Frank's family. She feels so GOOD and COMFORTABLE being here. When the family mentions that Frank was last, Ali goes without a second of hesitation "I saved the best for last."

So, when they were sitting at the dinner table, talking about why Frank got a hometown date, Frank makes this joke: "It's really out of sympathy and pity that she gave me a hometown date." Such a bad sign, y'all! Instead of expressing a genuine sentiment, he deflects the whole situation with humor.

Re: humor…. I like comedy and a good joke as much as the next guy. More even. Some would even say I am HILARIOUS. But using humor as a way to deflect and detract from real conversations is the MOST ANNOYING trait in the known universe!! I can't stand being around people who are "on." OMG. This is why I had to quit hanging around the Improv crowd.
So what is with Frank's V-neck shirt? And what's with the sweater too? Do you think he got those threads with his employee discount at the Hollister store he manages?

So Ali goes and chats with Frank's Mom. With no hesitation, she says "I would do ANYTHING to be with Frank the right person." The she gets so happy when his Mom says it's like they've been dating for a YEAR and she is over at the house, not just a few days.
Meanwhile, Frankie-boy is talking to HIS family about "yeah… things are great w/ Ali… but I just don't know if it's a great relationship, but not THE relationship that is meant to last forever." BAD SIGN!! He's not worried about the other men. He just knows that he's not that into her.

Ali is trying so hard to justify everything. "I was hoping that his family would see what I see between us and that they would reassure him that it's OK to fall." Oh no!!! Such bad news!!! You don't need your family to alert you that you should be falling in love with someone. It kind of just has to happen. "He's scared. I'm scared." Poor Ali. Now I really do feel bad for her.

ANYWAY…..

Ali really DID seem nervous on all the dates. Maybe because she knows she's not really into any of the guys (except Frank) and she felt bad for dragging their families into it. I was thinking that it WOULD suck to exploit your family like that. Imagine just meeting some nice girl your brother brings home. Everything seems fun and special and like you guys click so well. Then BAM – dumped!! It's an insult to the whole family really.
Wasn't that nice of Chris L. to finally dress appropriately for a Rose Ceremony?
And Ali was protesting very loudly at the rose ceremony that it was NOT because of anyone's family that they were getting dumped. Too loudly. I think Kirk's family DID have something to do with him getting sent home.

Yours in the Single Life,
JulieJulie

PS - If you have been wondering who Ali looks like, but couldn't put your finger on it... don't worry anymore. I have the answer for you: Angie Harmon. I have known this all along, but just now got around to making a split screen for you to enjoy.PPS - We got to see a preview for "Bachelor Pad" last night. It premieres August 9th. I will probably re-cap it, but I'm honestly not convinced it will be as good or irrational as watching 25 singles compete for the same person. We'll see.

The Take Home Message: Chemistry Beats Compatibility

First off, I was disappointed that I had to watch the entire Bachelorette episode first before I got to see Jake and Vienna square off. And after watching the entire thing, I really think they should have aired Jake and Vienna first. That showdown was a real buzz kill and therefore the show really ended on a negative note. Thanks for harshing my mellow, ABC. I would rather have watched Vienna's meltdown first, then be uplifted by Ali, who is still allegedly looking for love.

But whatever.

Off our Bachelors + Ali + Chris Harrison jet to Portugal.
The date card arrived in the hotel suite and I liked Frank for one second. The card said "Come be the king of my castle." So Frank was like "What if she throws you in the dungeon?" And Roberto was like "Kings don't spend time in the dungeon." Then Frank is like "That's true. Damnit!" But in a cute way. Like, you know the producers are just sitting around making them shoot the breeze and make up lame comments about the stupid date card. And it was like Frank was just being a good sport and going along with it. So I liked him for a split second for the first time all season.

I think Roberto is the blah-est person on the face of the planet. I am even more bored by his existence than I was by that other guy who never spoke or made any facial expressions. If Roberto actually has any interesting aspects about him, they sure as hell aren't showing them to us.

So, Roberto gets the first one on one date. They walk around the city.
So, am I just like a really impatient bitch or something?? Because I found the fact that Roberto couldn't get a shot of her jumping in the air to be really annoying, when she got a shot of him kicking on the first [shown] try. I guess I find ineptitude tiring... particularly in a dating situation.
I felt really bad for the stoic security guard whose ear she whispered into and with whom she struck a pose. How obnoxious and unoriginal! I'm not particularly a huge fan of Ali's, but the one thing I do like about her is that I don't think she's really boy crazy. But acting like a jerk with that security guard was just a Stupid Girl thing to do.
Obviously I threw up in my mouth when they spontaneously danced in the street. Furthermore, if some guy pulled some cheesy move like that on me, I'd be highly suspicious. So, I can't tell if Roberto genuinely "can't help but to dance when he hears music" [that was added in post-production] or if this is some kind of move. He seems like a genuine guy I guess. Genuinely boring. I don’t know... the other guys seem to like him, so that's a good sign. He mostly just puts me to sleep.
I actually agreed with Ali's comment that "life isn't a fairytale, but love can be." Uhmm... yeah, exactly. Falling in love DOES feel like a fairytale. But life ISN'T. That's why you should be CAREFUL who you "fall in love" with and who you let into your life. "Love" feels like a fairytale, but nature designed it that way to trick you into reproducing. So proceed with extreme caution when "falling in love."
Also, I realized when she handed him a cracker with a pepperoni on it and said "this is the only food I will ever make" that it actually did NOT make her look cute. It was pretty un-cute and annoying. Which made me realize I probably need to take cooking classes myself and learn how to cook if I want tons of guys to marry me (see my other blog if you didn't get the reference.)
Other than that, wow, this dude is coma-inducing..... and possibly full of the brown stuff?? He's got a couple too many cheesy comments and moves for my taste. She seems to be in love with him though, I guess. What the hell do I know?

Up next: the two on one date with Ty and Frank.
So, I'm kind of attracted to Ty, despite his penchant for traditional gender roles. I think it's because of his broad shoulders. Obviously that weird embellishment on his shirt is heinous. But look how broad his shoulders are compared to Frank's. I like that. However, I do also have a creepy Good Old Boy vibe from him. Like, was his Daddy in the Klan or anything? I don’t know... something about him just makes me picture old white guys sitting around in wood paneled rooms being elected for public office and oppressing women and minorities. But hey, maybe that's just me?!
Well he dug his own grave anyway with Ali with all that talk about how precious it was for her to have goals in life.

So she's down to only five guys -- do they usually do two on one dates this late in the game? I don’t think so. I think we've seen five HOMETOWN dates in the past. Not sure why they are forcing a two on one this late in the game, where no one has to go home. But yeah... by this point, a two on one is extremely awkward as they all noted.

So Frank pulls her aside to drop his bomb shell of a secret on her. Is he divorced? Does he have a kid or two running around somewhere? Oh no, this news is FAR WORSE. "One thing I have to tell Ali tonight is that I live with my parents." HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's one of the best lines I've ever heard in Bachelor history. And I love how he tries to spin his bunking with his parents into a "family is the most important thing to me."

Oh man, that is some BAD NEWS that I do NOT want to hear from a guy I'm dating. Hey Frank, just because you moved out at eighteen does not make it okay for you to move back in at thirty-one. In fact, why would you even think that??? What the hell does that prove? Who cares what age you moved OUT at? Moving back IN at thirty-one is NOT COOL. Just because you leave home at fourteen doesn't mean you put some years away in a bank and you can cash in on them later with interest by moving home when you are forty. Your parents should be moving in with YOU, not the other way around.

Now obviously, I am knocking on wood hard core that I don’t lose my job and all my money and have to move back in with Marty and Joeline. However, Frank QUIT his job and moved to Paris to write screenplays. So he kind of had it coming.

Anyway, Ali seemed really un-fazed by his little revelation. In fact, you could tell she was nervous and biting her lip and scared about what plot twist was about to be revealed to her. When it turned out it was just the fact that he lived in his Mom's basement, she felt really relieved and hugged and kissed him. Frank was also relieved that Ali didn't care he lived at home.
I found that weird. I thought Ali was all about working and having a career. So I'm not sure what she sees in Frank... much less why she doesn't care he's freeloading off his parents. I would be VERY turned off by a man who's crashing on the homefront. But I think Ali is actually kind of in love with Frank and has some kind of chemistry with him. Whatever -- good luck with that, y'all, since apparently Frank is going to tell her "We need to talk" "later this season."

As I have stated previously, I guess I just think Frank is high-strung, neurotic and insecure. He kind of depresses me.... as do most people with no career prospects.

Incoming: Kirk.

Ali and Kirk have a one on one date, walking around the city and going in a horse carriage. He pronounces her name "Ellie." I guess this is because he is from Wis-can-sin.
So Ali confesses that this date isn't going as well as she hoped either. She just said the same thing about her two on one date and she's going to basically say it again during her date with Chris L. Here is my personal interpretation: I think she's getting depressed and stressed out at this point because she is realizing that she is just not that into ANY of these guys. You know that sinking feeling you get when you realize the nice guy you are dating just isn't the right guy for you? That is the feeling she has right now--- times five.

I thought their conversation over dinner was extremely stupid. Kirk said he realized that he DID deserve love. Ali said she was worried she wasn't good enough for him. OMG people. I'm not saying that it's not understandable to have those feelings. But I AM saying that maybe you should discuss those feelings with your THERAPIST and NOT ON A DATE. Omg!!! What a turn off!!! You need to figure out that you "deserve" love and that you are "good enough" on your OWN TERMS and not on a date!!! If you haven't realized that you are worthy and deserve love, then you shouldn’t even be on a date. It should be a given when you're on a date that both people understand they are worthy and deserve love. The only thing in question should be whether or not y'all are going to find that with each other. How embarrassing!!

Bands singing to an audience of two continue to creep me out. And Ali looks like my Grandma in that outfit. I am sure she is reading my blog from heaven.
Nothing else to really say about Kirk, other than my friend who I was watching it with, Jackie, said he was gay. I'M not saying he's gay, but I AM saying that I see what she is saying. Now that's she's mentioned it, if he came out of the closet, it wouldn't be the biggest surprise of my life. In fact, I have called so many people on this show gay, that I think they need to do a special on all the past contestants who are actually gay. They could call it: A Rose Out Of the Closet.

In rolls Chris L. dressed to the twos. Not sure why he can't manage to clean himself up and put on something nice for once. Or at least something not frumpy and baggy.

Ali is SO not in love with Chris. She just called him a FRIEND and said their relationship is moving way too slow. Sorry Chris, but there's no bouncing back from that. Ali is NOT into Chris L. and never will be.

Now as for me, my feelings about him are still mysterious. I still think we have great chemistry (hahaha!!!). But then he keeps doing and saying things that make me cringe.

The whole scooter incident was not very attractive to me. I didn't like how he was like "I can't be known as the guy that killed The Bachelorette." I'd be annoyed if I was Ali. He should care about killing ALI, regardless of if she is The Bachelorette or not. I don’t think he meant anything bad by it... but my fears continue to grow that perhaps he's not that smart?

It also wasn't very cute how he didn't know how to drive the scooter and was apparently driving at like five miles per hour. I'm not a fan of driving anything: cars, planes, boats, scooters or go-carts. So I definitely prefer a man that can just take the damn wheel and get the vehicle where it needs to go. It would seem that Chris L. is not that man. Ali had to take the wheel.


Also, look how NOT into him she is. Driving with her arms around his SHOULDERS? HAHAH!!! Don't you normally put your arms around someone's WAIST when you are riding? I don’t know...

I do think a really fun date would be to go riding on the back of a motorcycle throughout all the hills and canyons in LA. I'm not saying that I want to go to the ICU, but I AM saying that I actually do find motorcycles to be really fun.

My fears that Chris L is a drunk frat bro worsened when they went to the winery and he made some crack about "are we going to drink that whole big one?" What? Joking about drinking a barrel of wine isn't very clever, in my opinion.

Haha, I love how he claims that he and his brothers are hilarious and sarcastic and mess around with each other all the time. Hmmm.... I will be the judge of that when we see them next week on your hometown date.
All right, the Mom thing is getting old. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that the producers are playing this storyline up?

It's also pretty clear that the producers made them all suck up to her and talk about how much they wanted her to meet their families. I don’t know... none of them seemed genuinely concerned about that aspect, so it's never been so crystal clear to me that the producers were clearly like "U better talk to her about why you want her to meet your fam, otherwise you might not get a rose, yo."

That bracelet gift was totally a producer-thing too. Not impressed.

I'm not sure if Chris is really in love with her or what, but he DEFINITELY needs a way nicer, sweeter, gentler woman than Ali. Whatever. Chris L makes me want to guard and protect HIS heart.

Rose Ceremony!!!

I'm loving the fact that it's a rainy, stormy, thunder-y night over there in Portugal.

Once again Chris L. shows up for the rose ceremony looking the opposite of sharp. I know some of you were highly disappointed by my lack of screen grabs last week (Mollie, Dad). So I am providing you with one shot from last week:
Chris looking like S at the rose ceremony. This week? Same deal.
But look how cute his smile is.
Anyway, bye Ty.
So one thing I've noticed on all the seasons of The Bachelorette is that the girl/Bachelorette is the one crying all the time, even though she is also the one sending all the guys home. And I'm always like "Oh, see how hard it is for women??!!"
Well, Ali is really proving me wrong this season. I don’t think we've seen her cry once, have we? This just goes to further prove my point that she is not into ANYONE. I'm starting to think that maybe she isn't the relationship type or something?? Is there such a type?
None of the guys have seemed that torn up either.

Moving on to The Bachelor: Every Rose Has a Thorn
Before I get started, I would just like to say that if I had the chance to sell my bitter break up story to Star magazine for fifty grand, I definitely would. All's fair in love and war. And if someone screwed you over, might as well make some $$$$ off it.
So I basically believe Vienna.

You can tell that Vienna was genuinely emotionally invested, while Jake just sat there like some sort of robot.

The only new thing I really learned about Vienna during this is that she really IS pretty annoying and does seem to have a severe interrupting problem. Maybe they just cut it that way to make it seem like she kept cutting him off... but personally I believe she probably DID keep cutting him off.

But I think Jake is way worse. The way he argued with her was very creepy. He would just make these scathing, cutting and cruel little one-liners to her. Like "who was that guy at the apartment." And "the guy you were fooling around with said it." Or "HAHAHAHA that's a BIG SHOCK you are going to stay in LA." He just creeped me out. I really believe her over him.

I think her character flaws are that she is very young and very stupid. That is forgivable though. You can't really help either of those flaws. She probably DOESN'T have much to bring to a relationship.

Meanwhile, Jake is ten years older than she is. He clearly has the advantage of more life experience. And I really think he used her. I do think he is the fame whore. And his cheating accusations seemed pretty bogus, honestly.

She DID keep interrupting him to an extreme, but still when he snapped "Stop interrupting me!" you could see how he treated her like a little child, just as she said. Now, maybe she deserved it somewhat, for ACTING stupid and young. But Jake knew all along that she was a stupid twenty-three year old - so the blame still goes to Jake. What exactly did he think he was going to have in common with a twenty-three year old party slash Daddy's girl?

Then you could see that he was thinking "Damnit I just let me true colors show through!" since he tries so hard to present this picture perfect image of himself to the world. Remember when he was going ON to Jillian about how frustrating it was that everyone thought he was SO perfect and couldn't believe that that was just genuinely who he was?? Well Jake we are seeing who you really are for sure now.
That is right when Vienna crumpled into tears and stormed off.

I feel like Jake basically messed with the wrong girl, sort of. Like, if he had picked Tenley, they probably would have just broken up in peace and quiet and we never would have seen all this. But Vienna is dumb enough (... or smart enough??) not to just internalize everything and take all the blame on herself. And she innocent slash dumb enough to think that going on TV and to the tabloids to talk about it will clear her name and let people know her side. But then again, she's kind of right, because I can't imagine anyone watching this would side with Jake?
So after Vienna stormed off and Jake continued to sit there like an emotionless snake, even Chris Harrison was like "Uhm, do you like even feel bad or anything?" Yeah, that really struck me as un-gentlemanly behavior too.... it did feel kind of weird and odd to me for a guy to be party to riling up his ex-fiance like that, then just sit there interested only in his own honor as she stormed off hysterically crying. I'm not really sure what else he could have done in that position? But it really did strike me as VERY un-gentlemanly behavior to treat a woman like that. Women get upset and cry over nothing... learn to deal, man. And this doesn’t really seem like nothing either. Jake is an idiot and has no clue how to treat women. I mean.... I'm just thinking of it this way - I can't picture Chris L. doing this to any woman. Most men would not rile up their ex-fiance to the point of hysteria, then just sit there like a statue when she melted down and ran off the set.

No matter how stupid or annoying Vienna is, I am still putting the blame on Jake, because he is older and clearly took advantage of her. This is my opinion.

So I love how Jake was then all "Chris Harrison, I have NEVER been in a relationship before where I have raised my voice." Yeah right. A - I don't believe you. And B - even if that WAS true, then why is your judgment so horrendous that you thought being in a relationship with Vienna was a good idea?

Then in the end, Jake even busted out a fake for-the-camera laugh, like an anchorman would do at the end of a broadcast. What the HELL, Jake? Did you SEE what just happened?? Did you NOTICE how a woman that you were allegedly in love with and engaged to just stormed off hysterically? And you have NO EMOTION?? You are Anchorman-laughing??

I guess Vienna had it coming for ever going on the show in the first place. But I still feel bad for her because I think she is just extremely stupid and really got herself hurt. But then again, being stupid can definitely work in your favor. So hopefully she will be able to bounce back well. I definitely like her more now that I have seen this.

I think Jake is a weird-o control freak. And I hope he can come to terms with the fact that he is gay, but that he can still love Jesus and go to heaven. Also Jake, if you are reading my blog -- take my advice. Accepting your homosexuality and coming out of the closet will be good for you on MANY levels. THAT would be a GREAT way to keep your fifteen minutes of fame going. I would DEFINITELY tune in to see that special and read all the magazines about it. Plus, then you would be a nicer person all around since you wouldn't be leading a secret life, you could find a nice hot boyfriend, apologize to Vienna and pursue your acting career.

I actually found the whole thing kind of depressing to watch. It was a cruel reminder to me that my entertainment on Monday nights comes at the expense of other people's emotions (not Jake's for damn sure, but clearly Vienna's). I prefer to focus on the roses, romantic dates and wine. I don't like to look behind the wizard's curtain.

Who am I kidding? Watching how people handle being manipulated is the exact reason I watch. Yikes. Poor Vienna... and Jake is creepy.

I am on Team Vienna. What team are you on?

Yours in the Single Life,
Julie Julie

PS - I don't think anyone "deserves" love. I kind of take issue with that word. No one really "DESERVES" anything actually. The only thing you DESERVE is something you earned... like -- I don't know, a PAYCHECK at the end of the work week. You don’t DESERVE love. You are just lucky and blessed if you happen to find it.

PPS - I've realized that I'm more interested in having a crush on the person I marry than actually being compatible with him. Chris L. taught me this lesson.